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“I’m jealous of you,” Sydney says suddenly.
I glance over at her. She’s playing with the hem of her shirt, a glum look on her face. “What? Why?”
“Because you got the guy.” She makes a face. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s weird that he’s my brother. But if I pretend that he’s not, that he’s justaguy who looks at you the way Holden does… We both know I heard all the same rumors you did in high school, about the fights and the drinking and other girls. You always acted like you didn’t care.”
Her expression turns wry, both of us knowing I cared a whole lot, even if we never discussed it at the time.
“I just mean, you have a person. Someone has your back and cares no matter what. If you got pregnant accidentally, you’d know he wasin,” she continues. “That sounds pretty freaking nice right now.”
“Harrison will—”
“It’sdifferent, Cassia. I know Harrison will step up. But it’ll be different. You have someone who would see it as more than an accidental obligation. Holden would be excited. Supportive. Protective.”
I open my mouth, ready to refute. Recall Holden’s stunned expression earlier. That didn’t look like excitement to me. I have no clue how he’d react, honestly.
Sydney shakes her head, stopping me. “You don’t have to say anything. Maybe I’m a terrible best friend for saying anything. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or feel more sorry for me than you already do. I’m hormonal and scared.” She snorts. “Who would have thought, out of the two of us, that Holden would end up in a long-term relationship and I’d get knocked up from a one-night stand?”
“We’ve had plenty of problems, most of which you’ve witnessed. No relationship is perfect, but ours definitely isn’t.”
“You got through it all, though. That means something too.”
Your parents aren’t us. They made it really far. Just not all the way to the finish line. We will.
I heard the confidence—the certainty—in his voice. I believe him. And I appreciate it more, absorbing what Sydney is saying. My feelings for Holden terrify me. They also symbolize the safest I’ve ever felt.
“I want you to be happy, Cassia. Same with Holden. You guys give me hope of finding that person. All I’m trying to say is…I know I don’t have what you two have with Harrison. It wasn’t just the sex that was uncomfortable and awkward. None of it felt right or easy. And…” Her hand falls to her stomach, rubbing tiny circles. “That’ssad, more than scary. I was the kid born to two parents who didn’t love each other. I never wanted that for my own baby.”
I study her profile, deliberating how to respond. Not sure what I can say to make her feel better. “All you can do is make your own choices, Syd.”
She exhales, nodding.
“You and Holden grew up without a mom, and you both turned out pretty great.” I second-guess it as soon as I say it. Her mom is a topic Sydney and I don’t discuss. “You don’t need a perfect family. You’ll meet another guy, who itdoesfeel right and easy with. Harrison will be there, even if it’s not the exact way you wish it was between you. And you have me. Holden. If you think this kid will lack love…it won’t.”
She sniffles and nods. “Thank you.” Grabs a cookie. “Can we watch a comedy? So far, this has been the most depressing girls’ night we’ve ever had.”
I huff a laugh. Hand her the remote.
“We can watch whatever you want.”
Sink back against the cushions.
Wonder what Sydney would say, if I told her that I know of a couple who hadsix kidstogether, then decided to separate. Who went through all the steps you’re supposed to and still ended up walking on different paths at some point.
That what you’re aiming for—what you’re jealous of—is rarely as ideal as it looks.
That nothing is as solid as it seems.
It’s reassuring and discouraging.
There’s nothing to fall short of.
But if that’s the case, what’s the point of even trying?
CHAPTERNINETEEN
HOLDEN
Ispin, dodging the reach of an invisible opponent. The smack of rubber against varnished wood echoes around the cavernous space before I shoot, the orange ball arcing through the air to swish through the net.
