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Logan moved his head just in time as Desi collapsed onto Joel's chest moaning and panting from the most violent climax of her life.
She was boneless. She couldn't move; a satisfied lassitude swept throughout her limbs and she lay sprawled across Joel's chest, unmoving and uncaring of whatever took place around her. She felt the mattress shift and knew that Logan had moved away, quietly murmuring something to Jake that her fuddled brain refused to comprehend. It wasn't important. She took great gulps of air into her lungs, feeling like she'd run a marathon and was vaguely aware that her throat hurt just a little.
Joel was still seated firmly inside her, although she could sense him softening and she felt Jake withdraw, returning a moment later with a warm, damp cloth, which he used to clean her up. Joel rolled her onto her back and took a fresh cloth to clean between her legs but all Desi could do was lay supine beneath their ministrations, her gaze unfocused and her body trembling in the aftermath.
Jake sat her up and wrapped a soft blanket firmly around her quivering body, and Joel scooped her up and settled her comfortably in his lap. A second later, Jake pushed a bottle of water against her lips and ordered her to drink.
"I'm going to help Logan with the clean-up," he announced before leaving her snuggled in Joel's solid arms.
Desi's awareness of the next hour was hazy at best. She was dimly conscious of being carried out to Jake's car while Logan was left to sort out the bed and lock up. She had a fuzzy memory of Jake driving back to her apartment while Joel kept her nestled within his warm embrace. She must have slept, because her next perception was feeling like she was floating before Joel laid her carefully down in her own bed, gently tucking the sheets around her.
But one realisation stood out in complete clarity. She loved this turbulent, brooding man, who, in his own way, was even more closed off than she was and she wondered if he could see the yearning in her eyes when, in a moment of complete abandon, she lay her heart at his feet and whispered, "I love you."
She felt Joel stiffen immediately, saw the icy distance freeze his expression and bleed into his eyes, even if, just for a millisecond, she thought she had seen them flare with a reciprocated fire. Imagination, she thought, closing her eyes against the swift shaft of pain that pierced her heart. Or wishful thinking.
When she slowly opened her eyes, Joel saw the yearning had been replaced with an achingly deep sadness and he fought the urge to gather her back into his arms and repeat those precious words back to her. In the sorrowful silence that stretched between them, Joel stoically pulled the sheets right up to her shoulders, pinning her arms beneath to prevent her from reaching for him. He only had so much control around this woman, and he knew he had to get out of here before she undid him.
But Desi didn't move, didn't speak. Didn't beg or plead or argue. Didn't try to grab him or kiss him or offer herself to him. Joel found himself oddly resentful that she didn't fight for him, even while he sought to prevent it. But Desi didn't do anything to try and change the truth she witnessed in his eyes. Not because she couldn't or wouldn't, not because she was still bound by his dominance, but because she still had a little bit of pride left. Tears glazed her eyes as an ephemeral dream she didn't even know she'd harboured, forlornly disintegrated into dust and blew away, leaving her curiously hollow.
She closed her eyes again, willing the tears away. She wouldn't let them fall, not right now, and when she opened them again, Joel saw her expression had changed to one of quiet acceptance.
A corner of his heart vigorously mourned the love she silently withdrew and threatened to engulf his good sense, prompting him to beg for it back, to accept it, to hold it close and treasure it always, but he ruthlessly forced those feelings back. They weren't real, anyway, were they? Just a product of the emotion and intensity of the evening.
Inhaling a deep breath and letting it out on a desolate sigh, Joel pressed a soft kiss to her cheek and nuzzled her ear with his nose as he whispered, "Goodbye, Desi." Then he got up and walked away.
There was a finality about those words, and somehow, Desi knew he was gone for good. A single tear escaped her eye and ran down her cheek as she rolled onto her side and curled into a ball, hugging her arms around her middle in an attempt to comfort herself. That was the last tear she would allow herself to waste on a man who didn't want her.
She understood now. Tonight, hadn't just been about her. Maybe none of it had been about her. Or at least, not only about her.
Tonight, had been a lot about Joel. It had been a way for Joel to exorcise his demons, to break her and deliberately remould her into someone he didn't want, someone who didn't threaten his control. She could see that now with a startling clarity, but she wasn't mad, she wasn't offended. She was just sad that Joel felt he had to go to such great lengths to find that peace.
And it was okay, she realised. Because he had set her free. At the very least, she could do the same for him. In her heart, she hoped that Joel had found the freedom he was looking for, and in her mind, she released her mental possession of him and let him go.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The following morning, Desi awoke groggily. Her body ached from head to toe, but her mind felt gloriously free.
Stretching cautiously, she became aware of a hard, male body behind her. In the same second, she knew it wasn't Joel, but instead of sinking into familiar despair, she found herself appreciating that Jake was such a good friend and that he cared enough to look after her.
She rolled over and cuddled against him, pillowing her head on his bare shoulder and ignoring the fact that she was still naked. She might have been self-conscious about that before yesterday, but really, what was the point? She had done things with this man that she'd never even done with the previous two men she'd had actual relationships with. He'd seen everything she had to offer—or hide, depending on how you wanted to look at it—up close and very personal, so there was no point in trying to cover it all up now.
Jake settled on his back and his arm came around her, pulling her close.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Good." she replied honestly, and she really was.
Desi made herself more comfortable and hooked one of her legs over his. The movement made her conscious of the rather large erection that was suddenly pressing against her belly, barely contained by his boxer shorts, and she stilled her wriggling.
"What?" Jake muttered. "You're a damn sexy woman and I'm only human!" he grumbled good-naturedly.
Desi pressed her face into his pec and giggled.
"Sorry," she said, placing a chaste kiss on his shoulder. "I wasn't thinking."
Jake squeezed her shoulder and placed a kiss of his own on the crown of her head.
"I had to stay and make sure you were all right," he explained, and she nodded her understanding.
