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“Thanks, but I’m going to stay here. Maybe I’ll go to the gym. Work off some of this anger.”
“If you change your mind, just come over. I’ll be home.”
“Okay, thanks. Hey, why was Troy at Tara’s place? He never comes up here. She said he’d never even been to her apartment.”
“He got his car fixed and wanted to take it for a drive. I’m guessing that’s why he was there.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to you later.” I end the call and keep walking, not sure where I’m going.
I feel lost, like nothing makes sense. I was sure Tara was it for me. I’d never felt that type of connection with a girl. When I was with her, I felt like she really did love me. The way she looked at me. The way she touched me. It all felt like love. But it wasn’t. She was just pretending. It was all a lie.
24
JAKE
It’s Saturday,almost noon, and I’m still in bed. Rob left hours ago to tailgate and go to the football game. Everyone else must’ve left too because I don’t hear a sound. I’ve been trying to sleep, but can’t. I was up all night, thinking about where I went wrong. How could I be this stupid to have this happen to me twice? First with Haley, now with Tara. I gave my heart to two girls who said they loved me but lied. After going through this with Haley, how did I not see it with Tara? How did I not realize that she was just telling me what I wanted to hear?
She wouldn’t break up with Troy. She kept putting it off. That should’ve been my clue that she was never going to end it with him. It was more than a clue. It was a giant neon sign, but I didn’t see it. Or I ignored it because I didn’twantto see it.
A text alert goes off on my phone. I grab it, hoping the text is from Tara, but it’s from Dean, asking what I’m doing today. I text him back that I’m at the game. I tell him it starts at noon and that I’m going to a party later with Rob and won’t be checking my phone. It’s easier to lie to him than tell him what’s really going on. I’ll tell him eventually, but not now. I need to work through this in my head before I tell anyone about it. I still can’tbelieve it happened. That’s why I keep checking my phone to see if Tara sent me a text.
If we were still together, I’d be going to see her when she gets off work and spending the night at her place. And tomorrow, I’d take her to get a pumpkin and pick apples. She loves fall and never did that stuff as a kid. I didn’t either, so I thought it’d be fun if we did it together. I already looked up where to go and found a place a few miles from here. They make you pay just to go there, plus the cost of the pumpkin and apples, but I knew it’d make Tara happy so I was willing to spend what little money I have. My savings from last summer is running out. I need to get a job. I’ve been putting it off so I could spend time with Tara, but now that she’s back with Troy, I need to find a job.
My phone dings again with a text. It’s from Dean, telling me to have fun at the game. Then he sends a photo of him and Brook. They look really happy, which makes me angry. Why do they get to be happy and I don’t? Why did Dean get a girl who loves him and I keep getting girls who are just pretending to love me? Is this going to keep happening? Am I going to keep falling for the wrong girls?
This time feels even worse than when Haley broke up with me. I think it’s because being with Tara felt more like a real adult relationship. With Haley, I felt like a teenager pretending to be an adult. We talked a lot, but never about anything serious. When I tried to open up to her about what I went through as a kid, she said she didn’t want to hear it because it made her sad. So our conversations were mostly about people at school or what we wanted to do that weekend. Because of that, we never got very close, but I did feel like I loved her. It was just a different type of love than I had, or have, for Tara. I still love her. It’s only been a day. I can’t stop loving her after a day.
I open the photo app on my phone and swipe through the pictures. They’re almost all of Tara or the two of us together.As I’m looking at a photo of her smiling at me, I realize that she didn’t actually say it was over between us. What if it’s not? What if something happened when she went to see Troy and she wasn’t able to break up with him? But then why would she spend the night with him? That doesn’t make sense.
I need to talk to her. I’m not going to accept that we’re over until she tells me to my face. I need to hear her say the words and look me in the eye before I can accept that she doesn’t want to see me again.
Dragging myself out of bed, I take a shower and get dressed. I’m not going to tell Tara I’m coming. I’m just going to show up there and see if she’ll talk to me. At least I know Troy won’t be there. Sean texted that Troy’s watching football with him today.
When I get to Tara’s building, I go in the main entrance and hit the button for her apartment. Usually, she knows I’m coming and is waiting at the side door to let me in. It feels strange having to hit the buzzer and wait for a response.
I hear Tara’s voice through the speaker. “Who is it?”
“Jake. Can I come up?”
She doesn’t answer. And the buzzer doesn’t sound to let me in.
“Tara? You still there?”
“I’ll be down in a minute.”
She won’t let me upstairs. She doesn’t want me in her apartment. How did it come to this? Just a week ago, I was in her kitchen, making us dinner. I was fixing the lamp by the couch that kept flickering on and off. I was in her bedroom, spending the night with her. And now I’m not even allowed upstairs.
I watch through the glass door as she comes out of the elevator. My heart races, seeing her again. It reacts like that every time I see her, like it’s telling me she’s the one. My heart doesn’t know shit. I’ll never trust it again.
Tara comes through the door, joining me in the small area between the lobby and the entrance.
“Let’s go outside,” she says, going past me. She didn’t even say hello.
I don’t know why I bothered to come here. It’s clearly over between us. But now that I’m here, I want an explanation. I want to know why she did this. Why she chose Troy over me.
Tara walks down the sidewalk until we’re several feet from the door. She turns to face me, her arms crossed. “Why are you here, Jake?”
“Why do you think?” I say, annoyed that she even has to ask. “You said you were breaking up with Troy and then I find him here at your apartment, putting his arm around you.”
