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“I do. Doyouremember how I mentioned this relationship has a power imbalance that’s really uncomfortable for me? Demands like that only deepen the divide.”
Something I’ve said clicks, I see it in his eyes. His faint irritation is wiped away, replaced with a sort of patience, like I’m a child not understanding a simple lesson. “This shouldn’t be comfortable, Hallie. Not right now. It’s brand-new, a dynamic you’re totally unfamiliar with. Of course you’re not comfortable right now. Stop expecting to be. Do it even though you’re not comfortable. I am not a comfortable man, but I believe you can adjust to me. You canbecomevery comfortable, but only if you stop resisting and trying to control everything. I won’t let you, so until you do, we’ll be locked in a power struggle that won’t be much fun for either of us. You have to let go and trust me.”
Trust is an obscene thing for him to demand from me after all he’s done. “You want trust you haven’t earned, Calvin. Trust is built over time, I can’t just give it to you.”
“Yes, you can,” he disagrees. “Give it to me on a contingent basis for now if you have to, however you have to convince yourself to give in and give it a try. Trust is built by watching your partner come through for you again and again. Consistently seeing them prioritize you and make the right choices. I understand things began with us in a…” He pauses to look for the word. “Less than ideal way, but we’re in this now, and it’s a separate thing. You weren’t my girlfriend that night, you were a stranger. I will still use you whenever and however I please, but now that you’re mine, I assure you, you can trust me to take very good care of you.”
“It wasn’t just that night, Calvin. You blackmailed me,” I remind him, before glancing around to make sure no one overheard.
“To get you into the relationship,” he says calmly, as if that was a completely fair thing to do. “Now you’re in it. If youbehavelike a woman in a relationship instead of a prisoner with one eye glued to the door, I won’t need to blackmail you any further.”
I fold my arms over my chest and stare at him. “But do you hear yourself? It’s still an option if I don’t fall into line.”
“Absolutely,” he says, unflinchingly holding my gaze. “Understand this, sweetheart.” That’s a twisted endearment to use considering his next words. “You’re mine no matter what. I’m the winning team. Whether I’m a one-man team or a two-person team, whichever team I am on will be the one that wins. Period. End of story. If you fight me, you will lose. I guarantee it. I will set your whole entire world on fire. I will scorch the earth around anyone you even somewhat love. I will ruin your life, and you and all of your loved ones will spendyearsclawing your way out of the graves I dig for you.”
My jaw hangs open, the horror on my face plain to see.
“But,” he goes on, still in that same calm tone, “that’s not what I want. I don’t want to hurt you. I like you. I want you on my team.”
“Oh. Lucky me,” I say faintly, not understanding how he can say all of this as if it’s healthy or normal.
“It is lucky,” he says, not a bit ironically. “Who doesn’t want to be on the winning team?”
I swallow. “Maybe someone who doesn’t have a choice about joining.”
“You do,” he says simply. “You have to be in this relationship, but you don’t have to be happy in it. That’s where you get to choose. If you’d rather be my prisoner than my girlfriend, you’re free to. I can hire a morally-flexible bodyguard to watch you every second of every day for the rest of your life, if that’s what you want.”
My face tells him how much I don’t want that, so I don’t offer any words.
He goes on. “I can make you do a lot of things, Hallie, but I can’t make you yield your power. That’s a different thing from me taking it from you.” He regards me, his gaze serious. “Giving in is the only thing you have to do, and then we canbothbe happy. I’ll take it from there, and I’ll take good care of you. You can count on that.”
It’s scary what he’s asking. I can’t wrap my mind around it. Trusting him seems like sheer lunacy. I could try to fake it, but to actuallydoit?
I’d have to be as crazy as he is.
“I know I’m asking a lot,” he says when I don’t answer after a few seconds.
My gaze shifts to him. “Do you?”
He nods. “But I’ll make it worth your while. I’m not asking you to sacrifice yourself for me, Hallie. You’ll benefit from the arrangement, too. I will take care of you completely. I will give you everything you could ever dream to have—but you’ll get it onmyterms, not yours.”
My lips curve up faintly, but I feel no amusement. I don’t look at him as I say, “You’ll give me the world, or you’ll burn mine to the ground? How can both things be true?”
Unapologetic, he shrugs. He takes the linen napkin off his side of the table and unfolds it. “I told you before and I’ll tell you again. I’ll do whatever it takes to get what I want, and you are what I want.” He spreads the napkin across his lap, then looks back at me across the table. “In the bedroom and out of it, I can give you pleasure, or I can take it away. The choice is yours, Hallie. Choose wisely.”
___
Calvin orders my dinner, and then he orders dessert.
It feels like I’m being tested in some way. He told me he wanted me to relinquish control to him, but I don’t think I entirely understood the scale of it.
I’m starting to think his only reason for not letting me have my phone is that I keep asking for it. Originally, I thought he was worried I would appeal to someone for help. I think I’ve had his motives and concerns confused, so I’ve been trying to solve this problem in ways that will never work with him.
I resolve to spend the rest of the night trying to do things his way. I don’t want to be his prisoner. I don’t want to be his girlfriend, either, but if those are my only two options, one is clearly preferable to the other.
So, I ignore the notion that it’s mental and start treating him like I would a boyfriend I picked out for myself.
I thank him for dinner after he pays because I like when a first date doesn’t ask me to chip in. I know this isn’t actually our first date, but I’m treating it like it is.
