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"Yeah, but it's not really his business, is it?" I said, although the pit in my stomach was telling me otherwise. "It's my body, not his."
"Yeah, but it would have been his kid."
Jane shrugged and spread her long, thin arms out on the bench back behind us. She wore a massive pair of purple sunglasses, and leaned back to face the sunshine. "Real talk. If this were just some dude you were messing around with, or even worse, a piece of shit like Patrick, I'd say 'fuck, no' and 'good riddance.' It wouldn't matter because he wouldn't matter. But this is Brandon we're talking about." She turned to me. "He matters, right?"
I nodded, looking at the ducks on the water, some of them trailed by clusters of ducklings. "Of course he matters. He matters more than anyone."
"Well, then, you have to tell him," Jane said simply as she leaned back again.
I slouched in my seat and covered my face with my hands, then pushed them back into my hair. My braid was falling out, and I wound the loose hair around my fist and tugged meditatively.
"He might not forgive me for it," I said. It was the first time I had said it out loud, and even just the words made me feel like my body was iced over. It was petrifying.
"I've seen the way that man looks at you, Sky. He would forgive you for state treason."
"He'll think I did it to hurt him," I said, sitting up again.
"That's ridiculous. You weren't even talking to him at the time. How would something he wasn't going to know hurt him?"
I toed a loose rock on the ground. "You don't get it. Brandon...he wants kids. Like, a lot. Enough to stay married to someone like Miranda for years hoping they would conceive. It broke his heart that they couldn't have children. And if he knew what I did––"
"Stop." Jane put a gentle hand on my shoulder.
I looked at her with glassy eyes. I wasn't quite as cry-happy as a few weeks ago, but the tears were still always just below the surface, especially when I thought about hurting Brandon.
"You did what was best for you in that moment," she said, pushing up her glasses so I could see her face. I was touched; Jane couldn't see anything without her prescriptions. "If he's the kind of man who expects you to sacrifice your entire life––and let's be real, it would have been your life that was sacrificed, not his. It would have been your body on the line if you'd stayed as sick as you were, your career you would have had to put on hold indefinitely, not to mention the whole process of actually having the baby and healing from that." She shuddered. "Two words, my friend: vaginal tearing. If that doesn't put the fear of God in you, I don't know what will."
Apparently living with her OBGYN cousin had enlightened Jane to some of the more visceral parts of giving birth.
"I would have managed," I said.
"Plus, he wasn't going to stop working at his big job to stay home with a baby, and meanwhile, you would have had to jump out of the race before you even got started?" Jane wrapped her thin arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "You'll get your chance together now. A real one, where you can build the foundation I know you both need so badly. If––" she paused, looking meaningfully at me––"if you can stop being a chicken shit and just be up front with him."
I stared down at my hands, now clasped tightly in my lap. We were so close to his house, just across the park and a block north. I could do it now; walk up, ring his bell, and continue the catharsis we'd started last night. We could start anew, with total honesty.
A flash caught my eye: someone was taking a photo of their kids splashing in the water. I shook my head. No, I definitely couldn't just walk up to the house. Not with someone potentially watching. I couldn't lay this kind of burden on Brandon when he had so many other stresses with Miranda, and I wasn't going to force it on him just to alleviate my own guilt. It was my burden to bear until I knew he could handle it. Until I knew we both could, together.
"I'll tell him," I said finally. "When it's the right time, I will."
Jane pursed her lips. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but then thought better of it. Before she could formulate her reply, my phone buzzed in my purse. I pulled it out; there was a text from Brandon.
"Mr. Monopoly?" Jane asked, not even looking to see who it was. She flipped her shades back down to look out at the pond again.
I flipped through the text. "He wants to know if I'm free tonight."
Jane jerked her head at me. "Girl, you better not say yes."
I chuckled. "Of course not! My best friend is paying me a visit. I'm not about to bail on that."
I was rewarded by a very cat-who-ate-the-cream smile from Jane.
"As it should be," she said haughtily.
I tapped a quick reply to Brandon, letting him know I was busy. A second later, I received another text.
"He says to tell you he's going to crash the party," I said, somewhat annoyed. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
"Give me that," Jane said, snatching my phone out of my hand. "Someone needs a lesson in the laws of female friendship."
