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“Squirt.”
“I'm fine. I’m in denial, so it's all good if I stay away from the club. I can pretend he's still there; that way, I won’t know he's actually gone.”
“Why don't you come home, well, to Bernie’s, and we can be together? I can look after you. I will look after you, you know that.”
“I know, Dad. I just need to sort out my next move. I’m kinda flailing at the minute, and Hades knows what the hell I’m doing, but I think I’m numb, and I don't know what to do for the best, so I’m doing what I should have done to start with, and that's hiding out in The Tower with snacks.”
“Well, it seems like you have a whole plan there, Squirt, so what's happening with Foxtrot 5? You know you can't keep them. They're one of our best groups of operatives.”
“Yeah, about that, Dad… So, you know, after all I’ve been through, I think I need to be with the team, and I’ve told them they can choose to stay with me or come back to you guys. I’m waiting on their decision now.”
“Is that so?”
“Yup.”
“You know you're avoiding, right?”
“Yup.”
“We gonna talk about it?”
“Nope, I'm gonna stay here as long as I can before I have to deal… Dad, I don’t think I'm strong enough to really process everything. If I think about it, I might just lose my mind, and I can't afford to do that while I’m pregnant. I think I can finally try and process it all once the babies are here.”
“Squirt, that's not healthy, you need to grieve.”
“Well, I will schedule some time in between the babies being born and their tenth birthday, okay?”
“Sunshine.”
“Don’t, Dad, please… he used to… just don’t, okay.”
I hear him sigh. “Okay… for now.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, Squirt.”
I hang up and pace the roof. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m over half way through this pregnancy. I’m totally on my own. I've got no husband, no family… well, I’ve got Dad, Pa, Ma, Bran and Dane, but if I go back to my brothers, how long before I break and fuck knows what will happen then? I mean, I could take out a small fucking country with my hormones alone, but is it hormones, or is it grief? Either way, I’m going to do what I do fucking best: compartmentalising and shoving that fucker into storage so I can stay in this town I’ve named Denial, population one. Well, I suppose population three.
“Hey,” Rook says as he comes out on the roof.
“Hey.”
“You good?” I shrug. I mean, what the fuck do I say to that? No, my heart got ripped out and stomped on. No, I watched the other part of my soul get ripped away. I was so lost and lonely I convinced myself that I hated him so I wouldn't have to go to his funeral. I say what I think will work best in this situation,
“I'm fine.”
“We’ll stay on one condition.”
“That is?”
“We want a base.”
“Deal.”
“Wait, I didn't finish.”
“Okay.”
