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Quinn closes his eyes, and I know once he opens them, he’ll reveal a big secret that’ll change everything.
“No, it’s not,” he says, opening his eyes. “It’s so far from the truth it’s not even funny. I fuckingwantyou. And I have never wanted anything, needed anyone, as much as I do you.”
“Then why did you leave last night? I needed you. As pathetic as that makes me, I needed you to make me forget.” He doesn’t need me to clarify what I needed to forget. “Why do you always stop me when I try to touch you? You won’t let me in, and that’s unfair because you know everything there is to know about me.”
“Because,” he says, storming toward me. “Because, Red…I don’t want you to stop looking at me the way that you do.”
This conversation is a familiar one, as it’s one we had not so long ago when the tables were turned.
“How do I look at you?” I ask softly.
“Like I’mworthlooking at. Like I’m worth something,”he replies.
“You don’t realize how much you’re worth,” I whisper.
“I’m not a good person,” he says, and I suddenly realize Quinn has lived my past in his own way.
He has a soul-crushing secret that consumes him just like I did. But I have to make it better for him, just as he did for me.
“Yes, you are. You wouldn’t have left your home for me if you weren’t. And you wouldn’t put yourself in danger for me, time and time again.”
He takes a deep breath, his beautiful features contorting with his confession. “Last night when you said I was yours, you don’t realize how badly I wanted that to be true.”
I gasp at his confession, but he continues.
“Then to see you open up to me, asking me to touch you, goddamn, I’m an asshole because that’s all I wanted to do. That’sallI ever want to do. I have to stop myself from touching you every goddamn second of the fucking day.”
“Why?” I ask, confused and stunned by his admission.
“Because I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be happy, and with you, Red, that’s what I am—happy. And the guilt I feel knowing that eats away at me. I don’t deserve any happiness because…”
But he doesn’t continue and lowers his eyes.
“Why don’t you deserve to be happy?”
When he meets my eyes, I can see the pain behind his, and I know that Quinn lives with whatever he did every second of his life.
“You’re not the only one who has a past. But like I told you, you didn’t have a choice…but I did.”
“What did you do?”
But it doesn’t matter what he did because it would never change how I feel about him.
He only shakes his head, his hair shadowing his torn eyes.“I can’t tell you.”
“You’re fucking kidding me. After everything, you still won’t tell me? After everything we’ve been through?”
He firmly shakes his head once again, chewing on his lip ring. “No.”
His curt reply hurts, and I feel like I’ve been slapped with his distrust. “Fuck you, Quinn Berkeley.”
I turn on my heel, not sure where I’m going because I just got back.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m not sure, but anywhere is better than here.”
I’m trying to be understanding because I have firsthand experience with how Quinn feels. I’ve lived it. But back then, I didn’t know him. I didn’t know I could trust him with my secret like he knows he can with me.
