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"She's not a 'gossip columnist' and I heard the story directly from the horse's mouth. She's a friend of mine," Anita replied haughtily, undaunted by Joseph's anger.
Damn it all, the bitch reporter was still trying to get the scoop on the Blackwoods, this time by cosying up to Anita. Joel rolled his eyes in sheer disgust. A friend? Anita definitely wasn't winning herself any brownie points by admitting that to his father. No, siree!
"And did that horse also point out that everything she accused Jake of only took place within sanctioned establishments between consenting parties? Did she tell you that it was part of a lifestyle, an interest, a relaxation like, say, yoga or Pilates? Or did she, in fact, imply that my nephew went around beating and battering all of his girlfriends? Did she ever actually claim to have been abused?" Joseph's voice had become silky soft, far more dangerous than his loud bellow.
Anita just looked confused. "Well…no, she never claimed she was abused, as such, just that Jake was a pervert, that he tied her up and used a whip…"
Joel wondered what she might say about him, if he told her the truth, if she knew about his kink. He wondered what would happen if that information came out after they were married. Would she out him to the world, or would she keep silent in order to protect her own reputation?
"So, she never added the parts of the truth that explained Jake's behaviour, never exposed those facts that made him anything other than a deviant. Never admitted that she herself was a member of a BDSM club, that she took part in scenes of a sexual nature, with Jake, with other men, with other women. In other words, she twisted the truth to make it into a story that would sell copy, simply because of who it involved, and boosted her career in the process. She used my nephew for her own gain and abused his trust and then wanted to splash his private and personal life all over the gutter press, and when she was stopped from doing that, she resorted to insinuation and innuendo to ruin a young man's reputation. It could just as easily have been Joel, you know."
Anita sucked in a shocked breath, and her eyes flew to her fiancée.
"Joel was the bigger fish; it was Joel she was going after. But he had a girlfriend and the bitch couldn't manage to get close enough to him, so she settled for Jake, instead. In fact, the crap she wrote in that article implicated Joel just as much as Jake; did you know that, Anita? Joel was a member of the same BDSM club. But because she had been dating Jake, the spotlight was turned his way, after the injunction prohibited her from naming names.
A small cry was torn from Anita. "But Joel isn't a pervert…"
"That's right, Anita," Joseph interrupted. "Joel isn't a pervert and neither is Jake!" Joseph's eyes narrowed. "You, on the other hand, have dragged my family's good name through the mud, in public, no less. You have interfered with Jake's relationship with a woman whom I admire and respect and who I was determined to have working for my company. Who knows what damage your loose lips have done in that respect? I had considered you to be suitable wife material…I've changed my mind, and you are no longer welcome in my circle!" Joseph finished on a low growl.
Anita's eyes widened for a moment, but then they hardened and a scowl crossed her features that made her look ugly. "Well, unfortunately for you, it's too late for that now," she dared to oppose his father.
"I already have a ring on my finger." She waved the obscenely gaudy diamond that she had insisted on and placed a hand on her bony hips.
Completely inappropriately and for reasons quite unfathomable, the thought of having to have sex with this woman suddenly popped into Joel's mind and he couldn't suppress the shudder that dragged through his body. He seriously wondered if he would actually be able to perform. The very idea seemed to make his cock shrivel up and hide, and he wondered if he actually needed to justify his reasons for wanting to terminate their engagement? His father had pretty much handed him his freedom on a plate, all he needed to do was act on it.
His heart ached at the thought of losing Desi. Pushing her away was one thing, but having her permanently off limits in the arms of another man was something else entirely. His mind was so messed up. He'd thought he was in control, but the reality was completely the opposite. He was engaged to a woman he neither wanted or liked, because his father had thought her 'suitable', and now Joseph had changed his mind and would expect Joel to walk the company line. This was his life, for crying out loud. His future, his family, his children, his happiness. When the hell had he ceded control of the most important part of himself to other people. When had his private life become simply an extension of company politics?
