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Dear Great Mother, why was I not worthy?
“Oh,” Sloane hissed quietly. “Oh—Nia’n’an—I can’t believe how badly I want you all the time,” she said, thudding her hips against me—while I wondered if the words she’d said were true.
Did the lack of our bond hurt her, as well?
Had I failed her in some other new and entirely unacceptable way?
Her breath caught and then she shuddered against me. I felt fluids release from her, this time hers mixed with the ones I’d left inside her, as her intoxicating scent rose up all around.
She even smelled like me now—why was she not mine?
What was wrong with me?
“Ohhhhh,” Sloane said, sighing, sagging against me. “That was good.”
I was glad the translation device was broken—because given our current situation, I had to disagree.
Thirty
SLOANE
All I wantedto do after that was sleep—but Nia’n’an wouldn’t let me. He let me bathe again, and redid my cast, but he wouldn’t let me rest.
Not on the ground, at least. He snuggled me up against him, which I liked, but I knew we were moving quicker than we had been.
“Is something wrong?” I asked when I woke up and he hadn’t slowed down. He looked at me and shook his head, but he kept moving quickly. “Don’t lie to me, Nia’n’an.”
He stopped then and gave me a soulful look.
“I’m not really in a rush to get anywhere.” I’d been dreading leaving him before when I was horny. Now I wasstillhorny and I liked himeven more.“I don’t have anything waiting for me out there.” And then I had a horrible thought. “Do...you?”
Oh God, please tell me I wasn’t some kind of accidental web-wrecker—then I realized he’d told me hewasa virgin.
Maybe he needed a job? Or money? Or to see his friends?
I didn’t know, but as no other answers became apparent, a familiar feeling began settling around my shoulders, and I panicked a little.
“Can you kiss me?” I asked, reaching up to encourage it. He bowed his head, shook it, and kept moving at our current pace—like he was in a hurry to get rid of me.
Because of course he was.
I didn’t have any money down here to give him, or fame, or drugs.
Right now I was just me—and just me was never enough.
I ducked back into the sack he’d made for me on his chest, my heart breaking as we continued.
We wenton for two whole days—I couldn’t really tell, but it felt like that, at least. We made do with the last of the supplies inside his bag, and then we reached a point where he paused for some reason, and he let me out where I could lean against a wall.
He looked tired and I didn’t like that. “You need to rest, Nia’n’an.” I hobble-jumped over to where I could put my hands on his face, and he braced me up with one of his front spider-legs. “I don’t know why we’re in such a rush now, but nothing out there’s important to me. I promise.”
I knew he cared for me, even if he didn’t want to kiss me again; he was still so careful and gentle. And I knew my interest in him hadn’t abated. But something was currently deeply wrong, and I had a sinking feeling that every step he took was bringing us closer to it.
“I don’t understand, Nia’n’an,” I said. He bowed his head to mine again, and then slightly turned away so he could take his bag off his back and open it—and I could not believe what he pulled out next.
“You have had a motherfucking phone with you, this whole time?” I asked, my voice arcing as it echoed back down our current tunnel.
He gave me a look, and then used the phone to gesture to the walls all around us.
