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And for the fourth time that night, he just snorted and ignored my comment.
It was quite the little game we were playing. One where I tried to tell him that I didn’t expect anything like this evening ever again, and where he treated my comments like clay pigeons he could shoot out of the sky.
I’d done it while we wandered through the stacks (and kissed behind several) on our way to dinner.
I’d done it again when Xavier had led me to the library’s terrace, where a chef from one of his restaurants had prepared a four-course dinner.
I’d done it again when he took me on a walk through Hyde Park at night to walk off the four-course meal.
And now we were here, standing outside his beautiful building under the twinkling lights of the summer-lit city. I was loving every moment of it. But I wanted him to know too—I didn’tneedit.
Xavier joined me on the curb as Ben drove away. Though the street was far from empty, there was still no sign of the press. I expected it was difficult for someone of Xavier’s size to avoid them, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as Jagger had led me to believe.
“One day,” he said as he pulled me to face him, “I’m going to teach you to think far beyond ‘necessary,’ Ces. I’m going to teach you to dream.”
I blinked. I wanted to tell him that everything I had ever dreamed of was right here in this city. Delicious food. Every treasure in the English language. A man who seemed to love me. Our daughter asleep in a glass palace in the sky.
Xavier crouched down, and for a moment, I lost my breath. Was he? No, he wasn’t. Down on one knee, though.
He looked up at me, blue eyes winking in the night air, and for a moment, I saw a dream I didn’t even know I had playing out right in front of me. His mouth was going to open, and he would smile, and then he was going to ask the question I’d unconsciously dreamed of since I’d met him that night in a bar all those years ago.
Four simple words.
Will. You. Marry. Me?
Oh, God.
I—
“Just have to tie my shoe,” he said, then made quick work and stood back up.
I shook my head and shook the heady vision away. Lord, what was wrong with me? Wasn’t this night enough? Weren’t those dreams of books and love and family enough?
Why couldn’t I accept them, then?
And did I even deserve them at all?
Xavier watched, as if he could see the conflict written on my face. Then his gaze drifted to my lips. And stayed there.
Kiss me,I thought.Do it now.
Instead, he took my hand and led me through the lobby to the elevator with a gruff nod at the concierge. It wasn’t until it started moving that I spoke again.
“Why didn’t you kiss me?”
He frowned. “What?”
“Outside, just now. I thought you might—” I took a deep breath. I almost said “propose.” Lord, what was wrong with me? “I thought you might kiss me. But you didn’t. You didn’t at the airport, either.”
“Why didn’t I…” The surprise on Xavier’s face had me mentally kicking myself by the time the question exited my lips, loosened as they were by a bottle of excellent French wine.
I didn’t retract it, though. Hadn’t even realized it had been bothering me all day, like sleeping on a tiny rock—it seemed insignificant at first but bothered me more and more as time went on.
“You hugged Sofia. But I—”
I dropped my head, unable to continue. I could hear myself. I felt foolish, being jealous of my own daughter. I didn’t ever want Xavier to feel like he had to choose between us—no parent should. But regardless, despite those lovely things he had said to me nearly two months ago now, I still wasn’t sure if he loved me because I was her mother…or if he loved me for myself, this beautiful evening notwithstanding.
Sometimes actionsdon’tactually speak louder than words.
