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It’s now that the pieces in my mind snap together, and I realize what Matt, my mother, Lizzie, Katy, Michelle and Ben have been trying to get me to believe all this time. And in this moment, I forgive myself. Like Ben said, it’s time to cut myself some slack instead of spending all my mental energy on berating myself. The very idea already has me feeling more focused. I guess I just needed to see it after hearing it.
When the meeting concludes, I approach Tori, as she had introduced herself before her share. I may not be able to do for Ben what he’s done for me, or pay Matt back what he’s spent to help me… but I can do this. I can help someone in my own small way. I can listen. I can let her know she’s not alone.
“Hi,” I gently get her attention and my heart gives an aching squeeze as I take in her sallow appearance, the dark circles under her eyes, and the way her fingers shake as she fidgets with the pendant on the end of her necklace.
“Hi,” her voice is barely a whisper as she looks up at me with cautious curiosity in her blue eyes.
“Can I take you to lunch?”
Ben
“That’s a nice bracelet,” the elderly woman sitting on the other side tells me, jolting me out of the mini freak-out I was just having about returning to the place I came from. I swallow and look up at her to find her regarding me with kind eyes.
I look down at the little trinket adorning my wrist that Kasey entrusted me with, and there was not even a question in my mind of whether I’d wear it the way she does; like a permanent part of my body I cannot, and will not, take off.
“My daughter made it,” I reply, figuring I would try the concept on for size with this stranger.
It feels good.
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until I feel the jolt and jostle of wheels hitting the tarmac beneath me. Coming back to the States was one thing, but back to where my former self existed, the life I once thought of nothing else but escaping, is another.
I barely register the voice of the flight attendant on the intercom welcoming the passengers to Seattle; instead, I try to gather my thoughts - and some gumption. While others are scrambling to grab their belongings and get the hell out of the stuffy cabin, I take a moment to close my eyes and go back to being in the ice tub with Kasey. I focus on my breathing and allow myself to remember the numbing cold of the ice water we were immersed in, and how we gripped onto each other for strength. Before I know it, my thoughts are centered and the slight anxiety I was feeling is mollified. I’m in control.
I stand and grab my carry-on bag and walk off the plane and through SeaTac airport, straight for the car rental counter, one foot in front of the other.
The roads and routes of Seattle are so foreign yet familiar as I drive the way I remember. On the flight, I tried to think of how best to orchestrate this visit back to what used to be my home. No answer seemed right, so I decided to go with my gut. Going to the hospital is out of the question, and I’ve decided that’s okay. It’s okay if I’ll never be able to put every tiny shattered piece back in its place. Like when a crystal vase is dropped and breaks with pieces scattering everywhere, it’s impossible to put every splintered piece back. You can only put back what you can. The human heart is no different. The thing is, I ran away from the mess. Now it’s time to put the pieces back together that I can salvage, and discard the one’s I can’t.
In any case, I won’t be trying to find Dan at work. I can only hope he still lives where he did before.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Ben
I closemy eyes and take a deep breath in, holding it while I knock on the white wooden door and letting it out as I drop my hand and wait.
I hear the excited shriek of a small child, the scraping of claws racing against hardwood, and finally, the heavy footsteps of an adult approaching the door before it swings open to reveal my old colleague and good friend from years ago.
Dan Cruz’s Hispanic looks have a slightly more rugged appearance to them, but other than that, and the toddler girl clinging to his leg, he hasn’t changed.
His eyebrows go up as his lower jaw falls slack as he registers who’s standing in front of him.
He freezes and stares for a moment, presumably taking in the sight of me and making sure he’s not losing his mind before the little girl’s voice seems to snap him out of it.
“Who’s it, Da?”
“Ben,” he heaves out on a breath, both in answer to his child and in greeting to me.
“Hello, Dan.”
“You should’ve pressed charges,” I offer Dan quietly, as I sit across from him in his study.
“You were hurting,” he shrugs. “You were traumatized and you lashed out. Besides, you had nothing on it,” he kids.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him sincerely. “I know it’s five years late, but I wanted you to know that. And I wanted to thank you for everything you did.”
“Even though it was pointless,” he sighs.
“You didn’t know that at the time,” I console him.
