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The cold stark bluntness struck me full in the chest. I thought I’d be ready for them. I thought I could withstand the barrage. I thought I was ready for whatever he had to throw at me, but I couldn’t stand this.
He turned away from me and faced the mantelpiece. I’d been dismissed. He wanted me to leave and never come back.
I moved to step away, to head upstairs and pack my things, but I couldn’t move. I stood still, unsure of where to go or what to do.
My mouth moved to speak but no words came out. My emotions ran high, then dry. One moment I was angry, the next disappointed. Then I was glad I’d told the truth. Regret featured heavily. I feared I might carry it for the rest of my life.
I backed away, hustled out of the room, and ran up the stairs. A handful of servants greeted me with warm smiles and open arms.
“Sorry,” I said. “I need to… My room… Sorry.”
I ran past them, got to my room, and slammed the door shut behind me. I turned the lock, not wishing to be disturbed. I dug out my fancy S’mauggai bag and stuffed it with clothes. The world turned blurry and finally, unable to see what I was even putting in my bag, I stopped and let the tears cascade. I grabbed the bag and hurled it across the room.
I ran my hands through my hair. I gripped it in my fists and screamed.
I sank to the floor and sobbed.
I packed the rest of my meager possessions and took a long shower. I kept turning it off to listen to the door. I thought I heard someone knocking. No one did. I hoped it would be Traes coming to give me a second chance.
But he never did.
When I emerged from my room, the hallways were empty.
I went to Cleb’s door and listened intently. If Traes was inside, I didn’t want to be there. After about five minutes, I determined he wasn’t inside and entered.
Cleb was still in bed, recovering from the adventure the night before. Someone had washed and dressed him in fresh pajamas. He was in a deep sleep.
It was probably a good thing he was asleep. I didn’t think I could face whatever emotions he would throw my way.
I sat on the edge of his bed and gently ran my fingertips through his hair the way he liked. He mumbled something in his sleep, turned to face me, and fell into an even deeper sleep.
It hurt that I would never see him again, never hold him or brush his hair like this.
Who could I blame but myself? There was no one else. It was my fault. If I could have gone back, if I could have told the truth from the start…
Or even revealed my backstory when Asshole turned up in town. If I’d come clean, he would have forgiven me. I was sure of it.
But I hadn’t.
Instead, I’d allowed the lies to fester and grow, ruining the relationship I had with Traes and now, Cleb.
I had lost them both.
“I’m… going away for a while,” I said to Cleb’s sleeping form. “I want you to knuckle down and work hard. Do you hear me? You’re very smart. And remember, being a spy takes lots of hard work.”
I couldn’t stop the tears. I let them come. I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.
His spy figurines sat on his bedside table. The figurines that had saved both our lives.
A shame they couldn’t save our future too.
I picked one up. It was the little boy spy with a jet pack on his back. If I looked closely enough, it resembled Cleb. I hoped he wouldn’t mind if I took it. I tucked it in my bag.
I would keep him with me always.
I went into the bathroom to touch up my makeup and undo the damage my tears had done.
I moved to the door and, before stepping out, glanced back at that tiny figure in the huge bed. He looked even smaller now I was leaving him.
