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He didn’t look at her. He kept his gaze on the ceiling. Any look of disappointment from her would absolutely gut him.
She surprised him by saying, “I get it. You stay disconnected. So do I. I just don’t have to pay for it. It’s always no strings. And I leave after a few months, even if it’s going okay. I want to be me, but no one can handle me. I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who would get me, get what I do and why I do it. I just figured I’d always be alone.”
“I understand,” Caleb told her.
“I think you’re the only one who can.”
Caleb sat up and turned to look down at her. As uncomfortable as it was to lay himself bare this way, Izzy was a good woman and she deserved it.
“I don’t know if I can love you,” he told her, because she should hear the whole truth. “I don’t even know if I have that in me. Maybe it got beaten out of me as a kid, or maybe I never had it at all. I might be broken, but goddammit, Izzy. I want to try. I know what losing you would feel like and I don’t know how I’d deal with it but I would never, ever ask you to change. I’d never ask you to be something you’re not. I’m not worth it, Izzy. I may never hit you, but I could still hurt you. But I’m a bastard and I know it because I don’t want to let you go.” He took another deep breath and laid it all on the line. “Say you’ll stay. Say you’ll give me a chance—one chance.”
Chapter 34
Izzy could not easily raise herself up so she did the next best thing. She took ahold of Caleb’s hand and pulled him down to her. He hovered above her, bracing himself on the mattress. She cupped his face and brushed his lips with her own. She could simply have said, “Yes,” but that one word didn’t seem like nearly enough. A thousand words might not be enough. As they embraced, she felt for the buttons on the shirt she’d borrowed from him.
“Izzy, no,” he told her when he realized what she was doing. She ignored him and opened her shirt. He winced as he once again looked at the bruise. “You’re injured. I’ll hurt you,” he argued.
“No, you won’t.”
“Izzy—”
“Touch me, Caleb. I won’t break. I already told you that.” She put his hand on her breast and held it there. Caleb’s eyes were darkening but he still looked unsure.
“I need you,” she insisted.
He hesitated for a long moment then slowly lowered his head. He gently licked her nipple. If she could have arched her back, she would have. She’d been with men who were competent, but none as skilled as the man pleasuring her now. And she knew it wasn’t because he’d had a lot of practice. In fact, Izzy was dead certain that Caleb Barnes had never actually made love in his life. He was skilled because when they were together it was the only time he almost let himself go. Having sex distracted him enough to let his emotions surge close to the surface. He forgot about restraint; he forgot about control; he focused on nothing but their mutual pleasure.
Caleb could say he didn’t love her; he could say he didn’t think he was capable, but it was bullshit. He loved her, or was starting to fall in love with her. He just didn’t recognize it. Izzy herself had never been in love. She hadn’t quite known what it would feel like or what to expect if it ever happened. Caleb protected her; he cared for her. For all his fears and self-doubt, he’d shown time and time again that he was enormously concerned for her. And wasn’t that love? She thought so. And for all Izzy’s fears, he’d promised to accept her the way she was. He understood her, believed in her. That—without a doubt—was love as far as she could see. It had to be.
She directed his hands to her panties and he looked up at her again. She nodded, urging him on. He slipped her underwear down over her hips and removed his own. He held himself above her, not one inch of his frame touched hers, so determined he was not to hurt her. He sank inside her and she bit into her lower lip to keep from crying out.
“Izzy?”
“Yes,” she breathed, wrapping one leg around his hip. “God, yes.”
He seemed satisfied, ducked his head into her shoulder and thrust up inside her.
It hurt. Of course it hurt, but she wouldn’t let him know it. Life was pain. Izzy’s job was pain, but it had never kept her from going after what she wanted. She had far too much pride and determination and desire and grit to ever let pain dictate the circumstances of her life. Pain was not something she feared. But loneliness… On the coldest, darkest nights, Isabelle Boucher had feared she would always be alone. The thought had haunted her, to a greater extent than she’d let on to Caleb. Caleb was alone, too. He didn’t fear it, but he hated it as much as she did. He reached for her in the dark too many times for that not to be the case. But now they weren’t alone.
