Page 42 of White Noise


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“Of course!” I was staring at his naked chest harder than I should.

“I need a shower,” he said, folding his arms and obscuring my view. “Shall I place this order then?”

“I have the app. You go shower.” At least I was useful for something.

He disappeared into the bathroom, leaving me alone in his apartment, ordering our food like this was normal when it was anything but. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to follow him, drag him under the water and soap down all his dirty places.

I’d filmed a scene like that once. It was supposed to look like you were pulling off the hand job of the century when instead you were giving your co-actor carpet burn on their thighs and trying not to get the camera soaked with the camera guy’s face up your bum. It was messy and painful, but the thought of it wasn’t helping the problem in my underpants, and I whined in frustration as I flopped onto the sofa and opened the app on my phone.

“Do you want rice?” I shouted towards the bathroom door.

“With noodles?” He casually walking back out into the room, towel around his waist, wet hair still dripping onto his shoulders. That was quick.

I stared at him. His gorgeous body. I’d seen it so many times now—even his arse and balls when he changed out of his clothes—because he was as comfortable around me as I was around him, but this evening, it made my stupid little heart go all funny.

I’d never fit with anyone before. Ever. Not at school, in friendship groups or on set. I didn’t regret the way my life had gone. I couldn’t. I knew how bloody privileged I was; the state of my bank account gave me palpitations just looking at it. I was lucky. Goddamn lucky.

But I was also fucked in the head, clearly, because for a moment I forgot why I had my phone in my hand, and I was panting like I’d just stepped off the treadmill. I snapped myself out of it.

“What do you want to drink?”

“Diet Coke.”

“It’s not good for you,” I said and blushed. Fuck me, that was rude, but he laughed.

See? We fit.

“I bet Wei will deliver,” I continued nervously. “He usually does,” I had no idea how he made me feel this way.

“I can’t believe you remember his name.”

“Of course I remember his name. I’m not a complete arsehole. We should always treat people around us with respect, which includes using names. My mum taught me well.”

Matt nodded. “Yeah. Wei’s a nice guy. We’ve kind of become friends since I moved in here. He gives me long lists of books to read, and they’re good books.”

“I gave him a list of books too, but he said he doesn’t read sci-fi. I told him he should get started on that. I’d rather read a book than watch a film. My head’s weird that way.”

He shrugged. “Maybe it comes with the job. Everything’s scripted for you at work, but reading lets you visualise things your own way.”

“I guess.” I’d never thought of it that way.

“So, food then…” he prompted.

“Yeah.” I pressed submit on our order and double-clicked the side button to pay. Easy. And now he was sitting next to me on the sofa.

“You know you said you’re scared?” His voice was soft. I loved when he talked to me like this. When he put words to all those things I couldn’t even start to understand.

“I’m scared too,” he continued. “Remember that. I’m terrified that I’ll wake up alone one morning and all your stuff will be gone. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but…I’ve…honestly…I love having you around.”

“We fit.” Yeah, I could memorise pages’ worth of script in an instant, but my skills in speaking from the heart?

“God, we do. You have no idea how nice it is to feel…accepted. Even liked.”

“Matt, you have thousands of followers on Instagram. You’re, like, really popular.”

He smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile.

“I know a lot of people. Most of those are people I’ve worked with, union officials, or members of the associations I’m part of. I try to keep former students out of there, but a few have slipped through. There’s only a handful of real friends, people I talk to. Colleagues. Not that it matters. Social media isn’t real.”

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