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She pulled back with both his hands still holding her. “You’re definitely drunk.”
Fionn smiled with one side of his mouth taking dominance. “I’m not, Áine. I’m trying to tell you how I feel. I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry for what I did. I panicked, alright.”
She maintained her pull. “And now you’re not panicking?”
“No. Now I’m not. Because when I’m with you I’m my whole self. I can’t say that for anyone else in this world. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for months.”
With the hum of shock and alcohol clearly lowering his inhibitions, Áine told him something she’d wanted to for the longest time, “Did you know I kind of live in my own head because the world is a bit too much for me,” she’d told him. “And you . . . sometimes you manage to visit me in there, make me feel less alone for a while.”
He pressed his lips to hers again, and not to be foolish she pressed her own back. Pressed them onto his warmth. Into his breaths and the what-ifs of the after. Each kiss was firmer and more audible, and Áine didn’t feel weak or grateful he’d chosen to give her this, she just felt wanted.
“I like you so much,” he whispered between kisses. “So much.”
Áine pressed her lips harder in case she did something foolish like tell him she loved him when she wasn’t sure of that at all.
Running his hands down her body, he grabbed two handfuls of her bottom. It pulled her higher and forced a moan to escape right into his mouth. Laughing despite herself, she pulled away to pat her reddening cheeks.
“Sorry. I think I’m nervous.”
“You’re grand, don’t be,” he reassured her.
A bottle rattled in the distance someone had kicked on their way out of the Kebab shop at the end of the road.
“Well, I can’t say I was expecting that when asking you out here,” he managed as he checked both sides of the road to make sure they were still alone.
She mimicked him to confirm the road was clear. That he was safe of being caught kissing her.
And then, like a switch, something came over Áine. Maybe it was the drink or the gravity of the world shifting, but the ground felt warped beneath her feet.
“Oh my God,” she whispered to herself as she rested a hand on the wall.
Would he have kissed her if they were inside the pub? She wondered. Where people could see them?
Even though the answer was so clear it had no edges or boundaries, she had to hear him admit it, like she had to know the answer to everything in life. “What’s changed though?” Her head inquisitively tilted.
“How do you mean?” His attention was back on her now, smile fractionally fading.
Áine refolded her arms. “Well, the last time we were alone together I think you made it pretty obvious where you stood. So why are you kissing me tonight? Is it because I’m not fucking pandering to you?”
Fionn’s body recoiled like she’d punched him clean in the jaw. “Whoa, Jesus Christ! I didn’t really—I don’t know what to say, Áine. I just wanted to kiss you, alright? What, have you not kissed someone on a night out before?”
Her cheeks burned bright. “No. I think you know that. The same way I think you knew I’d never done anything like what happened that day in your kitchen. It doesn’t matter now anyway, because I don’t even think you even mean what you’re saying.”
“Oh.”
His one-worded response sucked her from another of her warbled fantasies. She chewed on her thumb as she thought about theOne Born Every Minuteepisode she’d watched the day before with her mam. She wished when looking over at her in the corner recliner that tears had colour based on what they meant: happy tears. Sad tears. Angry tears. Yellow. Blue. Red.
“Did you know women can’t really remember childbirth after it happens,” she said. “It’s as if our brains force us into forgetting so that we aren’t warned off having more children. God, I can’t believe I’m saying this—” she compressed her hands against her temples. “I think I need to forget you and the pain of you, of not having you, and not being good enough for you.” Her back met the wall to give her strength to stay upright. “So that I can be willing for other people, you know. Maybe this was necessary before we go off to college—ifwe go to college—because let’s be real here, your reaction there whether it was intended or not was just so unnecessarily hostile. And I know I’m nothing special. I’ve always known that. But I’d at least like to feel that I could be to someone someday. That someone could slowly convince me with their love that I’m special, even just to them.”
“Oh,” he said again, hands stuffed into his pockets to seal his inability to fight at the chance of being that person.
Áine’s adoration for Fionn was an emotion she was sure now could be replicated. That she wasn’t naive enough to think her first crush was her final love, when she hadn’t even had the chance to explore love with women.
“Look. I’ll be off. I need to get a taxi home before it gets busy anyway,” she said.
He followed. “Let me walk you up to the taxi rank.”
“You’re good to offer but no, it’s only up the road.”
