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As I headed to Nome, I decided to take Highway 105 to get there since I was on the north side of Beaumont. When I did, I thought of Yendi. She hadn’t called at all this week. She’d blown my phone up last week. Maybe she’d given up on me like I’d asked her to do. Although it was something I asked her to do, the reality of it had sunk in. She’d crossed my mind every day, but if I told her to let me go, I didn’t think it was wise to call her.
Once in Sour Lake, I turned left on Highway 326, which would take me past her apartment and past the school. I missed her something fierce. Feeling her soft body against mine was priceless. I knew how much she meant to me, but I didn’t fathom it would hurt this badly to let her go. I glanced at her complex then the school while heading home. Taking a deep breath, I turned up the radio trying to push thoughts of her out of my mind.
When I got to the office, I saw that Philly was still here, along with my mom. That was strange. She was hardly ever at the office. It was usually Aunt Tiff and Aunt Chas. I noticed Aunt Chas’s car was still here as well though. I quickly got out of my truck to see what was going on, if anything.
After walking in, I wanted to turn around and walk out. Avery was standing there with my mama, Christian, and Rylan. I didn’t see their vehicles. Maybe Mama had gone and picked them up. I swallowed hard then closed my eyes, trying to think about my counseling session the other day.Positivity. Clue him in on my boundaries. Tell him where I stand.
I opened my eyes and made my way to where they’d sat. When my mama saw me, she stood and came to me. “I’m sorry, baby. Philly called me when he got here. He said he wanted to talk to y’all and then he would leave.”
I nodded then kissed her cheek and made my way to where they were now standing again. I couldn’t believe Avery had driven out here, knowing how everyone felt about him, especially my uncles. As I got to where they were, I shook Christian and Rylan’s hands. I stared at him as he said, “Hello, Jakari.”
I nodded then sat next to my brothers as Philly watched from the front desk. When my stepdad, LaKeith, walked in, I felt more at ease. I didn’t want him trying to be tender or affectionate with my mother. With LaKeith here, I knew he wouldn’t dare.
“Y’all are probably wondering why I’m here. I just wanted to see y’all and let you know how much I love y’all. I understand your position about a relationship with me and the predicament I left y’all and your mother in a little over twelve years ago, especially you, Jakari. I just wanted to ask for your forgiveness in person… beg your forgiveness. Knowing that all of you hate me is hard. I know your mom has forgiven me, but she is no longer mine… which I know is my fault. No disrespect LaKeith.”
I glanced at LaKeith to see him lift his hand in a dismissive manner. Avery continued. “I’m so sorry for how I embarrassed and disappointed y’all. I can imagine you were angry, hurt, and torn. I was in therapy sessions the whole time I was locked up, and I’m in therapy sessions now.”
He turned to me and stared for a few seconds, before saying, “I’m not seeing her anymore. We didn’t know. I know it seems like I haven’t become a changed man because of Shakari’s age, but I’m striving to be just that. It’s a struggle as with any addiction or mental illness. I’m sorry about what seeing me there did to you and your lady friend. Son, I just want you to know… all of you to know that I’m so proud of the men you’ve become. My only words of advice are that whenever you are feeling weak… get help. No matter what it is.”
“What makes you think that I would accept any advice from you?” Christian asked. “Do you realize we’ve all changed our last names? Jakari and I are now Hendersons and Rylan’s last name is Douglas.”
“I realize that. Nevertheless, I know that all of you suffered mentally and emotionally because of what I did. My biggest downfall was not getting help when I knew something was wrong. Because I didn’t, I hurt people I love. I deeply regret that. This destroyed my family. I know Chrissy felt like I never loved her because of this, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because I didn’t seek help, I didn’t have the tools to fight the urges. Please don’t let hatred consume you. I know that all of you hate me. I get it, because I hate me too. I hate how I let this take over me.”
“You’re only saying that because you had to sit yo’ ass in that cell for twelve years,” Rylan said.
I’d been quiet and that was because I was trying to figure out what to say. I was trying to speak from a calm place and not one of rage. I could feel him staring at me, waiting for what I would offer. He knew my brothers respected me as the man of the house so to speak. I looked over at him and said, “I accept your advice. I just started counseling last week.”
