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“God no. Promise. That will be a quiet affair. No bloody stag nights or surprises or strippers.”
“No strippers.” He breathed out. “No. Just no. Plus I absolutely veto any long-winded sit-down meals. Ugh.”
“You never answered my question.” I had to bring it up again. Of all the things we had to talk about, this was the one that could break us before we even got started. I’d picked up on him trying to tell me a few times but bottling out, and I needed him to know that he could talk to me about it. I knew so little about his past. Far too little. And anyway, enough with the wedding jokes.
“About what?” he asked innocently, but his face told me he knew exactly what I meant.
“Tell me about Lewis. Please?” My hand was back in his, his fingers grasping at mine.
“It’s…stupid,” he whispered.
“Nothing about you is stupid.”
“I’ve made…so many mistakes.”
He went quiet, so I just let him breathe, answer in his own time.
“They weren’t even my mistakes to make,” he began. “I was never rebellious. Never stepped out of line. Then I met Lewis, and I…I wanted to be like everyone else. I started going out and disappearing for days, and my parents were going out of their minds. Suddenly there was this guy who was taking me out, making me do things I’d never done before like smoking weed and drinking too much. I was horrified at myself but also excited by the whole thing, and it became…something I couldn’t control. He wouldn’t let me say no, and he made me…he made me a different person. And the truth is, I liked it. I liked being different, but at the same time, I wanted it to stop. When it became too much for me, he dumped me, and it was such a bloody relief, I tell you that. I was what, sixteen, maybe seventeen. I ate less than five hundred calories a day, was obsessedwith counting my steps and had lost my virginity to a boyfriend who called me a wimp. I was a mess.”
I wanted to say something, but I didn’t dare. I squeezed his hand to remind him I was still here with him.
“Lewis could be nice, but he was so controlling, and I didn’t see it at first. Everything had to be his way. I had to act a certain way, look a certain way. I lost all control of myself, and I suppose I found a way to cope. I already had all those issues with eating, and Lewis made me spiral. He came back for me, and we were fighting constantly, and then I got sectioned and put in hospital. Wasn’t the first time. Or the last.”
“You’re okay.”
He nodded. He was actually holding it together.
“Fast forward a few years, and I was trapped living with him in an apartment we couldn’t afford. Lewis was gambling, doing drugs, fucking up his job and meeting up with people who were heavily into anything to do with more dicks than one.”
“Ah.” He didn’t have to spell it out.
“Also…” Hugo was on a roll, and he wasn’t even upset or distressed. He was angry, spitting the words out like venom. “Lewis only liked sex when he was hurting me. It started with him just being a little bit too rough, saying some mean things. He made out he was joking around, but it scared the living daylights out of me. The next time, he was more heavy-handed, aggressive. I wrote it off as him being hungover. The next time, coming down from another party high.” Another deep sigh.
“I was wrong. Lewis got off on being violent. Anything could set him off, and by that time, I was so used to it, so conditioned to being frightenedall the time, I couldn’t get any control back. Whatever I did to try to make it through the day, he would still come back and hurt me. The weaker I got, the more control I lost, and I was trying so hard to figure out how to make it all stop. I tried to leave, more than once, but it’s not as easy as just walking out the door. I’d alienated my family, had no friends, and I was so frightened. So, so frightened. The grip he had on me was insane. I can see that now. I was insane for letting it go on for as long as it did, and he’s…”
“Nowhere in your life. He’s gone.”
He gave the smallest nod.
“I’m right here.”
“I know. But that’s what scares me because it’s still not over. I mean, I reported him to the police for assault and…”
“And?”
“Rape,” he whispered.
It was a shock to hear it, even though I’d kind of known. It had been obvious at the time. I’d chosen not to dwell on it, pushed it to the back of my mind. But I’d known, and it hurt. Everywhere.
“Do you want a hug?” I’m sure there were better things I could have said. More supportive words that could have helped him, but to be honest, I needed that hug. I needed to hold him against me because I couldn’t imagine having gone through all the absolute shite he’d gone through. I truly couldn’t even start to imagine it.
I was already standing, dragging him up and folding him into my embrace. I burrowed my face into his neck.
“I’m not him,” I whispered. What else could I say?
“You’re nothing like him.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
