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Feeling the sudden and agreeable press of her lips too, a deep inhale came through his nose for how right this felt. Kisses shared with other people weren’t like this. They were physical and yet immobile. This kiss, in turn, made him feeleverything. Feel his insecurities, and love, and potential. It made him feel whole. It compensated for all the pain life had tossed at him. “I like you so much, Áine.” He kissed her again. “So much.”
She clutched the back of his neck with both hands, a silent beg for more. In return and overcome by the urge to see her naked, Fionn dropped his hands to Áine’s bottom to clench it.
Laughing, she pulled away.
He worried he’d overstepped and cupped the back of his head.
“Sorry, I think I’m nervous,” she said.
He checked to see if he could steal another kiss from her before some drunken fool came along and ruined what mighthave been the best moment of his life. No, it was—itwasthe best moment of his life.
She stared down the road where he was just looking before asking, “What’s changed though?”
“How do you mean?” A sudden shift in her was apparent and made her stance boxy.
“The last time we were together you made it pretty obvious where you stood. So why are you kissing me? Is it because I’m not fucking pandering to you?”
The external form of Fionn he never liked prevailed, the one who put pride before everything, “Jesus Christ, Áine. I didn’t really—”I’m an arsehole. I should tell her that I’m an arsehole. That I’m broken.“I don’t know what to say, Áine. I just wanted to kiss you. What, have you not kissed someone on a night out before?”
“No. And I think you know that. The same way I think you knew I’d never done anything like what happened in your kitchen. Not that any of it matters now anyway.”
“Oh.” His bones felt lacerated with regret.
While Áine rattled into an unwavering speech, there was one line that stood out for how painful it was coming from her specific mouth, “I think I need to forget you.”
“Oh,” he managed again, collecting himself as the exact person he considered in the church not three hours before; pathetically alone. It was all too late, she’d figured out how useless he was, and no college degree or declaration was enough now. The urge to cry really did come then, coating his eyes and building pressure in his nose, so sudden he had to dip his head to clench it.
“Look. I’ll be off,” she said, fixing her bag over her shoulder.
Despite his sadness, which he knew was embarrassingly blatant, he didn’t want to run off like he did any other time this happened. Overcome by the fear he might not ever see her again,he chose to risk his pride to keep her company, even for just another minute longer. To keep one good thing intact.
“Let me walk you up to the taxi rank,” he said, already walking in that direction.
“No,” was all he heard.
A warranted rejection.
Tell her you’re a fool. Tell her you’re sorry. Tell her she’s the best thing to ever happen to you.
“Come back, Áine, please!” Fionn strained through tears he couldn’t contain. “Please,” he said quieter. “I love you.”
But she didn’t come back, and something told him she never would.
Overcome by the rage he could never quite control, his hand slapped the fermenting pint on the windowsill to smear it across the wall. The glass smashed against the cobblestones, a lengthy journey down the road as he wrung his hands that ached for more release.
The finality was haunting.
She’ll forget me. It’s best I do the same.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Dublin 2016
Áine
As streetlight spanned the meandering veins on Áine’s breasts, and the simmered sexual tension had now deflated both their desires and the only flesh hidden on Fionn’s body to something pliably soft, it became apparent, to her at least, what inevitable departure had crept up on them:
The impasse had silently arrived; a thief in the night to their bliss.
