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“I don’t understand half of what goes on in your life, but Conny…”
I didn’t know what to say, how to explain the millions of thoughts rushing through my head. He was still standing there, hugging his bare chest, while I was here in my suit and tie and still holding a damn spoon.
I put it down, got my two hands on his arms and gave him a little shake.
“I never thought I’d enjoy having someone in my space, but having you here? You’re good for me too. I’m always stuck in my own rut, doing my own thing. I don’t know where this is going or what we’re doing. I don’t even know much about you—I’ve no idea what your favourite colour is or how you got into acting or how you identify—I don’t even know how you take your tea. I’ve never offered you one because we’re never awake at the same time in the morning.”
“I drink coffee.” His voice was barely there, but he smiled, and…God.
There was no point denying it.
I was totally smitten with him. His sweet face. Those lips…
“Coffee. OK.”
“I don’t have a favourite colour, but I can tell you about how I got into acting later if you like. I must warn you, it’s not that interesting.”
“Well, I’m interested,” I said far too enthusiastically.
“And the other question…” He was squirming internally. I could feel his discomfort.
“I shouldn’t have mentioned it. I’m so sorry. It’s none of my business what you identify as.” I was speaking too fast. Too loud.
“I don’t know what I am.” He said it so quietly I could barely hear him. “I always thought I knew, but I don’t anymore. Everything is so fucked up at the moment, and most of the time I just want everything to stop. I want this goddamn career to stall, just for a few weeks so I can get my head screwed on straight. There’s going to be pictures online today, stories in the press, because there’s some official line our management expects us to toe, Tara and me. It’s good for our brands and fuck knows what else, but Matt, can you promise me something?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. My little fantasy bubble was the only thing keeping me sane, but he was staring at me, biting his lips as he figured out what to say.
“What?” I asked.
“Everything you see is fake. Remember that. The only thing that’s real is me, right here and now. I can’t control shit out there, but when I walk through this door…”
Now he was getting emotional, and I was too. I grabbed his face and held it tight, made him look me in the eyes as I slowly spoke.
“It’s OK. Whatever is going on, I’m right here. You have me, OK? Because Conny, I really mean this. I like you. Therealyou. I have no idea who you are beyond these four walls, and I kind of like it that way. OK? So don’t worry.”
All that meant nothing. I knew that. I didn’t know what else to say to the tired, sad man shivering in front of me, so I just rose up on my toes, nudged his nose with mine.
And then I pressed my lips against his and kissed him.
Con
Ithinkmyheartstopped for a moment. I know I held my breath.
Then he did it again.
It wasn’t a dirty kiss or a friendly one. It was just…so very, very him.
He pulled back slowly, and I stood there like a fool, my nails digging into the skin under my arms.
“Oh God,” came out of my mouth.
Matt smile melted away, leaving him suddenly looking distraught.
“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” he muttered and took a step back. Finally regaining my senses and the use of my arms, I stepped with him, crowding him against the kitchen sink.
“No…yes…it’s just…” I smiled. Wiped a stupid tear out of my eye. What the fuck was wrong with me? “That was…my first kiss.”
“Bullshit,” he accused softly. “I’ve seen your work, remember?”
