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It was embarrassing to be up here, to sing so awkwardly in a room full of strangers. I was never the type who liked having people's attention. I wasn't like either of my parents that way. I didn't seek the spotlight; I never wanted to be the center of attention. But I was willing to do this for Brandon. He spoke a language of large gestures, and worked so hard to scale them back for my sake. How many times had he tried to give me the world, only to have me shove it back in his face?
I didn't have the world to give him. But I had myself. I had my dignity. I had my comfort. I had my heart. So, I could do this for him. I could put myself out there, just like he had done for me, time and time again.
Slowly, without breaking eye contact, I pulled the mic down from the stand and stood up, moving with actions that didn't belong to my conscious mind. He was my sun, and I couldn't step out of his orbit if I tried. I was his, and if I should be so lucky, he would be mine.
"Brandon?" I whispered, but the mic amplified my voice through the still-silenced room.
He nodded, and mouthed "Skylar," although it was clear his words were stuck in his throat.
"I love you for the way you leave the fireplace on at night for visitors who might stop by unannounced. I love the way you get lost in science and numbers and leave your scratch papers all over your house. I love the way you've taken on my family like they were your own, protected us when you didn't have to."
My voice cracked as I put the mic back in its stand and took careful, wobbly steps off the stage toward Brandon. I didn't need the microphone anymore; the entire pub was a tomb. The crowd parted as I made my way to Brandon, ankles shaking, palm sweating. He must have seen my nerves on my face, considering the way everything showed there, but unlike other times, he did nothing to assuage them. He just listened.
"I love you because you're the kind of person who will send a woman flowers for six straight weeks to say you're sorry. I love you because you're the kind of man who will show up in the middle of the night just to walk a girl safely home. The kind of man who will rescue someone even when they've broken your heart."
I gulped again as I came to stand directly in front of him. Brandon tugged slightly at the collar of his shirt.
"You are everything to me," I said in a voice that shook, but I didn't look away. "And I know we've made mistakes. I know mine have been huge. But there's one thing I don't ever want you to doubt. I love you. I'm yours, body, mind, and soul."
Brandon took a deep breath, and before he could swipe it away, a lone tear fell down his ruddy cheek. The sight of it caused one to fall down mine as well.
And then slowly, I sank down to one knee in front of him. There were more than a few gasps around us, along with a few oh-my-Gods.
"Skylar," Brandon finally spoke, low and almost panicked. "What are you doing?"
But I had nothing to lose. This wasn't a way to live, in this strange limbo between us. I had to give him my whole heart or nothing. It was what he had always wanted from the start. Since I had met him, it had never really been mine anyway.
I was ready to let it go.
"Brandon," I said slowly as I looked up at him. "I swear, all I want to do is make you happy. I want to make you smile again. I want to make you laugh. I want to help you reach your dreams, whether it's the mayor's mansion, the White House, or the moon. And I will do anything––anything––to make you happy."
"Red––"
"I know you might not be ready for this. I know you might say no, and that's okay. But you deserve to know that I'm not going anywhere. If you want me, you have all of me. Always"
I took a deep breath. Brandon took a step forward.
"Red," he tried again, but I wasn't going to be stopped.
"Brandon, will you marry me?"
The loudest thing in the bar was now the ticking of the clock. There wasn't another sound––not a scrape of a chair, a clink of a glass. Not even anyone's breathing.
The seconds ticked by. Or were they minutes? But eventually, the silence broke down. I could hear the people behind me starting to whisper to each other as Brandon's silence extended on and on.
"That poor girl," I heard someone say.
"So sad," said someone else.
Summoning the last bit of strength I had, I stood up.
"I understand," I said, trying and failing to keep the shake out of my voice as tears flooded my vision. I stared at the beat-up floors. I couldn't look at him; I couldn't bear to see the pity I knew must be in his wide blue eyes.
I turned to leave, zigzagging through a crowd that parted easily. People murmured to each other. A few even reached out to pat me on the shoulders as I walked out. I barely noticed. I just needed to escape so I could crumple in privacy.
But before I reached the door, the deep voice that spoke to the inner recesses of my soul stopped me.
"Wait! Red!"
