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My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I looked everywhere but at him, as if literally anything else in the room could give me some inkling of what in the world was going on here. My shoes, the ugly painting on the other side of the wall, Sofia’s doll on the couch, my slightly swollen belly.
My hand rested atop the tiny bump, barely even visibly under my shirt, tight as it was. Nothing moved there—not yet—but oh, God, my heart ached.
“But you had me,” I said. “Xavi, you had me more than once. And both times, you tossed me aside like I didn’t matter. Like I meant little more to you than…than one of those dolls over there. And up there, I told you I still wanted you. And you—you walked away.”
I couldn’t help the tears that started when I said it all out loud. Like everyone else in this life I’d loved, he had left right when I’d said what mattered most.
“You say you want me again, but do you mean it? Honestly, I’ve been wondering if you ever did at all.”
I jerked my head up. “What the hell? How could you possibly think that?”
“I’m serious,” Xavier said with a face that matched his iron tone. “You’ve said it too, and thenyouleft, Ces. You ran away, left me among the wolves, took away my daughter, broke my fucking heart in ways you can’t understand.”
“Ican’t understand? Of course I understand. Xavi, my heart was broken before I ever got on that plane because you broke it every time you weren’t there for us! You left me to those exact wolves more times than I can count! Could you really blame me for leaving? For taking our daughter back to where I knew she and I could both be safe?”
“No.” Xavier closed his eyes and appeared to take several deep breaths before he spoke again. “I can’t. But Francesca…”
“Say it.” My voice was cracking with the effort not to break completely. “If you don’t want me like that anymore, just say it.”
When his eyes finally opened again, their fathomless blue sparked through the dark room. “Don’t fuck with me, Ces. Don’t you dare fuck with me.”
“I’mnot,” I croaked. “I wouldn’t. If anything, I’m down here laying my heart on the table for you. What do you want me to do, Xavi? Do I need to get down on my knees? Do you need to know that all I have dreamed of for the last six years is that we could be a real family? That I’d be more than just the girl you knocked up—more than once, I might add? I wanted to be your wife, your partner, someone you actually trust, someone you’d think of as your equal…”
I trailed off as I finally said the things out loud I’d only barely allowed myself to imagine in the years past. By the time I was done, I was crying so hard I couldn’t see clearly. I stumbled around and fell into the couch with my face in my hands. Xavier waited a moment, then quickly crossed the room and knelt in front of me, though he didn’t touch me. Didn’t offer any more comfort than just his nearness.
So close, and yet so far away.
It nearly killed me.
“I know I’m nothing special in the grand scheme of things,” I managed in stuttering breaths through chest-wracking sobs. “I never have been. And I don’t expect to be. But I never thought it was too much to ask to be special to one person, at least.” Tears fell, two silent streams through my fingers. “I guess I was wrong.”
“Ces.”
The tenderness in his voice almost broke me as he gathered me into his chest and started to stroke my hair, cupping my head with his big hand and rocking me side to side.
Cradled by his warmth, his strength, and the solid wall of him, I was eventually able to calm. Soothed by his scent of fire, soap, and just a hint of spice from cooking, my heart slowed. My tears subsided to a mere trickle. My breath evened. Much as he had hurt me, there was still no safer place in the world to me than right here in his arms.
“Can I say something now?” His deep voice was a caress as gentle as the hand stroking my hair.
I inhaled deeply, then finally sat up with him, swiping a few more tears from my eyes. “I—all right.”
Xavier reached out to dab the last tear with a broad thumb. “It will never cease to astound me that you see so little in yourself when all I see is utter fucking majesty.”
I gasped, almost coughed in surprise. “You see wha-what?”
Xavier took my hands between his, holding them between us. “I look at you, and I see the only person I have ever known who is strong enough to love with her heart and soul. I don’t see weakness, babe. I don’t see someone broken. I see someone who makes everyone around her whole.” He shook his head as if in disbelief. “It never occurred to me to fight for you because you always seemed too strong to need it.”
I took a deep breath. “Well, I do need it. Not every day. Not all the time. Everyone needs to be fought for on occasion.”
“I see that now. So strong to fight for others, but for yourself, why not?”
I sighed and looked away. “When everyone ignores you, treats you like you’re nothing special, maybe you start to believe it.”
“Who said that?”
I shrugged. “Everyone. No one.”
It was hard to explain. I hadn’t been called names growing up (aside from regular sibling squabbles). No one had explicitly said, “Here is Francesca, the wallflower no one cares about.”
