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“Because of you?”
I nod. “Girlfriends aren’t allowed on the tour bus. He won’t leave me.” He told me he didn’t want to leave his band, but then Doug told me what he overheard, and I put two and two together.
“So how do you plan on getting him on that tour?”
I look up at him, no longer able to hold back the tears.
He shakes his head. “No, Alissa. That will kill him.”
“I have to. I have to leave. I won’t hold him back. He deserves this. He’s been working his whole life for this.”
He runs his hands through his hair. “Have you thought this through? You’re willing to just pack up and leave? Where will you go?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve been working, I have some money saved up. I’ll be fine, but I need to ask you something.”
“Anything.”
“When I leave, I need to you be here for him. You need to make sure he gets up and dusts himself off. Make sure he goes on that tour because I won’t be here to do that. Can you do that for me?”
He takes a long breath and looks up at the dark, star-filled sky. “Alissa…”
“Please, Sean. Please. I’m not doing this to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t hold him back either. He has to do this, and he won’t any other way. Please, will you help me?”
“Fuck!” He slams his palm against the picnic table.
I reach out and place my hand on his. “Please. Just make sure he gets on that tour bus.”
“Alright, fine.”
“Thank you.” I stand and brush the tears from my eyes. “I should go pack.”
“Wait!” He gets up and walks around the table to stand in front of me. “You’re leaving now? You’re not even going to tell him goodbye?”
I shake my head and more tears fall. “I can’t. I can’t tell him goodbye. He won’t let me go.”
“That’s fucked up, Alissa. He loves you. He’d never leave you without an explanation. Fuck, he won’t leave you with an explanation.”
“I know. I’m sorry, just please do as I asked.” I turn and walk away. Tears stream down my face as I walk back to the house and start throwing my clothes into a bag.
I think about what Sean said, and he does deserve an explanation. I grab some paper and a pen and sit down at the kitchen table.
Dane,
By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. I’m sorry for leaving this way, but you have to understand. I’ve held people back and been in the way my whole life. I can’t do that to you, not to you. You’ve given me so much: your love, your life, your strength. I’ve never given you anything. So, this is what I’m giving you: your chance.
This is your chance to live your life for you, not me. Go on that tour, play your guitar, and sing your heart out. Do this for me, please. Take your chance, live your life, and forget about me. Please, don’t look for me. By the time you see this, I’ll be long gone anyway. I love you so much — don’t ever forget that.
Alissa.
I foldthe paper in half and set it between the salt and pepper shakers on the kitchen table. I dry my eyes and push my chair back. When I stand, I take a long look around the place. This was my first real home. The first place I ever felt wanted and loved. And now, it’s time to leave it like I’ve left so many others.
I can do this.
I walk back into the bedroom and grab my bag of clothes. One last time, I sit on our bed and smell his pillow, his scent still rich on the fabric. God, I’m going to miss him like I’d miss my heart if it was separated from my body.
Who am I kidding?When I walk out of here, I will be leaving my heart behind. All these years, I didn’t even think I had a heart. Now that I know I do have one, I’m going to have to learn how to live without it.
Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I move toward the door, and with my hand on the light switch, I look back at the room. Memories wash over me. The first time we stepped into this room, and he pinned me to that wall and kissed me like I was the air he breathes. Lying with him in this bed night after night, listening to him sing to me, hearing him tell me over and over again how important I am and how much he loves me.
