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When I reached the waistband of their pants, I paused and offered them the rag. “Do you want to do this part yourself?”
“Oh, no. You’re doing a fine job.”
My face heated. “I’m not doing this because I want to fuck you. I’m trying to take care of you.”
“I know, Nevahn.” They pulled my lips to theirs for a quick kiss. “I like it when you take care of me. I can do it if you don’t want to.” They reached for the rag.
I pulled it away. “No, I want to do it.”
“All right then.”
The hint of a mischievous smile was still on their lips as they lifted their hips so I could help them remove their pants.
There were bruises on their thighs, a few cuts and scrapes, but nothing too bad, which was a relief. My hand froze when I found a small blister on the inside of their knee.
Nisang’s wings. The sound of them tearing, the sudden drop, the panicked terror spinning in my gut.
I squeezed my eyes closed, heart racing.
“Nevahn?” Hellion’s hand closed over my shoulder. “Talk to me.”
I shook my head, suddenly fighting tears. “I don’t know how you do this. The battles. The killing. Every time I close my eyes, I’m back there. I can smell people burning, the blood. I can’t…” Something in my chest twisted, and it was like someone had shut off the air.
Cool fingertips ruffled through my hair. “Let it go, Nevahn. Don’t hold on to it. Just breathe and let it out.”
There were tears racing down my cheeks. I felt stupid for crying, especially in front of a decorated warrior like Hellion, but I couldn’t help it. “Nisang was right all along. I’m not fit for war. I was terrified the whole time, and I fucked it up and now he’s dead.”
“Oh, Nevahn…”
“It’s my fault. I never should have been out there, Hel. He’s dead, and it’s my fault.”
Hellion’s hand closed around the back of my neck and they brought me against their chest. The last of the walls I’d put up came tumbling down, and I collapsed against them, sobbing like a child. They kissed my head and massaged my shoulders, and I felt even worse.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled into their skin when the tears finally slowed. My breaths were still stuttering gasps and my head was pounding. “I was supposed to be the one taking care of you, and now I’ve messed that up, too.”
“Listen to me.” Their tail pushed my chin up, so I had no choice but to look at their face. “Never apologize for needing to process your grief, Nevahn. Pain is pain, whether it is a broken bone or a broken heart. You are hurting. I am not so broken that I cannot be here to lift you up when you need it. Metaphorically, of course. I can’t lift much of anything until I’ve seen a proper healer.”
That made me smile. I put my arms around them and buried my face in their chest again. “I was so afraid I wasn’t going to make it back to you and Cian.”
“Fear doesn’t make you weak. It makes you alive.”
I closed my eyes. “Gods, how am I going to tell Cian?” Nisang and Cian were best friends, practically brothers.
“The words will come,” Hellion promised. “We are no strangers to loss. He will survive this. We all will. Together.”
I nodded and squeezed them.
They stiffened and hissed. I released them with a mumbled apology.
“It’s fine. I’ve had worse.” They flashed a tired smile. “Now, go and change the water. I’ll help you with him. He’s much too unwieldy for you to do it alone.”
I hauled the old bucket outside, dumped it, and filled it anew. A few of the gargoyles glanced my way, but they were polite as they passed, bowing and smiling.
Back in the red yurt, I shifted the pillows around Cian so I could wash him while Hellion untangled his hair with a wooden comb. There was something pleasant about watching them work, seeing the way they were so sweet and reverent with him. It was a totally different side to what I was used to seeing. The way they were together was just as pleasing as being alone with one of them, or together with both.
When I finished washing him, I helped Hellion dress in a long tunic, and we dressed Cian in some loose clothes with slits in the back meant to accommodate gargoyle wings. Hellion helped where they could, but I could tell their shoulder was really bothering them, and they were tired. I tucked them both in among the pillows and blankets before carefully settling in between them.
Cian slept while I recounted everything that had happened for Hellion. I choked when I spoke of Nisang, about how he had carried me over the fire even though it cost him his wings, and his life. I cried again, and Hellion held me while I did, kissing the tears from my face.
