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“Oh,” I gasp. I think back to my time with Chris, however brief, and realize that I’m not falling for him. I have fallen for him. From the moment we first met, when he’d been so genuinely intrigued about my work, and each time thereafter, he’d looked beyond the exterior and really seen me. He saw me in a way I hadn’t even seen myself, just like Harper said. That’s a gift no one has ever given me before, and yes, I love him for it.
“Yes, I love him.”
“Then wanting to support him or save him is natural,” Harper says. “You don’t have that desire because you want him to love you. You have it because you already love him. And I think you know that. You just wanted someone to confirm it.”
“I guess I did.” I sigh. “How did you know?”
“You aren’t the only romance writer I represent,” Harper reminds me, “and you aren’t the only one who’s tried to rationalize her feelings by comparing them to a book.”
I cringe as I digest this. It makes a certain amount of sense that I’d try to relate my experiences to a book, but I never expected to have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality. That’s pretty humbling. And here I thought I was in tune with my feelings all along. I’m no better at recognizing love than my characters are. Or more accurately, I’m no better at acknowledging it. I let myself focus on the length of time I’ve known Chris as opposed to what I feel about him, and in the process, I haven't been honest with myself. But does that change anything?
I can’t tell Chris how I really feel. Not yet. Not until I know he feels the same, and given that his dating history has been as unsuccessful as mine, chances are he’s not ready for my declaration, especially if it’s not reciprocated. Oh, I know he cares about me. I know he feels the intensity of our connection the same as I do, but that doesn’t mean he’s prepared to call attention to it, and it most certainly doesn’t mean he’s ready to put a label on it. After all, he’s still holding something back, and as long as he is, he’s not ready to hear how I really feel.
Wait a minute! What did Harper say earlier, about falling in love being bad?
“Harper?”
“Yes, I’m still here. I guess the little voices in your head finally paused long enough to remember I’m still on the line?” she quips.
“What did you say about falling in love being the fastest way to end a career?”
“Oh, that,” she says dismissively. “Nothing really. I was just lamenting having to counsel a supposed expert on her love life. It happens more often than you might think.”
“Harper,” I say firmly. “I’ve never known you to say things you don’t mean, especially when it comes to books. What happens to writers that fall in love?”
“Nothing happens. They find their happily ever after, end of story,” she rambles.
“So their careers remain intact?”
“Yes. Sometimes. It depends on the writer.”
“Explain.”
“Well, sometimes when people find their happily ever after, they stop dreaming about it. They have less time to imagine someone else’s happily ever after. And not a lot of men love the idea that their partner is inventing sexy characters that aren’t them. They find it emasculating.”
“And you think that will happen to me?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” Harper says. “I hope not, but I’ve seen it happen. It takes a really strong woman to write romance fantasy when she’s happily in love and an even stronger man to support her doing it.”
“So you’d rather me keep writing than fall in love?”
“I didn’t say that,” Harper replies, without a hint of dishonesty. “You’re a good writer, and I’d love for you to keep writing. But I also want you to be happy. It’s just that in my experience they aren’t always mutually exclusive.”
The way she mentions her experience gives me pause, and it’s on the tip of my tongue to ask about what she means. But then the implications of that statement distract me. Give up writing to be with Chris? That’s a scenario I haven't considered before, but Harper’s words make me wonder. Can a man be comfortable with a woman who tells erotic stories for a living? I’m already guarded about that for the purposes of my desire to write kids’ books, but I never imagined that I’d have to give the romances up completely to be in a relationship. Will Chris demand that of me? Will I give in if he does?
It’s starting to seem like, for now, the best course of action is to continue doing what we’re doing. There’s no reason to disrupt that worrying about hypotheticals. And when the time is right, when I feel comfortable that telling him how I feel will bring him closer instead of pushing him away, I will. Maybe then he’ll be ready to let me all the way in and tell me what else is weighing on him. And when that happens, maybe I’ll let him all the way in, too, and tell him the truth about the romances on my bookshelf.
Chapter 17
Chris
It’s been over a week since Lisa and I decided to fill Charlie in on our affair, but I haven’t found a time to do it. Part of the reason is legitimate, and part of it is based on my own procrastination.
I’ve had to fend off some rumors about Swop’s demise, because people are starting to speculate we can’t get a patent, and while Simon has been able to verify a file was downloaded suspiciously, he hasn’t been able to trace who did it yet. He has been able to confirm Engage’s materials are intact, but that’s the only good news. I’m no closer to proving Swop’s data was compromised, and trying to dance around the rumors surrounding the patent has made it difficult to do much else this week. Which is the other reason I haven’t talked to Charlie yet. I haven’t had time to figure out what I’m going to say.
For all the good advice that Erik gave me, I’m still not sure how to broach the subject with my brother. What I do know is that eventually Charlie will come around. What I don’t know is how long that might take and what I can say to minimize the impact.
There is no ignoring the fact that I deliberately went behind Charlie’s back. That I tried not to doesn’t really matter, it happened, meaning for the first time in our lives I kept a secret from my brother. That alone should indicate how serious I am about Lisa, but I’m not sure Charlie will see it that way. In fact, I’m worried Charlie will be more offended by the secret than the fact that I went behind his back, and his reaction to the deception is what has me most worried. But I can’t put it off any longer. I owe it to Charlie, and to Lisa, to get everything out in the open. That’s why I’m sitting here in the cab of my pickup, waiting for the weekly staff meeting to end so I can catch him.
