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The silence is both peaceful and tense.
I can hear the muffled beat of the loud music downstairs. Occasionally, someone will shout in the hallway or bang against a door. There’s a steady pounding in the room next to this one that makes me think another couple is making very different use of the bed in there.
I don’t even know whose bed I’m lying on right now. One of his teammates’?
I don’t know what to think. How to feel.
I just got blindsided.
And I didn’t think Holden would blindside me. That hecould.
I thought we were honest with each other, almost painfully so. He knows all my insecurities and fears. I’m stripped bare and vulnerable, feeling stupid for not asking more questions about his visit to Arlington last weekend. Wanting to know exactly what happened and also feeling like I’ll fracture into tiny pieces talking about it.
My feelings for Holden have always balanced on the fine line between love and hate.
That line has never looked thinner.
I love him. I love him so,somuch.
But right now, I also hate him to a painful degree. It actuallyhurts, like there’s a splinter shoved into my chest.
Do I think he cheated on me?
No.
But the smug expression from a blonde in a low-cut dress and the guilty, panicked expression on Holden’s face had me considering the possibility.
He admitted he was drunk.Wastedwas the word he used. And I’ve always known Holden has the tendency to self-destruct. To make stupid choices without thinking or caring about consequences.
The blonde’s superior smile is burned into my brain.
She wants him.
Girls havealwayswanted him, and I’m sick of always second-guessing myself. It’s the girls in my Genetics class all over again. You can only rise above so many times before the low road looks a lot more appealing.
It feels like I’m sixteen again, staring at Grace Harper draped all over him in the hallway outside my homeroom.
My parents have been married for more than two decades and have six kids. They couldn’t manage to make it work forever.
Instead of the success story I always thought they were, they’re proof that sometimes love isn’t enough. That’s an open wound that’s burning right now.
I can’t tell my best friend because Holden is her brother. I don’t want Sydney knowing and getting angry on my behalf when she needs his support with everything she’s got going on right now. I can’t talk to my mom, who’s dealing with plenty already. She doesn’t need to worry about my relationship on top of her own. Nova is never home to talk to, and it feels too personal to confide in anyone else.
I feel betrayed, and not just by Holden. I always felt like love was something I had a solid example for, some model to follow.
Now it feels like I’m groping through a dark room, just hoping I’ll make it across without crashing.
I roll my head to glance at him.
Holden’s back is stiff with tension, his posture rigid as he leans forward on his elbows.
He hasn’t said a word since I told him to be quiet or leave. And he’s stayed. He didn’t listen when I told him to stay away earlier. He fought like I wanted him to when I brought up a break.
I know I’ll forgive this.
Maybe it makes me pathetic or at the very least a hopeless romantic, but I know he’sitfor me. Know I’ll never love another person the way I love him.
I’m not sure there’s anything he could do that Iwouldn’tforgive, which is terrifying.