What I said stunned them all, because none of them new I was in counseling. “When I saw you at the game two weeks ago, I knew I had to do something. I chose to focus on how much I hated you and what you did instead of the love I had for the woman standing right next to me. I left her at the arena. What puzzles me is that she still wanted me after that, but because I don’t know how to deal with my anger, hurt, and rage, I pushed her away, telling her she deserved better.”
I took a deep breath then continued. “In my first counseling session, I talked about all the reasons why I hated you… all the reasons why I was the man I am today. My flaws because of what happened. The last counseling session I had the other day, she had me focus on all the good times and memories I shared with you. I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. You taught me so much. Honestly, I was hoping to get past my anger on my own. My last name was Bolton until I saw you in Houston. That was when I realized I needed help.”
I slid my hands down my face as my mama stood from her seat and walked over to gently pat my back, consoling me. “She told me I had to call you dad when I referred to you. That session freed me from the anger. The disappointment and hurt are still there, because recalling all the good times made me miss them. In my eyes, you were a good man. You raised us in love and taught me how to be a man. What you did was heartbreaking, and I assumed a lot of the guilt for not asking questions or doing something when I recognized something was wrong with Nesha and Aunt Syn.”
Avery held his hands in front of his face in a praying manner as the tears fell down his cheeks. I’d never seen him cry. “So I need to set boundaries. Pop ups like today can’t happen. I can’t handle a relationship with you. I’m just trying to get a handle on my life. You can text me from time to time to see how I’m doing, and I’ll respond. If it becomes too frequent, I’ll shut it down. Any progression toward a relationship happens in my time. I miss the father I once knew, but I know I will never have him back because ofwhatI know. While I know you’re the same man, my perception of who you are has changed.”
“I understand, Jakari. Thank you. I love y’all so much.”
The tears fell from my eyes as I said, “I love you too, man. I just hate the crime. I mean… you could have sold drugs, robbed a store at gunpoint, almost anything else, but rape, especially of helpless little girls, bothers me to my core. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I’m trying to get over this now that I have help, but I know it will take time. All I ask is that you respect my boundaries and wishes.”
“Son, I have the utmost respect for you and how you took care of my responsibilities after I fucked everything up. If you never speak to me again after today, you will still always have my love and respect.”
He extended his hand to me. I stared at it for a moment then shook it and nodded at him. “I have to go. Guys, I love y’all,” I said to my brothers. “Do what you feel deep down in your hearts is best for you.”
As I walked out, I noticed LaKeith was behind me. When we got outside, he said, “I was proud of you before, but I’m even prouder of you now. The person I saw in there was a grown man, accepting his flaws, knowing his boundaries, and having an adult conversation without all the yelling, cursing, and disrespect. While Avery did despicable things, you still respected him as a man and as your father.”
I nodded as he grabbed my arm and hugged me. I hugged him back briefly then got in my truck and wiped my face. This conversation was even more freeing than the therapy session. I was on my way to being a better man. The only thing missing was the love of my life: Yendi Odom.
Fuck all that shit.I picked up my phone and called her, but it went straight to voicemail. I looked at the time to see it was almost four. She was off work. I tried calling again, only to suffer the same fate. I had to accept that maybe I’d lost her. That was the only regret I had in life. I let go of a once in a lifetime love. I just hoped she was okay and doing well. I’d have to check on her with Maui and Ashanni. I just couldn’t give up, not yet anyway.
CHAPTER18
YENDI
It was a struggle trying to get myself out of the funk I allowed my mother to put me in. I didn’t have a desire to do a thing, not even go to work, I missed an entire week. That wasn’t like me one bit. After calling my job and taking off the entire week, I powered my phone down and sank my sorrows in alcohol nearly the whole week. Once I’d killed every bottle of alcohol in the house, it seemed my depression got worse. I couldn’t lose myself in my inebriation.
I didn’t leave the apartment once, not even to get more alcohol. Choosing to deal with how I felt head on, I started talking verbally to God and to my daddy, hoping that would make me feel better. It didn’t. I’d gone back to work and thankfully, that had helped a little. I still wasn’t back to who I was with Jakari, but I was making small steps daily. The girls had come to see me today, and Maui wanted to remind me of her party coming up. However, I knew they could see my lack of enthusiasm.
Today hadn’t been any different. It had been another week, and I had to get ready for this stinking pep rally. Two weeks ago, my mama stunned me, and because I hadn’t been talking to anyone, I still didn’t know how she found me. The thought of that made me want to finally find out. I sent a group text to my siblings.
