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It hits me, hard and vicious, like a wound. I shove my hands in my pockets.
Jessi nods yes, and Lewis flies towards her. The two come together, and he spins her, their laughter audible even from outside. They kiss, and when I realize my vision is blurry, it’s too late. My tears are there.
I have been such a fool. I want her, I want her, I want her—I wantthat.I want a life with her.
I want her, and if I had been different—better at communicating, younger, kinder, maybe…
I look away quickly, trying to get away before Laura or the kids realize how emotional it made me.
Jessi calls for the kids, and they run out. I can hear their excitement. In just a few moments, I’ll need to go out there, too, or else they’ll come in, and I’ll need to put all of this behind me—all of this pain, this regret, this torturouswant.
When I get myself back under control, I look over at Laura.
She’s already looking at me.
Her eyes are rimmed red and wide. Her lips are pink and wet. Her expression is blank, but I can read her anyway.
The hurt on her face is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
“Guess it’s time,” she murmurs. Laura tucks her fire red hair behind her ears, and she takes a deep breath. I watch as she inhales, sharp and steadying.
I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s something I’m supposed to be remembering, but it’s just too far off.
“Guess it is,” I agree.
Our eyes lock.
Then, purposefully… Slow and deliberately… Laura turns away.
And I let her.
CHAPTER 29
Laura
The cold air feels good on my face. I focus on it, letting the wind whip my hair around, even though I know it’ll cause tangles and difficulty later.
My big brother is engaged.
I’m happy for him. I know that when he tells Mom, she’ll have a field day—there will be hooting and hollering and probably a lot of crying. My dad will also tear up, pretend he isn’t, and then excuse himself to go change the oil in Lewis’ car or something.
I should be thinking about how happy I am. Instead, though, I can’t stop thinking about myself. Will Lewis be relieved when David and I break up? Will we see each other at the wedding? What will Benji and Angie think, when they see me across whatever ludicrously lovely banquet hall the couple will rent out?
Will the wedding be soon, before they go to France? Will it be after, making it a destination wedding for most of us? That could be better if they want to keep it small—a fairly solid reason to ask me, politely, not to come for the sake of the kids.
I’d agree, though I’d hate it.
It’s selfish to be thinking about myself first. Whatever Lewis and Jessi decide, I’m not part of that family—not the way I’ve been letting them think I was, at least.
I walk the property of the cabin. Inside, it was modern and luxurious compared to the cabins I’m used to going to. Outside, though, I can see why my brother was reminded of our Grandma’s. The woods are dense and thick, the grounds covered in hills and walking paths. There’s a lake, too, though this one is farther away than the one I remember from Grandma’s. That’s good, though, because the kids are banned from going near it due to the melting ice.
The cold is starting to get to me, but I ignore it. I go back to the main cabin. The kitchen windows—where I had watched Lewis and Jessi get engaged—are beaming with warm gold light. I look in, watching their heads appear and disappear. It looks like David is talking to Benji.
I watch them, holding myself around my waist.
For a brief moment, I can’t wait for them to be gone. Once they’re in France, maybe I’ll be able to breathe again.
The thought is immediately replaced with another:of course, I won’t be able to breathe again. He’ll be gone.
