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Gosh. I laughed. And he did too.
“It’s funny,” I said. “We all think we need to do what everyone else does. Like when you’re at school, you have to get kissed and have sex, and if you don’t, you’re weird. So we all do it because it’s what we’re supposed to do, even if we don’t really want to.”
“Nobody needs to do anything, but when you’re young, you don’t know how to say no. How to be yourself. Instead, you try to be like everyone else and in the end, you just fuck…things up.”
“Yup.”
“Then we grow up, and we still fuck everything up. Don’t we?”
“Yeah.” I loved that we were laughing about this. “I could never laugh like this with Lewis.”
“I hate that you had to go through all that. I hate him. Never met the bloke, but I hate him. He didn’t deserve you. You’re really—”
I put my finger over his mouth. Shushed him. “Don’t give me too many compliments. It will go to my head. I’m still high on the fact that you fancy me.” I blushed. I hadn’t meant to say that.
“Hu, I’ve fancied you since the first day you stood at that desk. I walked past, and you smiled at me, and I almost had a heart attack. You’re…cute. All full of sunshine and smiles and all that curly hair, and you just stood there and smiled and…yeah. Juvenile Crush 101. Couldn’t help myself.”
“I thought you were really scary. You always stared at me.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Looking back, it’s kind of funny. I didn’t know why you were staring at me. I thought you hated my guts.”
“I’ve never hated your guts.”
“Good to know,” I said. “So…who were the other people you slept with then?” Oh, Hugo. Shut your fucking mouth.
“Girl from sales. Staff party. Snuck into a room. No idea what I was doing, but it might’ve been something to do with Mark shagging someone else in the back office and I was losing my marbles. It was okay. I finished that time. Wasn’t too drunk and the adrenaline helped. I think.”
“Thank you for once again oversharing.” I was smiling. And he smiled too. I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder. I was tired. But at the same time, I wanted this so badly, just to sit here and talk. It had been years since I’d really talked with anyone who wasn’t there to dissect my brain or wasn’t my parents trying to persuade me to stay in my godforsakenhometown and take a job at the local budget hotel so they could keep an eye on me. Wasn’t happening. Ever.
“Third one?” he said. “My one and only online date. She hosted. Invited me in for a glass of wine and gave me a blow job.”
“Yeah?”
“I spent the whole time wishing I was somewhere else. Anywhere but there.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. So I don’t blame you for turning me down. I’m not exactly experienced in these kinds of things.”
He looked crushed again. I hated seeing him like that.
“So you’ve never had sex with a man?”
“No.”
“Never even kissed a man?”
“Well, not one I remember.”
“But you would? I mean, you’re…”
“I have no idea,” he whispered. “I think it’s not as black and white as people assume. Sometimes I look at people and think, ugh, no, don’t want that. Other times? It’s overwhelming.”
“I get that.”
“You?” he asked.
