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Jeremy was a terrific athlete in high school. There’d even been talk of him going pro. It was a thing back then for boys to let their girlfriends wear their jerseys after homecoming. I’d always wanted to be that girl, but since our relationship was a secret, I never had been.
“There,” he’d whispered earlier when he’d slipped it over my head.
The gesture had touched me deeply, and I felt myself melting a little more towards the man I knew but didn’t. At some point, I’d have to make things clear about this weekend. This was a oneoff. A onetime thing. I didn’t fit into his world, and he didn’t fit into mine.
“Mind if I turn on the radio?” he asked, bringing the bowl of grated carrots over to me.
“Um, sure. It’s over there,” I said, but he seemed to know where it was.
“I visited after college, but you were never here,” he told me, and I thought I heard something accusatory in his voice.
“Oh, I stayed in the city, working,” I mumbled, not understanding why I needed to explain myself all of a sudden.
He frowned, watching me as I mixed the dry ingredients first, then the wet. The muffin batter looked great. Thick and fragrant, I added currants, walnuts, and the shredded carrots last. As I scooped the mixture into the paper-lined muffin pan, I gnawed on my lower lip.
The air felt charged, and I didn’t know what I’d done wrong or why I felt guilty suddenly. Bing Crosby crooned about white Christmases as I opened the oven and slid the tin inside, setting the time for nineteen minutes. I felt Jeremy’s fingers touch the small of my back, and I closed my eyes as he pulled me into him, swaying me gently to the music.
“This is good between us, Rena,” he whispered, but I was already shaking my head. “You can’t deny what we have,” he repeated.
“This isn’t real. This is just a made up weekend,” I told him, taking the coward’s way out. “Let’s just enjoy it, okay? We’ll spend Christmas together. Then you will go back to your life, and I will go back to mine,” I replied, ignoring the tears pricking my eyes.
But I’d forgotten how relentless Jeremy could be. He spun me around, one arm wrapped round my waist, the other holding my hand against his chest. I could feel his heart beating beneath the t-shirt he wore.
“Nothing has ever felt as real as this. I don’t want to go back to my life without you, Rena,” he said, leaning down to kiss me.
I turned my head at the last minute, pushing against the wall that was his chest. He released me and I stepped back, trying hard not to freak out. I wiped my cheeks hurriedly, putting away the ingredients I used for the recipe. The entire kitchen smelled like cinnamon and carrot muffins. They reminded me of Christmas in a way nothing else could, and for one tiny speck of time, I allowed myself a fantasy.
I saw me and Jeremy baking muffins on Christmas morning. Snow was falling outside the picture window, and the sounds of children giggling inside and carols playing loudly while a dog yapped at our feet and Jeremy spun me around and held me close, dancing and kissing me just like he did before.
But that wasn’t real. Jeremy and I were just worlds apart.
“Why won’t you give this a chance?” he asked.
I ran once, but I didn’t think it was fair for me to run again. Not from this question. This one I could at least answer.
“The last time I took a chance on the golden boy next door, the one I knew was too good for me, I wound up kicked to the curb, shamed and embarrassed,” I confessed.
“What?” he asked, looking confused.
“You left. No word. No nothing. You just left!”
“I didn’t. You sent me a letter saying you never wanted to see me again,” he blurted, and my heart stopped right before the anger took over.
“I never wrote a letter!”
“My mother gave me—fuck, mymothergave me a letter supposedly from you,Rena, saying you never wanted to see me again. I was a kid. I was heartbroken,” he growled.
“Don’t even try that, Jeremy. You are not the wronged party here. I gave you my heart, my virginity, and you walked awayand went on with your life, but it wasn’t so easy for me. I was stuck here, damn you!” I yelled and faced him.
His eyes glittered dangerously, the blue so clear they were like glass, but I was not backing down. He was a boy then, but he was a man now. I was not going to let one of the mighty Kents break me ever again.
“Your mother let everyone know I was just a little whore trying to sleep her way into your life to get to your money. I was laughed at by kids at school. I had no friends for the rest of Junior year. Then, I had to go to Catholic school senior year because the bullying got so bad and I couldn’t take it.”
“I didn’t know,” he tried, but I was on a roll.
“Gramps’ priest helped me with a scholarship, but your mother was relentless. My grandparents were embarrassed in town and at Church. And you know what? That wasn’t the worst of it. You broke my heart, Jeremy. I would have to be a fucking sadist to let you near it again,” I finished, and turned to leave.
Jeremy’s hand closed around my arm, and he spun me around so fast, I almost slid on the flour I’d accidentally spilled on the terracotta tiled floor. He steadied me, not letting go as he backed me into the butcher block.
