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MY LIFE IS SLOWLY CRASHING down around me, and I only have myself to blame. All I feel is anger and hatred towards myself.
After talking to Lilly at the café a few days ago, I’ve been spiraling. I can’t focus on my studies, and practice has been shit. Jax isn’t happy with me and with the first game coming up, I’m at risk of being pulled before the season has even started.
Seeing Lilly makes my heart ache and seeing her with Ryan makes me fucking murderous. I’ve gotten into a few fights with the guys on the team, snapping at the drop of a hat. I hate it. I don’t like feeling like this, but I can’t seem to get all these strong emotions to go away enough for me to think. I can’t fucking think. And when I do think, she’s the one who takes up the space in my head.
I hurt her, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. I just wish she could understand why we can’t be together. I’m doing this for her own good. She’ll see it one day... I hope. And it’s not just protecting her from the people of this town, I’m protecting her from myself. I’m not good enough for her. But no one is, really.
It’s not just my relationship with Lilly that’s suffering. Bishop and I... I can feel a rift between us. I’ve snapped at him too, been a moody bastard.
I’ve hardly seen him the past week because he’s been doing exactly what I asked him to do by using up all of Lilly’s free time.
I fucking hate it. I thought it was a good idea at the time, but the more I see them together, the angrier I get, because I feel like I’m being replaced. I used to be the most important person in Lilly’s life. I was the one who knew everything about her, who made her laugh and smile.
And then everything went to shit because I couldn’t keep my anger in check. My parents had to do a lot of things to keep me from doing jail time. I thought I was doing the right thing by putting distance between Lilly and me, to protect her from the damage.
Now, I very well might have lost her forever. Why couldn’t I just have kept my fucking hands and lips to myself? Why did I have to pull her into my lap that night? Why did I have to kiss her and change everything between us?
Because it’s what my soul has been craving for years. It’s what my heart has been aching for. It’s everything I’ve dreamed about and more.
The look of pure devastation on her face when I asked her to just forget about it, that it shouldn’t have happened, it’s going to haunt me for life.
I didn’t want to hurt her. The idea of anyone hurting her makes me physically ill. But I did. I hurt her and I can’t take it back. I don’t know how to make it right.
How do we go back to being friends, to having that closeness we had before?
We don’t. We can’t. Not unless it means being something more. And I won’t do that to her. I won’t shackle her to a broken man.
I’ve been drinking more often than not, and it scares me. Alcoholism isn’t something that's in my bloodline, but Brody suffers from it. He’s a recovering alcoholic and has been sober since I was seven. But I know it’s something he still struggles with sometimes. Jax and Ellie are a big help with that and they’ve gone to the occasional meeting with him if he needs it.
I’m afraid that I might tumble down that same path. The pain is too much sometimes, and I just need something to take that pressure off. But when I drink, the night terrors come back.
I never wake up from them, but I know about them because Bishop has told me I have them.
All my life, I’ve tried to be the man my parents wanted me to be. Kind, caring, loving. But I’ve struggled with my anger, even before the incident. That night just unleashed the damage I knew I was capable of inflicting.
“Hey,” Ellie walks into the living room, where I’m sitting on the couch, playing with my phone, not ready to go back to the dorm yet.
If I get bored, I’ll go drinking and look for a fight. I don’t want to do that tonight.
“Hey.” I look up at her.
“How come you're here? I thought you would have gone with your sister and Bishop.” I flinch slightly at the mention of Lilly being my sister. I might have given her that as an excuse for us not being together, but I didn’t mean it. She will never be my sister, not in my eyes. She will always be so much fucking more.
“I didn’t feel like going back to the dorms.” I shrug.
“Dorms? They didn’t go back to school.” She looks at me with her brows slightly furrowed.
“Where did they go then?” I ask, my body going on high alert.
“To the community rink. It’s their first week of volunteering to teach the little ones how to skate.”
“What?” My brows furrow.
“You didn’t know? I asked your sister to mention it to you. To see if you wanted to help them out because they were looking for more people.”
“No,” I grind out, jaw ticking as that familiar sense of rage fills me.
“I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it,” Rain says, stepping into the room. “I think they’ve just wanted something they could do together, they seemed very excited about it.”
