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His mournful half smile made me want to wrap my arms around him and tell him he’d be all right; as an alternative, I crossed them around my waist as we continued to walk.
“You know I’ve already retained counsel,” he said. “Don’t worry. It’s not me.”
“Kieran.”
“And a few others. You actually saw them the night we met.”
“Why didn’t you hire someone from Sterling?” It was odd, really, that he wouldn’t keep his money in the firm.
“It would be like hiring your brother to be your sex therapist.”
I laughed, and Brandon chuckled with me.
“Plus, I needed someone I could trust, and that’s Kieran. Anyway, our family law department needs a little work.” Brandon gave me another sly look. “Actually, that was one reason I was hoping you’d come to us after the internship. But I guess we’ll have to settle for that fool from BC. He doesn’t have your legs, but he’ll be fairly merciless.”
I couldn’t help but smile a little. He really did track all the new hires. I looked away so he couldn’t see the flood of red rising up my throat. It didn’t matter. I’d already decided I wasn’t going to be a part of this.
“Something wrong?”
I sighed and stopped, looking out at the river. It was uncharacteristically warm for early May, and most of the trees on the waterfront were already a mix of blossom and bright green. New growth. New beginnings.
I walked onto the grass so we wouldn’t be in the way of oncoming runners and other people taking strolls by the river with their families. The soft grass gave slightly beneath my heels.
“I think it’s great that you’re trying to move on,” I said slowly.
“But?”
I took a deep breath. I could do this. I had to focus on the water and avoid the magnetic pull of those baby blues.
“But I think I need to focus on what’s important in my life right now,” I said, making sure each word was perfectly enunciated. I didn’t want any confusion. “That’s moving back to New York, passing the bar, and starting my new job.”
“And you don’t think I could help you with any of that?”
I could hear the smirk on his face rather than see it. Images of him helping me study for the bar naked popped into my head, and I cursed myself for enjoying the idea. And for being unable to keep the smile off my face.
I shook my head. We weren’t together anymore and weren’t ever going to be.
“No,” I blurted out. “I’m sorry, but no. I don’t need any more distractions. I’ve worked too hard to get here, and I need to do this for myself. You’re wonderful, Brandon, truly.”
I focused on the crew team passing by again while Brandon stared a hole through me. No wonder the guy had made his fortune twice over as an attorney; Brandon could probably intimidate just about any answer he wanted out of anyone.
Finally, I found the courage to look up. “What?” I asked weakly. “What is it that you want?”
“I want to know why you’re being such a damn chicken,” he said softly, his voice barely carrying over the breeze. “I don’t know what’s stopping you from doing what you and I both know is the right thing, but it’s not this damn divorce. It’s all but over. It’s been over for years. So what is it, Skylar? What’s really holding you back?”
I shook my head frantically back and forth at the tears that stubbornly seemed to show up all the damn times these days. Again. When would things get back to normal?
“I just can’t,” was all I could say in the low, creaky voice.
I didn’t want to tell him I knew about his payoff to Messina. The less he thought I knew, the better. These people didn’t take kindly to others knowing their business, and even though I knew Brandon would never do me any harm, it was best he could answer truthfully should Messina, or anyone, ask if I knew about him. Plausible deniability. When it really came down to it, we both might need that.
“So all that time didn’t mean shit to you?” Brandon’s tone turned nasty as he kicked a polished toe into the grass, uprooting small tufts.
“Of course it did,” I said, causing a few passersby to peek at us curiously. Furiously, I wiped at the tears that escaped. “It’s just…it’s just too much, Brandon. I told you that!”
Brandon grabbed my hand and yanked me farther down the small slope to the water’s edge, where our voices might be muffled a bit more.
“Obviously, it didn’t mean that much,” Brandon said bitterly. “I meant what I said, Skylar. You’re all I want. But when I tell you I love you, that I want to marry you, you’re out the door the next fucking morning. Did you forget that you said it too? Did you forget how good you felt in my arms, in my bed, up against the wall in your shower, baby? You and I both know that if it weren’t for this, this, bullshit!” He snatched the arbitration agreement from his pocket and shook it wildly. “If it weren’t for this, you’d be flat on your back on my kitchen table, screaming my name so the whole Common could hear me take you five different ways before dinner!”
