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Was that enough to make me happy?
Another question I wasn’t ready to ask myself. Stupid or not, I just wanted to stay here for a little while, languishing in this fantasy world where two men could share a woman without jealousy or in-fighting. I wanted to pretend that this was all perfectly normal as long as they would let me.
I realized I was staring when I noticed that Hope was staring back at me. I blinked, and a tiny smile tugged at her lips. I tried to look away but I couldn’t. I was completely enamored. I’d never been one for commitment or relationships.
I’d had a few girlfriends when I was in the majors, women who loved me and supported me and held my hand in public, but when they realized that I had no interest in getting married, they were gone. I’d eventually figured out to front-load that information, preferably before we even made it to the first date—and my number of first dates had drastically reduced since then. Women usually wanted that commitment, the vows I couldn’t bring myself to say.
With no expensive wedding, there could be no expensive divorce. If I never promised them my heart, they could never rip it to shreds. At least that’s what I told myself. But maybe I’d just been a shallow, selfish pig my whole life.
Now I’d finally caught feelings, and it was for a woman who was already committed to someone else. Still, when I held her, when I was buried deep inside of her…it felt like coming home, for the first time in a long, long time.
“Another?” Jamie asked with a knowing grin as he held up the pitcher of beer we’d already drained.
“Uh,” I said, my eyes darting to the clock behind the bar. “I actually have some stuff to take care of.” It wasn’t a lie. I promised to check in with the head coach, Tom Rata, this afternoon for a strategy session. Which, if experience told me anything, would consist of him sitting there behind his desk, watching me with the heavy breaths of a man whose arteries are so clogged with fat that it’s a miracle he hasn’t already dropped dead, waiting for me to pull some magical solution out of my ass that would take us from a solid mid-league development team to a championship winner.
I dropped a fifty on the table, walked around and kissed the top of her head, and then I gave Jamie a wink.
My nonchalant facade was going to crack any second and I was going to confess everything to these two wonderful people who tripped and fell by accident into my life. That I wanted more, that I was pretty damn sure I was in love, that that was a first for me…
“Wait!” I heard Hope say behind me as I turned to walk to the door. I froze and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. Her little hand gripped my elbow and I looked down at her with an easy smile. She gazed up at me, her perfect pink lips looking so fucking kissable I could die. “Will you come over later?” She said under her breath, glancing around to make sure we wouldn’t be overheard. My smile faltered. Her eyes found mine again, and they searched for an answer.
I wanted to sayHell no. Fuck no.Escape with my life while I still had the chance. But those grey eyes, the obvious need etched all over her face…I wasn’t strong enough to fight it.
“Of course I will,” I murmured. Under different circumstances, I would have kissed her forehead, pulled her close, and stroked her hair to soothe her worry. But that wasn’t my role. I was the bull in their little hotwife fantasy, and that was all. If I confessed my very real feelings, the ones I could hardly admit to myself, I would just be setting myself up for some serious heartbreak. I could imagine the way her face would change, how her brows would raise in apology as she backed away from me.
I shook my head, clearing the painful image. Then I slid my arm gently out of her grasp, straightened my jacket, and walked out of Copper’s without looking back.
I knew if I locked eyes with her again, I wouldn’t be able to leave her side. Maybe ever.
24.
Hope
Rowan came over just before sunset in his workout clothes.
“I thought we could go for a jog,” he said as he stepped into the foyer of my house. Jamie groaned.
“I already did five miles on the treadmill today, dude,” he said, sounding pained. “I’m done.”
Rowan turned to me with sparkling eyes. I bit my lip and then I ran to change. We’d been talking about my past life as a varsity track and field star a few days ago, and when I told him I still loved to run but never made time for it, I could sense him putting on his coaching hat.
But I didn’t mind. It would give us a little time alone together. Then again, with the way my head started spinning whenever he got too close, I wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea for us to be alone together. When Jamie and I started on this journey, it was all just supposed to be physical. We never discussed what might happen if I started to catch feelings for one of our fuck buddies. In retrospect, it was stupid that we didn’t anticipate this. But I just assumed that, given how in love I was with Jamie, I wouldn’t have to worry about developing feelings for anyone else. I never could have imagined that someone like Rowan would come along and give me honest-to-god butterflies.
It was getting dark outside, and cold, but the nip of the constant wind didn’t bother me with my down jacket and toboggan on. My neighborhood was hilly. I turned to the right and Rowan kept step with me. Though his legs were significantly longer than mine, we maintained the same steady pace. We’d settled into a comfortable silence. This was familiar ground for us, our two bodies working hard in tandem, sweating, muscles burning, endorphins rushing. There were a million things I wanted to say to him but I couldn’t formulate a single word worth shouting over the wind. So we just ran like that, underneath the streetlamp, side by side.
If Jamie was my soulmate, how could I feel so at home with someone else? I didn’t feel like I loved him any less, but I worried that I might fall out of love with him without noticing. Wasn’t that how it happened? Slowly and then all at once. I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking my own heart, of breaking what we had. I knew the logical thing was to end this complication with Rowan. Go back to the way things were, where it was safe, in my sweet little monogamous, storybook romance. I was crazy to ever think that we could make something like this work without feelings, without drama.
Tears were starting to leak out of the corners of my eyes and freeze to my cheeks as we tackled hill after hill, our breath rising above us in twin clouds.
At the top of one of the highest hills in the development, there was a tiny little park crowded with pine trees. Benches faced in each direction, looking out over the glittering sprawl of the town below. Behind us rose the dark, intimidating bulk of Casper Mountain.
“Come on,” Rowan said, tugging at my sleeve and pointing to the bench with the best windbreak. “Let’s rest for a minute before we head back.” We’d chewed up a silent hour just putting one foot in front of the other.
I sat down on the bench beside him, feeling suddenly self-conscious.
“It’s beautiful here,” he said, gazing out over the valley below us.
“It is,” I agreed. “It’s strange to grow up here and then go other places and realize that not everywhere is this beautiful. Like Nebraska.” He laughed.
