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“So, Adam,” I said. “That was a surprise.”
Xavier scoffed. “That he’s in love with you? Not really. He tracked you like a hound all summer.”
“I wasn’t talking about that.” I tipped my head. “More the fact that you didn’t threaten to punch his teeth in, like he said. Or make an actual attempt to strangle the guy.”
Another ironic snort. “Well, I was tempted.” He took a long sip of his drink. “But I’ve been working on it, you know. Trying to remember the main reason why I don’t need to toss wankers like him into the river just for looking at you wrong.”
I tensed, gripping my blanket closer. “And why is that?”
He looked over to me, and there was a shocking gentleness in his eyes I’d never seen before.
“Because I trust you, Ces,” he said simply.
“I—oh.”
“I know,” he continued carefully. “That if we were together, you wouldn’t do anything like that. But since we aren’t, I also know that you don’t suffer fools. If someone’s in your life, it’s for a good reason. If you were talking to him, it was because you needed to. I don’t need to question what you do if it’s what you want.”
I was…stunned. Flabbergasted, to say the least. Whatever I’d been expecting him to say, it wasn’t this. Just when I’d been doubting any kind of growth whatsoever, here was Xavier acting more mature than most humans on the planet could manage and about someone he genuinely could not stand.
“So, is he?” he finally asked a few minutes later.
I looked up from where I’d been staring at my hands. “Is who what?”
“Adam Klein.” He couldn’tquitekeep the derision out of his tone, but he was trying hard. “Is he…what you’d want?”
We eyed each other through the crisp night air. Xavier’s gaze sparkled like the stars hidden by the city’s corona of light. Just like this man’s smile, you know they were there, even if you couldn’t always see them.
“No,” I admitted softly.
The blue in Xavier’s eyes glimmered with something I doubt he would have even wanted to name as hope. “Then…what…who do you want?”
I gulped. My tongue felt like it was about three times bigger than normal. Unable to keep eye contact, I looked out at the darkened yard, then back at my hands, which were toying with the edges of the blanket.
Who did I want?
What did I want?
I’d been thinking of little else for months now, but every time I came up with an answer, it felt like the one I wasn’t supposed to have.
Until tonight. Until now.
“I want my life in New York,” I told him honestly. “Close to my friends and family. People who offer me safety and solace for Sofia and me when we need it.”
Xavier nodded. “Sounds reasonable.”
“I want to go back to school and become a professor,” I continued. “I want to write my dissertation on those journals. I want to have a job I actually love. I want my kids to have a mother they respect, who can teach them what it means to persevere and not give up on their dreams.”
Xavier watched me intensely. “I think that’s fucking great. I think you should do it all. Our children are already lucky to have you as a mum, Ces. They’ll be lucky to watch you grow, too.”
I swallowed again, looking away as tears pricked my eyes. Why was this so hard?
I knewexactlywhy this was so hard. Because there was another truth roiling in my gut. One that had been nipping at my tongue most of the evening, thrashing to be said since the moment Xavier had chosen to walk away from the door instead of giving in to his demons.
Perhaps it was time to give up the ghost. To stop fighting the inevitability of the two of us. I had my pride, and I had my standards, but I also had needs, and none of them ever seemed to be as desperate as what I felt for him.
And if he could change, maybe I could too.
Maybe that change could start now.
