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I was in a flimsy pair of pajama shorts and a cropped tank. Working together, they stripped me naked in seconds as the pale, early-morning sunlight slanted into the kitchen, Jamie picked me up and carried me to the dining table, laying me out on the polished mahogany.
They were wearing the wrinkled, day-old clothes they’d tugged back on before they came out of the bedroom, but I was fully exposed. I lay there, barely breathing, while they stood over me with their burly arms crossed. I’d spent my life being ashamed of every tiny imperfection I found in myself, but I didn’t feel the slightest urge to hide as they stared down at me. They both looked like they’d found a lost treasure, a pot of gold. The sunlight fell against their backs and gave them glowing halos.
While they watched, I started to touch myself. First I rolled my nipples between my fingers and squeezed the soft, gratuitous flesh of my breasts. Rowan let out a quiet groan and Jamie bit his lip as my hands travelled farther down. I ran my fingers through the curls between my legs before I let my knees fall out to the sides and showed them everything. Their arms dropped limply to their sides, their jaws slack, as they watched me push two fingers into my dripping pussy and then pull them out and raise them to my lips, licking them clean while I stared at Jamie. I wanted him to know that even though I was starting to develop some serious feelings for Rowan, I would always belong to him.
All of this was for him. And it was the gift he’d given me. He’d shown me how to be myself, and that I was perfect, exactly how I was. Without his love, I would never have had the courage to put myself on display like this, for him or any other man.
I lowered my spit-slick fingers back down between my legs and whimpered as I pressed them to my clit, overwhelmed by the electric sensation of my own touch.
“Fuck,” Rowan said, shoving a hand through his hair, his eyes glued on my fingers as I pushed them back inside myself. I could see the large outline of his stiff cock through his briefs. When I spread myself with my fingers and he heard just how wet I was for them, he shuddered and then he dropped to his knees and covered my pussy with his hot, hungry mouth.
He ate me like a starving man, refusing to let up until I came on his face. Then he and Jamie bent me over the back of the couch and took turns fucking me roughly from behind. When I was stuffed full of their come, exactly the way I was meant to be, we sat down together to eat the slightly overdone frittata.
49.
Hope
Jamie reached over and squeezed my hand. I pulled my eyes from the rolling gray landscape and turned to show him my best fake smile.
He wasn’t buying it.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, glancing over at me before returning his attention to the road unrolling in front of us. The highway was long and desolate, winding through the empty miles of pastureland that stretched between Wyoming and Colorado.
His question was loaded. I hadn’t been quite right since everything that happened with Kane. And then there was Thacker, and my unexpected but undeniable feelings for Rowan.
“I’m all right,” I said, interlacing my fingers with his. That much was true. I wasn’t great, but I was getting through it.
What was distracting me more than anything were my feelings for Rowan, which had bloomed and grown like wild weeds over the past few weeks. I’d been holding him at arm’s length this whole time, afraid because I knew I was falling for him. I’d never been able to separate sex from emotion and I had no idea why I’d believed I could do so now.
Thacker was an entirely different can of worms. Those were feelings I’d been denying much longer than my feelings for Rowan. Nothing could happen between us, and there were a million reasons why. Not least of which: he was my boss, I was already in a complicated throuple, and despite what he said, I was still fairly certain that he hated my guts. He couldn’t put enough distance between us, couldn’t exit a room fast enough once I entered. So why did these feelings persist? I’d listened to his voicemail from that night more times than I could count, trying and failing to parse the panic in his voice. What did it mean? This man I’d rarely seen show any emotion other than anger sounded desperate as he pleaded with me to call him back.
It was no wonder he hated me. I’d put him through all of that just because I’d made the stupid decision to stay out and get drunk by myself, drunk enough that I could be convinced to leave the bar with Kane Devereaux. Jamie and Rowan were convinced he’d drugged me but I wasn’t so sure. I’d been on a bender that night, trying to blot Thacker out of my mind.
We fought like lovers, passionate, at each other’s throats.
I blinked and then glanced at Jamie guiltily. My heart spilled over with love just to look at him. He was all I’d ever wanted. So why was I so intrigued by these other men? Why couldn’t I keep things strictly physical with Rowan? Or put a lid on whatever was boiling between me and Thacker?
We were headed down to Denver to see Lola and Reid. Lola somehow managed to beenoughfor eight men. She somehow managed to love them all. But she and I were very different people. She was a social butterfly, charming with a ready smile. She was easy to love.
Nothing about me was easy.
“I think we’re going to have a good time,” Jamie said. I sighed and sank back into the bucket seat. “Try sounding less enthusiastic,” he quipped.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not yet,” I said, and he let it drop. But the truth was, I did want to talk about it. Just not to him. I needed to talk to my oldest, closest, very best friend.
50.
Hope
“Oh. My. GOD!” Lola squealed as she threw wide the front door of the certified mansion she was currently living in. The digs were impressive, but she was the shiniest thing around. I threw down my weekend bag and wrapped both arms around her. She giggled and hugged me back, resting her head on my shoulder. We just stood like that for a few seconds while our souls synced up. Then she set me away from her, and the rest of the world came back into focus. “Let me look at you,” she said.
We’d only been apart a few months, but they felt like years. Seeing her brought everything to the surface, and I realized that there were tears in my eyes. I blinked, willing them away, but of course, she noticed.
Behind me, Jamie and Reid were engaging in a very enthusiastic bro hug.
