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Then, when the memories are at their strongest, when I can almost feel her like she’s sitting next to me again, I drink to go to sleep, so I can repeat the process all over again.
I find peace when I’m drifting off to sleep, when I can feel her lying next to me. This heat covers me like a blanket, I can smell her scent, and I can hear her deep, even breathing. As long as I don’t reach out and try to touch her, I can pretend she’s lying next to me, allowing me to find peace in my dreams. Dreams where she’s mine again.
* * *
As time passes,everything seems to get easier. The pain still hasn’t gone away though. I fear it’s something I’m just going to have to learn to live with. Instead of leaving me completely, it leaves a gaping hole inside of me. A deep, dark hole that isn’t ever satisfied with the girls I bring home. A hole so big and deep, it’s impossible to fill.
I go on dates, never with the intention of finding love. More like the intention of getting laid, masking the pain with someone else for a while. I’ve gone on more dates than I can count, but I still haven’t found a girl that can even compare to Alissa.
Every day I go a little longer without thinking about her. Some days, I go through the whole day without her crossing my mind, like loneliness is an old friend of mine. I find comfort in it, but when I lie down to go to sleep, there she is, still locked away deep in my subconscious.
I’m sure tonight will be no different. I lie back on the couch and focus all my attention on the movie I’m watching. I don’t want to think about work, the band, or Alissa. I just keep my eyes straight ahead. When I catch my mind wandering, I snap it back to the TV.
A knock on the door pulls me out of the movie, and I stand from the couch and twist the doorknob. It’s Mason.
I let the door swing wider, allowing him inside. He walks in, and I slump back down, my eyes on the TV. “What’s up?” I ask him.
He sits down by my feet. “Nothing. Haven’t really seen you in a while. Figured I’d stop by and see what’s up.”
I force myself up into a sitting position and turn on the lamp. The room fills with light, and I look over at my little brother for the first time in months. He’s really grown. “What have you been up to? You look like you’ve grown a foot since I last seen you.”
He shrugs before leaning back and propping his foot up on the table. “Not a lot. What about you?”
I scoff. “Same old shit,” I say as I stand to go grab a beer.
“Can I have one of those?” Mase asks me when I walk back into the living room with only one.
I look at the can in my hand and back at him. “You want a beer?”
He laughs. “You act like I’ve never drank before.”
My eyebrows raise. “Have you?”
He takes the beer from my hand and pops the top, taking a long drink. “Of course, I have. I’m seventeen now.”
I grab another from the fridge and sit down. “I know how old you are. I’m just surprised you’re drinking. You wouldn’t go near the stuff when I lived at home.”
“That was before I knew how much fun it was.” He tips the beer and takes another drink.
“So, how are things with you and that girl you were seeing?”
His eyebrows draw together. “What girl?”
“The one you lost your virginity to, despite how hard I tried to stop you.”
“We broke up. Fuck, I’ve been through three more since then.”
I turn and look at him. “Three? Damn, you’re starting to sound like me.”
He rolls his ice-blue eyes. “I didn’t sleep with all of them. One I took on a date, one I messed around with, and one I bang when I feel like it. It’s all casual. No more girlfriends. Not for a while anyway.”
“Why’s that? Did she break your heart?” I tease him.
He shakes his head before taking a drink. “No, other way around actually. I didn’t mean to fuck it up, but I did. Now, I feel guilty as shit. I’m never cheating on another girl in my life. It’s just not for me.”
“You cheated on her? With who?”
He finishes off his beer and sets the empty can on the table. “Doesn’t really matter, does it? She trusted me, and I fucked it all up. I mean, I didn’t love her, but I still didn’t want to hurt her.”
