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I stood there silently, unsure of what to say. I could feel his ambivalence in every one of our interactions. I understood what he was feeling because I felt it too. He was just trying to keep his heart pieced together. The heart I had smashed apart.
"We'll still have security," I said again, this time more quietly. "We'll be safe...and you can...move on with your life. If that's what you want."
I couldn't bear to look at him when I said the last words, couldn't bear to see if that was really what he wanted. My voice choked in my throat, and I sat back down on the bed to get my bearings. When he joined me, his heavy weight on the mattress caused me to tip into him again. Brandon balanced his elbows on his knees, rubbing his forehead with both hands. At long last, he sighed.
"Just give me the week," he said quietly. "I'll be back on Friday. We can figure everything out then, okay?"
I sat there a few more beats, letting the words sink in. It wasn't a denial that he wanted to move on, but it wasn't a confirmation either. So that was something.
I huffed. Brandon gave another smile that was more like a grimace, and we both broke down chuckling. He reached a hand out like he was going to touch my knee, but then pulled it back. I closed my eyes and inhaled. He was close enough that his sweet scent of almonds, soap, and metal was fresh and intoxicating.
I wondered if I'd ever smell it again.
"All right," I relented. "If it means that much to you, I'll stay."
~
