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Why did this feel so right, if it was wrong? Why did we fit so well together, if we weren’t supposed to be together? I’d tried to move on, to focus on the partners I already had. But for some reason still a mystery to me, I just couldn’t. Maybe it was because I saw him almost every day, or maybe it was because I’d never been one to shy away from a challenge. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t bring myself to release him back into the dating ocean. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to watch him be with another woman the way I wanted him to be with me.
But I also couldn’t offer him the monogamous, co-dependent kind of love I’d thought was the only real option a few months ago.
Could it have just been a few months? How had I ended up here, so far away from where I started? Tantalizingly close to true sexual liberation?
I was liberated enough, at least, to know that I couldn’t force anyone to live this lifestyle. I could only do what was right for me.
And maybe Thacker was right about this situation being wrong for him. Wouldn’t he know, better than anyone, what he could handle?
Sure, I’d grown and learned that I was capable of opening my heart to the possibility of more. But I knew I couldn’t ask that of anyone else. We were all on our own paths to happiness. If being with me would set Thacker back instead of moving him forward, then he was right. It was a bad idea.
74.
Jamie
Rowan and I stood together against the wall, watching our girl dance with her next conquest. It was the natural order of things, I suppose, that Hope would be drawn to Thacker. The question was, would Thacker be willing to risk his heart and his sanity to wade into this unorthodox relationship?
By now, this was our normal. All three of us had adapted, fallen easily into the rhythm of this strange new world.
Hope was happier than I’d ever seen her. Even when we were falling in love, with secret, stolen glances behind her brother’s back, she was still distant sometimes. I knew she worried about things she didn’t share with me. But now, she seemed…content.
I never thought I’d be the type to stand by while another man openly lusted after my girlfriend. I’d been in more than a few bar brawls over girls who meant nothing to me compared to how I felt for Hope. But somehow, I didn’t feel the need to rip Rowan’s head off when I saw him kissing her. I didn’t want to drive him out. I wanted him to be involved in our life together. Thacker, too, if that was what Hope wanted.
This must be unconditional love, the way I felt for her. I would gladly lay down my life for her. I’d only barely managed to stop myself from actually killing Kane and his mouth-breathing buddy for what they’d tried to do to her. If they ever let me catch them trying something like that again, they wouldn’t be so lucky.
My hands were curled into white-knuckle fists just thinking about what I’d still like to do to them. Kane especially. I wasn’t sure Boomer could add two and two, but Kane was smart, and conniving.
I scanned the room for him, and when I saw him across the dance floor, I realized that he was watching Hope. I narrowed my eyes. My fingernails dug into my palms as I struggled to get myself back under control. I didn’t need to go to jail, or blow the season, and Hope would tell me as much. For some reason, I had no problem watching Thacker twirl my girl around the ballroom, put his hands all over her, and at the same time, I was furious at the thought of even Kane’s eyes touching her.
“Hey, man—you okay?” Rowan asked from beside me. I glanced over at him to find him watching me with a furrowed brow. “You look like a tomato.” I forced myself to take a deep breath, closing my eyes and willing my hot blood to return to my body instead of rushing to my brain and my heart, reminding me that men had gone to war over less. “Are you mad that she’s dancing with Mr. Douche?” That was the petty, grade-school nickname we’d given Thacker behind Hope’s back.
“No,” I forced out, my eyes still glued on Kane. Rowan followed my gaze, and when he saw what I was staring at, he made an angry sound in his throat.
“That asshole better pray I don’t catch him outside. I’ll be more than happy to serve up another beating. Clearly, the first two didn’t leave the impression I’d hoped.” I sighed. Rowan and I were strangers at the start of the season. All we had in common was a mutual drive to see the Ice Hawks to the top of the league. We were both filled with a burning desire to prove all the pundits wrong who said that last season was a fluke, a lucky combination of power players who had all moved on to the Prospectors since then.
Prove them wrong we had. We made the playoffs, and had a banner year by any standard, even with a mostly new crew of first and second-liners. And now we shared a burning desire for more than a winning hockey season. I hadn’t thought it was possible for anyone to ever love Hope as much as I did, but Rowan was making me question that belief. He was the one who had busted Kane’s nose after the incident at Copper’s, consequences be damned. I knew I could trust him, that he was on my team, on my side.
Thacker, on the other hand…I wasn’t so sure. I was convinced that he really just wanted her for himself, and he was actively trying to drive a wedge between us. I glanced over at the dark-haired man who was still whisking my girlfriend around the dance floor. Suddenly, the music changed from bright vintage country to something slow with a sexy bass line. Rowan and I looked at each other, and neither of us was paying Kane any attention now. We watched as Thacker and Hope stalled on the floor, both looking like they wanted to run in opposite directions as fast as their feet would carry them. But then she stepped forward, rested her hands on his hips, and started swaying hers to the beat.
The old Jamie would be burning with jealousy in a moment like this. Instead, I was just trying not to get hard right here in the middle of the gala. The way she moved with him…it was my favorite drug, to watch her be intimate with another man. And the way they were dancing together could only be described asintimate.
“I wonder if she’ll invite him back to the house,” Rowan said. I couldn’t tell from his tone if he was on board with that idea, or not. There was a dangerous glint in his eye as he watched their bodies grind together.
75.
Thacker
The DJ must have known me and hated my guts. When the music switched tempo and the lights dimmed, I started sweating. My heart was lodged firmly in my throat. And Hope was looking at me with those big, round, thundercloud eyes, that perfect mouth turned down in an irresistible pout. I wanted to get the fuck out of here, run all the way home, and climb in bed, under the covers, where no monsters could get me. Not even my own heart.
But that was just a fairytale, like love and happiness and everything else I believed in as a child that I’d since learned was horseshit.
When Hope reached for my hips, I flinched, but I let her grab me. My cock was already thick and throbbing just being pressed against her, but when she moved in and started grinding against me, all pretense was completely lost. No way she couldn’t feel it, rock hard and trying to rip through my pants to get to her. She looked up at me again and raised her eyebrows in a gut-wrenchingly sexy way. It was an invitation, and she made that clear by rolling her hips. I groaned and closed my eyes. This wasn’t fair. She was offering me everything I wanted on a silver platter…except that there would be two other guys in the room with us. I looked over her head, and my eyes collided with Jamie’s suspicious blue ones. But as we stared at each other, the corner of his mouth ticked up into a knowing smile. Could he see what she was doing to me from all the way across the room?
Whatever the case, he didn’t seem remotely bothered that his girlfriend was writhing against me like she was trying to give me a preview of what was to come if I caved and went home with them.
Would it be caving? Or would I just be getting out of my own way? I was the oldest one in the bunch by a few years at least. This polyamory stuff was completely new to me, and I couldn’t help the way my old-fashioned brain wanted to reject the idea and instead commit to the traditional way…or nothing at all.
The truth was, I was probably going to die alone. So what would it hurt, really, to make a brief pit stop with this intriguing group? I had no interest in being intimate with a man, but if they wanted to watch me fuck their woman, would it be so bad to oblige them?
