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She only lets out a choked sob before shaking her head. “It's... not... that.” I'm surprised she managed to get that much out before another sob tears its way out of her. I've never heard anything as heartbroken. It's enough to tighten my throat and send dread skittering up and down my spine. At first, we assumed somebody hurt her physically. At least, I know I did. I'm starting to think it's deeper than that. Something a lot more emotional.
Did she lose somebody in her family? Someone she cares about? That would explain how overwhelmed she is.
Or maybe it's something else. Because no matter how we try, all three of us together, she won't look at any of us for very long. Almost like she's guilty of something.
And now, the room feels very cold.
A glance at Soren tells me he's still brooding, ready to hurt somebody for hurting her. Ryder keeps rubbing her back and squeezing her shoulders—like that's helping anything. Heobviously feels as helpless as I do now, so I can't judge him too harshly. We are all in the dark.
Though I think there's light starting to glimmer at the end of the tunnel… but it doesn't bring me any relief.
Why would she be so adamant that Ryder not leave the room? I can only think of one reason, and it makes me sick to my stomach. She doesn't want him running into anybody out there in the hall. She might even be afraid to let anybody see Ryder leave or return to the room.
Which can only mean one thing…somebody knows.
And as hard as I try to avoid the obvious, it keeps hammering at the back of my head. The hammering gets harder and louder with every breath I take. The more I think about it, the more obvious it is. There's only one reason she would be this upset for this long, but not want to say anything about how she ended up like this.
With a sigh, I reach over and catch her tears on my fingers, wiping them away as gently as I can. She shudders and whimpers softly, and the sound is like a blade to my heart. “I think I know what it is.”
“Well goddamn it.” Soren throws his hands into the air before letting them fall to his sides. “If you know, clue us in, because I am lost. What the hell is really going on?”
“Look at me.” When she won't, I take her by the chin and tilt her head until our eyes meet. Oh, yes, I'm right. I feel it. I see it—she's devastated and lost and confused. I don't want to say it out loud, just like she doesn't, but there's no point in pretending. Not when we'll have so much to figure out.
“What is it?” Ryder is perplexed, worried.
I answer him, while speaking to her. “Someone knows about us, don't they?” I whisper, stroking her cheek with my thumb. “Someone who should not know.”
Like magic, her eyes well up again, and now her chin starts to tremble. A fresh sob makes her shudder before her head bobs up and down.
“Who?” I ask. The room has gone completely silent except for her sniffles. I can feel my friends holding their breath.
“Coach... Kozak...”
Oh, fuck.
I didn't think of him. I don't know why. I assumed it was one of the players. Maybe somebody saw something they shouldn't have. But the coach?
Ryder falls back against the arm of the sofa, his eyes wide. All the air leaves his lungs in one big gust, like somebody just hit him in the stomach and knocked the wind out of him. Soren perches on the edge of Harlow’s desk, clasping his hands over the top of his head like he's trying to make sure it doesn't come flying off. I know the feeling.
“You're sure?” I ask, and I know it's a stupid question but I feel like I have to put it out there. Just in case. It's not like it would be the first time she jumped to the worst possible conclusion out of nowhere.
Her head bobs up and down while she gulps for air. “Yes. He was in here after practice. Waiting for me in the dark. I don't know how he knows, but he does. He won't even talk to me. He hates me. I don't blame him. I hate me, too.”
I put an arm around her and draw her close, letting her shake and shudder against me while the whole world falls away. That's how life works sometimes. You can feel like you overcame the most insurmountable challenge you ever faced. You can be proud of yourself, you can feel sure that life is finally settling back into place. Like you're exactly where you need to be after wandering in the dark and wondering if your life is over.
You can get through all of that and come out smiling on the other side, but then the bottom can drop out from out of nowhere all over again.
How many times did she warn us that her career would end if anyone ever found out? And we were willing to turn a blind eye. We had to pretend she was overreacting if we had any hope of being with her. I guess it's easy to look past the risks when it's not your life that will be destroyed.
There was one thing we overlooked.
The way our lives would be destroyed, too. Because even if we keep our jobs, things will never be the same. For any of us.
5
RYDER
When did the world start spinning? Around the time I heard the coach's name. It took a second for me to understand what she was saying—she's still too close to hysteria to calm down and speak clearly. Maybe I didn't want to understand. Maybe there's part of me that wanted to protect itself from what I heard. And what it means.
