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“He hurt me badly, Bishop. And as much as I want us to get to a good place, to be with him, to love and hold him—I’m not there. He has a lot of making up to do.”
“I know.”
“I think we should keep this to ourselves, at least when it comes to Toby. I don’t want to hide from the world, but I don’t think he’s ready to hear it.”
“I don’t think he is either.” I kiss the top of her head. “We'll go with what feels right, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I do want to tell you something while we’re in the moment of spilling truths.”
“Okay.” She gives me a worried look.
“At the beginning of the year, Toby couldn’t stand the idea of you dating.” I cringe. “He asked me to use up all your free time so you couldn’t date.”
“What!” she hisses.
“Wait, before you get mad at me. I want you to know that I already planned on trying to use all your free time, but not because I didn’t want you to date anyone. Okay, well, yeah, I didn’t want that, but it’s really because I wanted to get to know you better. I just wanted to be around you more. I was kind of hoping you would end up falling for me.” I give her a boyish look, my cheeks heating.
She bursts into giggles. “Okay, that's kind of adorable. And, well, I guess it did work.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Anything else I should know?”
“Yes.” I grimace. And she looks worried again for a second, her face falling. “Now that you’re my girlfriend, I’m going to have to start bringing you home to see my mom. She’s going to lose her shit when she finds out. She may pressure me into marrying you because she loves you that much. I’m sorry in advance.”
“Oh my god.” She giggles harder and everything seems right for the moment. “I love your mom. I’m more than okay with doing that. But the marriage thing... let’s put a pin in that.” She grins.
“Good idea. But you can be the one to break that news.”
She smiles so wide, shaking her head.
“Come on, you. I need to feed my woman.”
She gets up, still slightly giggling, and I hang back because her ass looks so damn fine in those sweatpants. They’re not just hot on men, you know?
Chapter 34
Lillianna
“Bee. Get your ass up now!” I smack her with a pillow.
“Go away. Five more minutes,” she grumbles, pulling the blankets up over her head and rolling to the side.
“Fine. I’m going to just leave you here and go buy all the banana chocolate chip muffins from the coffee shop so you have nothing when you go.”
“I don’t care.”
“Ugh,” I huff. We have class in less than thirty minutes. We’re going to be late because Bee, the little shit, got up and turned off the alarm on my phone because she wanted to sleep in longer. Making it so I wasn't able to get up and get ready. So now I’ve had to toss on some leggings and Bishop’s hoodie. I want to look cute, I’m in that stage when you get a boyfriend and you want to be cute every time you see them.
I don’t know why I care, seeing how the man literally washed blood and another man’s cum off me. We’re never going to talk about that again, but I will forever remember how fucking amazing he was to me that night and continues to be. It’s only been a week since that dreadful day, but time has been weighing heavily on me.
B and Jonas asked me about what happened that night, and I told them as much as I felt comfortable with. I’ll give them more details later, but right now my head is still a mess.
This is what I know as of right now: Toby’s been suffering with something traumatic on top of battling a mental health disorder for years now, and kept it all from me. He says it’s because he didn’t want me to see him differently or be afraid of him. I understand his reasoning, but I wish he trusted me and our bond enough to know I never would have turned on him like that.
He has been off his meds since I started school, so during most of our interactions lately he was in a depressive state, and then last week he was in a manic state. I’m still learning and doing research to better understand Toby and what he has to live with. But he’s wrong. Even in these states, aside from the dry hump then rejection session, and the brawl followed by taking my virginity in the locker room, I wasn’t afraid of him. Even with his burst of anger. So, if he just gave me the chance to learn, and help better understand him, he could have avoided a lot of our combined heartache. But I’m not in his head, so I can’t try to make him out to be the bad guy. He’s not a bad guy, he just did shitty things he needs to make up for.
