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I’d also forgotten to text my sister, and now I had no strength to even do that.
I couldn’t face the canteen. The smell of eggs and bacon made me feel faint, so I was early on the desk and tried to look like I knew what I was doing. Work was good for me. Routine. Calm. Keep busy. Keep breathing. Just keep…
I wanted to scream.
I didn’t scream.
I calmly helped Mrs Arndale out to her car and wished her luck with today’s surgery. She would be back in a few days, her breast having gained another cup size and her face probably botched beyond recognition. I quiteliked Mrs Arndale, but today I just wanted to see the back of her. I secured tickets to exhibitions and booked a minibus for a private tour of the city, and my phone never stopped ringing. I wrote notes and squished them up.
It was almost ten o’clock when I finally stopped and stood there, surrounded by small white crinkly paper balls, my face flushed and my heart racing.
“A word.”
Finn slid in next to me, leaning his elbows on the counter.Mycounter.
“Here?” I asked quietly.
“Here.” He smiled at the group of guests passing. I smiled too.
“Ben is in Mark’s office, and there is shouting going on. On top of that, we seem to have an issue with balls of paper all over the floor instead of being put in bins. Again. Do you wish to enlighten me on anything that might explain all of this?”
“Not really.” My voice was barely there.
“Fine,” he said, straightening up. He rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck. I hated when he did that.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
“Not sorry. You should be proud of yourself. I quite enjoy when Mark has a go at Ben. Their arguments are very entertaining. I don’t know if I should go and intervene or leave them to it. I’d send Ben home, but we have full tables for lunch and dinner and the timing sucks. I can send you home, though.”
“Why?” I didn’t want to go home. Couldn’t. I needed to be here. I needed to keep going.
“Because you’re a mess. You have two choices. One? You go home, take the day off, sort yourself out. Two? You and I go have a cup of tea and I want to see you eat a whole fucking plate of breakfast. Your hands are shaking, and I know you haven’t had your snack.”
“You’re worse than my dad.”
“I’ve talked to your dad. He’s a nice guy.”
“Where are we having thiswhole effing plate of breakfast?” I didn’t want to go anywhere. Strange places and people were the last thing I wanted this morning.
“We’re going to go rescue Ben and force him to cook us smashed avo on toast. Runny egg. I’m starving, and my breakfast is still sitting up in the canteen since the fire alarm went off in the Queen Catherine room and the Women’s Institute ladies were dreadfully shaken by the noise.” He said that last part in a posh, high-pitched voice, which made me laugh. “Oh, and I have another ultimatum.”
“Really?” I was shaking. He was right.
“Yes. You go with Mabel to group. Tomorrow night. Eight o’clock.”
“To group?” Absolutely not. I’d had enough of today already, avocado on toast or not. Well, I kind of fancied toast. Runny egg. Whatever Finn was on about. And a cup of tea.
“Enough of you thinking you can do this on your own. You should know by now that nobody in this place is sane. I’ve never worked in a place with more nutcases than here, and to be honest, it’s a good thing. There’s no better way of realising how good your life is and how sane you actually are than looking around this place and realising you’re surrounded by people who should be strapped into padded cells.”
I had to agree with that one, looking over at the door where Reuben had just dropped an entire tray of car keys on the floor and was shouting obscenities at the poor security guard, who looked like he was about to burst into tears.
“I’m…okay. Most of the time I’m okay.”
Finn leant back down again, a bit closer to me this time, and spoke quietly.
“Most days, I’m okay too. Some days, I’m not. I only started to go see someone this year, and I wish I’d gone sooner. I need to learn to control my temper, to not let people rile me up until I explode. I need to learn to let go, not let Mark wind me up until I want to cry. I’m better than that. And I can do it. I just need to remember how and why. It’s not worth struggling when you can let yourself be happy. I’m still learning how to do that. It’s not always as simple as plastering a smile on your face and getting on with it.”
“I know,” I said. I was starting to appreciate Finn. More and more.
