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“Bullshit,” he narrows his eyes at me. “It’s what all of you are after.”
Oh.
“Really? All of whom?”
“Women,” he scoffs, and the fiery hot blood in my stream instantly turns to ice water.
So this is what I was trying to offer my daughter? A cocky, arrogant, cold, womanizing asshole with no heart and a drug problem?I know I’m one to talk on that last one, but at least I make a daily effort to keep it together for her, and this bastard has no interest in her. I start to feel the wind leave my sails.
He doesn’t want her.
How can anyone not want her?
Despite my pride, I feel the backs of my eyes start to prickle.
“Not a damn cent,” I finally tremble out.
“What?” he snaps with a sneer.
“That’s what it will take for you to not hear from me again,” I hold my hands out as a tear escapes down my face, completely betraying the confident control I was trying to portray. “Not a damn cent,” I repeat as I turn and walk away.
On the way back to my car, I struggle and scramble to hold all the pieces of myself together and I have to say, I’m impressed with myself. I make it all the way into my car with the door shut, the engine running, and the radio turned up before I rest my forehead on the steering wheel and scream.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Kasey
This isn’t a slip,I tell myself as I sit in the parking lot of the tiny bodega with the word LIQOUR in bright red capital letters bolted to the side.
Normal people don’t have to deal with things like this without help. They get to take the edge off; to dull the pain until they pass out into a blissfully dreamless sleep, and then wake up to a new day.
I should get to, too.
I mean, I’ve been a rock; a paragon of willpower and resistance, dealing with shitty feelings like this in their full-blown, organic, and fully potent form, and with emotional pain of this magnitude, I should get a little slack.
Besides, pills are my problem, not alcohol. I could just have a drink, just one to take the sting out of this, and then I’ll be able to function better for Luna.
“Addiction is addiction, no matter the substance”the sentiment I’ve heard countless times in treatment and meetings repeats in my mind, but I shrug it away. That does me no good right now.
I mean, look at me - crying, shaking, and voice trembling. How am I supposed to care for my child like this?
Just once,I reason.Just enough to make this bearable so I can sleep tonight. I’ve been clean for so long, it won’t be enough to send me into withdrawals when it’s gone.
But it can definitely be enough to trigger a craving, the angel on my shoulder argues.
Then I’ll fight it like I always fucking do!I inwardly scream with years of pent-up frustration, and give my steering wheel a pound so hard it hurts the heel of my hand.
“I can fight it,” I whisper to myself. “I can fight it…”
Ben
It's been two weeks since Kasey and I fell out that afternoon, and now our dynamic is colder than ever. She drops Luna off at practice and picks her up every day, and the most interaction I get from her is a faint smile. Sometimes, she even has one of her coworkers pick Luna up if she can.
Tonight I’m not sleeping, as usual. I’m lying in an empty bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me and how I’m ever going to get off my dead ass and do something useful with myself again. Coaching the kids’ team is something, but it’s not going to last forever. I pull myself out of bed and dress in a t-shirt and pair of shorts before heading out on the back porch of Matt and Melanie’s house, hoping a little fresh air will help clear my head so I can sleep.
Kasey gave me one hell of an inconvenient truth; one I’ve always known but have always been okay ignoring. I’ve always known that keeping my story closed off has meant letting no one in, and like a petulant teenager, I’ve been happy with that. Until now, that is. Now I don’t like that it’s hurting someone I care about and keeping Kasey and me from being closer. I do want her closer, so close that she’s a part of me.
I’m surprised at how clearly I can see the sky, being so close to the city, but the backyard seems to face away from the smog and I see a clear patch of stars. For a moment, I think I see one of those shooting balls of gas Jamie believed in, but quickly realize it’s a satellite. Ah well. I don’t believe in that shit anyway.
