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She placed a hand on his knee. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m just as insecure as the next person. I’ve just learned how to manage it better.”
Lucas didn’t know what to say. He sure felt dumb for even bringing it up.
She leaned back, her sandwich placed aside as she stared out at the property. “When I was younger, I let my insecurities rule me. I cared far too much what other people thought.”
“Isn’t that how it is, though? We’re shaped by those around us.”
Ella shook her head. “It’s more than that. It’s not just those around us. It’s the whole world now. A hundred years ago, we didn’t have television, the internet, or social media. People didn’t have the reach they do today. Society couldn’t dig their fingers into humanity with the reach they’re capable of now. Sure, there were certain expectations, but the sheer number ofpeople who would dare put someone down to their face was so much lower. We’re shaped by others, yes, but it’s not just our community. We’re expected to follow the norms of an entire world. If it was hard to please everyone before all this, then it’s an impossibility now—and yet something people will kill themselves to accomplish anyway.”
He'd never thought about it that way. The expectations had only gotten worse with each passing decade.
“To answer your question, though, I had to put all of that out of my mind. It took a lot of work to get past that and be okay with who I was. When I moved away after high school, I found a community of people who could accept me for who I was.” She eyed him. “It’s a lot easier to do that when the people are more mature, and they didn’t grow up with you.”
He thought back to what she’d said about their teen years, and out of nowhere, it was like he’d been hit over the head with a baseball bat made out of tangible guilt. He hadn’t exactly been the accepting sort. He might not have been the one to bully her, but he didn’t stick up for her either.
“Anyway,” she continued, “like I said, I have good days and bad days.” She smiled at him. “You’ve been privy to some of both. I guess we’ve both managed to surprise the other, huh?”
“I guess so.” He swallowed another bite and then inched a little closer to her. “For the record, I don’t think you have anything to be insecure about. You’re smart, talented, and beautiful.”
The way she stared at him made him wonder if he’d said something wrong. He was a master at giving compliments, so telling her how he felt about her just slipped out. Was it too forward? Lucas turned away from her and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
He shrugged. “It’s just a feeling I have. I need to apologize to you. For the way things went when we were younger. For the way I messed up our date. For all of it.”
“As far as I’m concerned, the only thing you have to apologize for is getting us stuck in that barn.”
His head snapped up and he chuckled. “Next time I’ll just let the wind come whipping through and mess up the clutter you have on that table.”
She gasped. “It’s not clutter. It’s organized just like any toolbox might be.”
They both laughed at that. The tools they had been working with in that barn were far from organized. No one seemed interested in putting things back where they got them, but to be fair, most of the guys were volunteering or getting paid the minimum.
For a few minutes, they sat in a comfortable silence. Lucas got lost in thought about the difference between Ella and the other girls of his past. While the others either wanted something from him or wanted to impress him, Ella seemed content to just spend time with him. He couldn’t figure out why the tables had turned like this. He wanted her to look at him as a smart, capable person who was worthy of her attention.
“You know,” he mumbled, “I think you’re right.”
“What about?”
“About insecurities.”
She stared at him, and the weight of what he was about to say pressed in on him so much he started to second guess whether or not he really wanted to say what he was thinking. A sigh burst from his chest, and he squirmed beneath her gaze.
“Growing up, our family wasn’t exactly accepted either. I don’t know if you ever heard… but the folks in town thought my parents were irresponsible. People would drop off bags of second-hand clothes and food.”
She looked away, making him realize something. Her father would have been someone in the community to participate in that sort of service. Ella had to be fully aware of the charity his family received. As much as he wanted to ignore it, he couldn’t, and it made him feel even less of a man.
Lucas turned from her so he didn’t have to see the pity in her eyes he just knew would be there. “It was something I worked really hard to make my peers forget. At school, I could be someone else. I wasn’t one of the Keagan kids who needed help. I was just Lucas.”
“I was a little surprised that Taven the bully didn’t comment about it,” she said quietly.
“Oh, he knew better. I got in my fair share of fights when I was in elementary school. People knew that subject wasn’t okay.” His skin crawled with the memories. His upbringing was probably one of the reasons he had chosen not to participate with Taven when he made fun of others. Too bad he hadn’t been brave enough to stand up to him.
Ella had grown far too quiet, drawing his attention.
Lucas continued, “I have my share of insecurities, and I guess I’ve learned how to manage them, too. Only now, the thing that caused them isn’t around anymore.”
“You mean your folks?”