This is what he had been fighting his whole life. This is why the idea of control had always been so important to him—so that he didn't lose these precious parts of himself to the might of the corporation. But somehow, his preoccupation with his feelings for Desi had allowed him to relinquish control of the rest of his life. He had thought it was she who posed the danger to his authority because she made him lose his focus, because she tugged on his heart strings and blew his mind, because his feelings for her were so strong that they scared him to death and he didn't want to admit to his fear, to the weakness she caused in him.
Instead, he had been so busy running from love and joy and happiness that he had allowed himself to fall victim to his worst nightmare, that his whole life be mapped and acted out at the huge corporate whims for the good of the company. Because the company was bigger than he or his father were, or even the family; they were just the ones who guided it. And all his life, Joel had fought from being swallowed up by its immenseness, to go from guiding the company to have it guiding him.
But now, he had fallen into its ultimate trap—he was marrying someone for no other reason than she had been considered 'suitable corporate wife material'. He was hiding his true nature, in case it had a negative effect on the company, when, in fact, those with a dominant personality were the only ones truly capable of pushing the corporation in the direction it needed to take. It was just a company. It wasn't an entity in its own right. Without the right people, it would wither and die, regardless of its size and success so far. It wasn't a coincidence that so many of the directors were Doms. It was a mind-set that was required for success.
Why had he never understood all this before? He was in control of this company; it wasn't in control of him. That had been his objective all these years and yet, somehow, it had still managed to sneak up and lure him into living for the company instead of living for himself. Well, that was about to end. Right here and right now, he would make a stand against doing what was expected instead of doing what he wanted and then he would go and become the man that he had always pretended to be. The one who was in control of his own destiny.
Anita and his dad were still facing off against each other, but Joel didn't have time for that right now. He needed to get to Desi, to convince her that he loved her and that he wasn't a complete ass. That she should take a chance on him.
"Anita, the engagement is off. This was a mistake, and it's better if we don't make it even bigger," he told her as he jabbed at the button for the elevator.
"What?" Anita screeched, the sound hurting his ears. "Really, Joel. Don't let your father dictate your life!"
"You're absolutely right, Anita. I'm not going to let him do that, and that's why I'm breaking things off. It would be a complete mistake for me to marry you just because other people once thought it was best for the company image or because it was felt that I needed a suitable hostess when I become full CEO."
Anita's mouth dropped open. "But…"
"I don't love you, Anita, and you don't love me, either. You just love my money, my position, and my status. And you know what…" He didn't wait for an answer. "I want somebody who loves me, not because of what I represent, but just for who I am. And I was stupid enough to let that person go."
The lift arrived and Joel looked at his father, daring Joseph to question his declaration. "But I'm going to try and change that, right now."
As he dived into the elevator, Joel thought he saw a slight smile on his father's face, but all his father did was take Anita by the arm and steer her to the second car, telling her that he'd arrange an immediate flight back home and cancel the publication of the official engagement announcements while his short lived and now ex fiancée cursed and stomped in a most unladylike manner, quite unbecoming of a corporate wife, and ranted about houses and designer clothes and social standing that told Joel she was more upset about the material things she had lost rather than the man that he was. The relief he felt at his decision made him feel light enough to fly.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Joel stood outside the door of Desi's apartment, feeling more scared than he ever had in his life. Not scared that the woman inside had the ability to undermine his control, but scared that it might be too late, that he might have already lost her.
He had experienced another epiphany on the drive over, one where he had realised that he was stronger with her than without, where he finally understood that he lost nothing of himself by allowing her into his heart, but he gained so much more from her being there. She could compliment and support him, guide him and soothe him. She could bring light and laughter and contentment into his miserable existence. Suddenly, all the steps he had taken to erase her from his life made no sense at all. What the hell had he been thinking? For the life of him, he could no longer understand his own logic in all that he'd done. None of it was very rational, which only proved how warped his thinking had been.
Now, though, his path seemed so very clear. He wanted Desi in his life, permanently. He wanted her for his wife, and anything else was just a bonus. He realised, at last, that he'd never been searching for the perfect submissive. He had just been searching for Desi. It didn't matter how she presented herself, whether she was quiet or loud, whether she was statue still or even if she writhed deliciously beneath him. It didn't even matter if they never scened together or played again. It only mattered that she was his.
