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Something’s happening to me. I feel my heart melting inside my chest, and all of a sudden, I have no other desire than to make this moment go on and on. Holy fuck, I’m turning… weak. It’s official; this little girl has me wrapped around her finger.
Kasey
As much as I felt weak and pathetic when Ben first came over, and even more so when I woke up to find that he took my daughter out to distract her and help me recoup, I’m thankful for it now. I couldn’t think of a thing to do with myself because I was so drained, so I did absolutely nothing. Turns out, that may have been just what the doctor ordered (pun intended).
Normally, I would protest the idea of needing more help, particularly in the form of someone taking my daughter off my hands. I’m always so dead set on not relying on anyone, but today, I seem to be too wrung out to care. So, my day has consisted of an extra-long shower, followed by coffee in silence on the back deck, cleaning the bathroom, going through all of Luna’s clothes to pull out what she’s outgrown and putting them in a bin for donation, vacuuming the living room, sitting down to watch a mindless movie, taking a nap, waking up and treating myself to an afternoon cup of coffee and playing a few rounds of Candy Crush, all while calmly and intermittently sorting through all my thoughts and feelings like a seemingly normal person might. Things still suck. It still kills me that Luna’s father wants nothing to do with her, but maybe I should stop struggling to understand it, because the answer is simple: he’s just a shitty excuse for a human being. The end. This is a stress that I need to let go of, especially now that I have done everything I could possibly do to get him to care. It’s time to move on, for both Luna and for me.
The clarity this day has given me is priceless. Even waking up without Ben this morning, I could still feel the strength and the comfort his arms infused me with all through the night, and it’s lasted me into the day. And I feel like I’m done fighting whatever this is between us. I’ve been so determined to spare Luna and I from the probable heartbreak that would follow if and when this time with him expires, but today, I’ve considered the impact he’s had on us. Even if he’s only meant to be in our lives for a limited time, maybe we’veneededit, and maybe it will give us the strength we’ll need for the next chapter. That said, I can still cautiously hope for more.
This particular calm after the storm has put me at ease and left me feeling more in control, and I have Ben to thank for that; for both holding me together last night, the peace he gave me today, and the part of his soul he let me into last night, have all put me in this moment.
And so, when he comes through my front door, hauling several grocery bags with a warm smile on his face, I feel like everything is right in my world. I automatically walk up to relieve him of a couple of the bags, and we carry them into the kitchen together. When we set them down, I immediately turn to him and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my cheek against his chest. A sense of love and joy envelop my heart when his arms naturally go around me, holding me close, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to do.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
“I’m okay,” I nod against him with a tone of complete affirmation. “Thank you,” I whisper, sincerely.
“Um…” he hesitates. “Don’t thank me yet.”
“Why?” I lift my head and ask just as Luna comes in the front door.
“Mom!” she calls, and I hear the most beautiful notes of excitement and joy in her voice. “Look what Ben got us!”
She strolls through the open space of the living and dining room, her movements careful and gentle so as not to frighten the tiny, striped kitten in her arms. I feel my eyes go wide as I look between Luna and Ben, and he quickly tries to explain.
“I know it wasn’t cool to not check with you first, and if it’s not okay, we can figure something out. He can live at my house and Luna can still call him hers and visit. I remember you saying you were thinking of getting her a cat, and she just went nuts over that little guy and I couldn’t help myself-”
“Oh…” I cut him off, shaking my head, “yousucker!” I jab, feeling the humor returning to my body while Ben sighs and rolls his eyes at himself. I look back at the happiness painted all over my little girl’s face, and it gives me life. While most moms might be pissed at the liberty Ben took, this feels right; it feels good.
“So, who is this?” I ask Luna, as I crouch down to get a better look at the adorable baby feline.
“He’s a boy, but I can’t think of a name yet,” she says coyly.
“She rejected my suggestions of Maverick, Butch, and Spanky,” Ben chimes in, with, oh my God, a hint of humor!
“Can I hold him?” I ask, giggling, and Luna happily hands him to me. I coo and fawn over him as I hold him in my hands, and his squeaky little meow pretty much makes my heart burst. “I’m sure the right name will come to us,” I reassure everyone before standing with our new little pet and looking at all the grocery bags.
“The fixings for every pasta known to man,” Ben fills in for me. “We thought we’d make you dinner and Luna said you’d like pasta but we weren’t sure what kind you’d like tonight, so we decided to let you pick.”
“Hmmm…” I look through the bags. “How about tortellini with alfredo, and bowtie with pesto?”
Ben looks at me like I’m crazy, but it’s in an endearing way, and the three of us get to work, boiling the pastas, mixing the sauces, putting the garlic bread in the oven, and taking turns holding the nameless kitty. We even put on a little girly pop music that annoys the shit out of Ben, but I catch him chuckling as he watches Luna and I dance around the kitchen.
We let the kitten explore the living room while we sit at the table enjoying plates loaded with ridiculous amounts of carbs before we excuse Luna to go and play with our new family member. As Ben and I clean up, I get an odd sense of domestic comfort, and like the night he checked on Luna, I can’t help but wonder if this is what it’s like to be happily married with a family. I quickly dismiss the thought, however. While this is all wonderful, I know I need to take it for what it is for now.
When the last pan is in the dishwasher, I turn to Ben and lean back against the counter.
“Last night, and today, were really good for me. Thank you.” I finally feel like I can say that without adding ‘even though I can’t do much in return’. It feels freeing to just accept the help he gave without the stress of reciprocation hanging over my head. I feel like because of it, I’m my best self in this moment which serves my child greatly, not to mention myself.
“It’s no problem,” he returns, taking a section of counter beside me. “In fact, it didn’t even feel like any big gesture, or going out of my way or anything. It just felt natural, like I was meant to do it.”
“Can I ask kind of an uncomfortable question?” I look up at him.
“Okaaay…” he says with a confused smile while shaking his head.
“This feeling,” I gesture around the room at the kitchen, sweeping Luna and the kitten, Ben and myself. “Is this what being married feels like? I just mean that out of curiosity,” I rush to reassure him, not wanting him to think I’m mentally picking out wedding dresses and naming our unborn children. “Like just in general, does it feel like this?”
He takes a moment, giving his answer serious thought before finally responding, “Something like this. Yeah.”
