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“This show changed my life.Youchanged my life. It let me explore so much of myself, and for that, I am grateful. But if we have to go, then let’s go. Let’s bloody go out on that float and make today awesome. And then, if you’re up for it…”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s mull on this. Do something together. If we can do a podcast or even just a good interview with some big press, talk about the things we were never allowed to talk about. Discuss being who we are. That there are never labels that fit all of us. I’m not straight. I always thought I was but fuck you. You’ve made me bloody brave with that post of yours. I saw that, and I wanted to find you and slap you right in that pretty face of yours. Because you’re braver than me, and I hated you for…yeah, a minute or two.”
“I’m not brave,” I admitted. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”
“But youarehere.” She took another drag of her vape. “That’s all you need to be. You know that, right? You’re here because you’re a great guy. You’re here for that man of yours. Because you feel and you breathe, and you’re human. Whenever you wobble, just remember that. You’re also here to hold my hand. I need that today. Can you do that?”
I leant over and gently kissed her. Because I needed it too—that connection we’d always had. She was part of me and would always be, and I was part of her, and in that moment, my heart ached. There were things in my life that needed to remain stable, whatever happened, and Caroline was that for me. A friend. That person who would hold my hand, just as I would hold hers.
She leaned in and lowered her voice. “There’s a rumour in the fandom that you and I have fallen out and aren’t speaking. Fuelled by Production, of course. Drama always makes for great numbers.”
“Seriously?” I laughed. “So now I need to hold your hand all day and cast longing glances across the float?”
“Too right! We also need to remember to completely diss each other and make our rift obvious. Make sure there are lots of pictures of us looking pissed off. Yes, reach out to touch me, and I’ll shrug you off. With a death glare.”
Like that was going to happen for real after everything we’d been through together. She threw her arms around me, and I reciprocated, feeling my heart return to where it should be. Steady and slow.
“I love you, Connor. Remember that. Whatever happens next, we’ll be fine. OK?”
“You will be fine. You’re amazing. I’m so bloody happy you’re here with me today. Let’s go out with a bang. A big one.”
“Will that man of yours hate me if I snog you on the float? Just to get the fans all riled up?”
“Love it.” I grinned. “I’ll pre-warn him. You do know I’m the best snogger, right?”
“Of course! I taught you everything you know!”
I laughed, filled with bubbles now instead of fear.
I stood on that float and the adrenaline was insane. The people all around me were just like me. Where I’d wobbled and felt like a fraud, I was now dancing around and singing at the top of my voice—even Silent Dave couldn’t stop smiling, walking along next to the float while I was being thrown about. We were all, strangely, family, and it made me want to cry knowing this was the end. However much anger was brewing on the inside—I would probably be fuming by tomorrow, and there would be times when I looked back on this day with bitter tears—I was grateful. Hopeful.
I fished out my phone, snapped a selfie with Caroline hanging over my shoulder and sent it to Matt with a heart emoji.Whatever you see online today, remember that it’s not real.
He replied straight away with a photo of him surrounded by smiling people whom I assumed were his friends. Colleagues. People who loved him. It wasn’t jealousy, it was happiness in my chest, knowing that he was loved too. That he had good people around him. I hope he knew how much I loved him.
I was grateful. I was loved. I didn’t doubt it for a second. Those kinds of thoughts should have made me wobble. Matt and me. We’d only been a thing for weeks, but I knew. I knew I’d never felt like this before. There had never been anyone who had made me feel the way he did.
Safe. Home. Love.
I smiled into the sunshine, listening to the crowds around me cheer, then we passed a group of people withWhite Noiseflags, screaming at us as Caroline wrapped her arms around me.
I laughed, and she grinned at me, and we kissed. Just the way it should be. We could make our own ending. Whatever happened in that show, we could make today matter. So we did.
That kiss wouldn’t change the world, but I smiled and waved, and Caroline jumped up and down, and then I did something stupid. Well, not stupid. I grabbed a marker pen from a fan on the ground, signed their arm with a smile and then…
Then I held out my arm and wrote I LOVE MATT in big, thick letters, and I waved to the world.
The sun was shining, and the music was playing, and I knew, whatever happened next?
Things would be fine.
Matt
“Youshouldaskhimto come. Come on, Matty! Don’t split on us now!”
My colleague Otis was all flushed, the two beers he’d downed already making him slur. Not that I blamed him. We were all hot and bothered, and the cool air inside the Korean restaurant where we’d found ourselves was heaven on my skin. I was soaked in sweat and probably stank a bit. We all did, and the poor server was trying to get all ten of us seated around a small table. The couple next to us got up and left. I didn’t blame them. We were a rowdy bunch, and the table was only meant for about four.
