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Cian snorted. “Fortunately for him, Nisang prides himself on his accuracy. He will live. As will you, apparently.” He poured three glasses and offered me one. “Word around camp is that you bested him in a fight. That’s an honor even I don’t have.”
I took the glass and stared down into the liquor, thinking about the sparks running between my fingers. It didn’t make sense. Humans didn’t have magic. We had legends about it, and tales written in the history books, but it had died out hundreds of years ago, if it had ever been in the human lands at all. How couldIhave magic? I was the orphan son of drunks and thieves, a lowly blacksmith. I was nobody.
“Nisang was right,” I blurted. “I shouldn’t be here.”
“No,” Cian said roughly, and tried to touch my face.
I pulled away. “And you shouldn’t be here either, Cian. Nor should Nisang or Odan or Hellion. No one should have to be out in this valley that reeks of death, fighting for the right to live. No one should have died on Midsummer, and I shouldn’t have been at the list field the day we met.”
“Nevahn…” Hellion’s chair creaked as they stood.
I shook my head. “The world shouldn’t be shit, and people shouldn’t be selfish assholes, but they are and it is, and all of that happened. Nothing we can do now will change any of it. People made choices. Good, bad... We can debate the morality of it until all that’s left is dust. It doesn’tmatter. The choices were made and now… Now we live with the consequences.”
He was silent, watching me as I drained the glass and set it on the shelf.
I took a deep, trembling breath and flexed my fingers. “When the ballistas go east, I should go with them.”
“No,” Cian and Hellion both said firmly, and Cian added, “I won’t risk my forgemaster.”
“You won’t riskme, Cian, and that’s a problem.”
Cian stood. “You’re barely on your feet right now as it is! It’s two days of marching over rough terrain, sleeping on the ground and then a battle! Against a dragon and Brenna, using tactics we’ve never tried and barely had time to practice against an enemy better equipped than we can ever hope to be.” He put his drink aside and took my face gently in his hands. “I don’t want you to die.”
I stared at him, mouth agape. “You think we’re going to lose.”
His jaw clenched, but his voice was a whisper. “I don’t want to loseyou.”
I pulled away. “If I don’t do this, you’re going to lose this war. Your inner circle is fracturing. Morlash doesn’t trust you to lead because he thinks I make you both weak. Nisang thinks you’re distracted, and they’re bothright!”
“Of course I’m distracted! Of course I’m weak! I don’t know how to do this, Nevahn. Any of this!” A long thread of silence stretched tense between us. For the first time, I realized he was shaking almost as much as I was. His voice was a hoarse whisper when he spoke again. “I’ve never led an army! I was just another soldier before. Fighting was another game when I was young. And you two…”
“What about us?” Hellion’s tone had a sharp edge.
“I’ve never felt this way!” Cian said, throwing up his hands. “You frustrate me, both of you, and yet every second we’re apart, it feels like I can’t breathe. But when we’re together, it’s like I can see clearly for the first time. I want this. More than anything, I want this to work, and I cannot—will not—risk sending you to your death, Nevahn!”
Hellion put a hand on Cian’s shoulder. “He’s stronger than you give him credit for, Cian.”
“Nisang was right about another thing,” I said. “If we’re going to do this, if you really want to make it work, Cian, then I have to be your equal. I want to be more than some human you fuck. They need to respect me, and if I don’t do this, they won’t. Let me do this. For you. For Ezulari.”
He closed his eyes, resting his forehead against mine. His breath tickled my lips as he sighed through his nose. We stood there, holding each other for a long time, before the subtle nod of his head told me he finally understood.
“Okay,” he said at length, though I could hear the strain in it. “You’re right. They need to… see you as I see you. Not like they saw you today.”
“I will go with him,” Hellion volunteered.
“No,” I said, turning to them. “If you’re there, they’ll defer to you. I have to do this alone. I love you both, but I can’t shine if I continue to stand in your shadow.”
Hellion jerked and their tail went rigid. “What did you just say?”
I flushed as I realized what had slipped out. While I hadn’t meant to say it, that didn’t make it any less true. With a smile, I went to put my arms around them. “Didn’t you hear me? I said I love you.”
They immediately gripped me by the hair and yanked my head back for a claiming kiss, but I winced and pulled away when my whole face throbbed.
“Come here,” Cian said, ushering me toward the bed. “If you’re going to sit in a saddle and sleep on the ground, I’m not letting you do it with bruises like that. Let me heal you. And you too, Hel. Let me have another look at that leg.”
I wasn’t going to say no to that.
The three of us settled on the bed with me in the middle, though I was practically draped over Cian’s lap just moments later. He stroked his fingers over the lingering bruises on my face. If it hadn’t hurt so badly, I might’ve enjoyed the attention. Instead, every pass felt like fire, and it only got worse the deeper the magic reached. By the end, I was nearly in tears.
