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That tone yanks the words right out of me. Years of conditioning and I’m blurting out the truth before I can stop myself. “I don’t want that for me.”
“What? Love?” Dad’s expression is comically incredulous. “You don’t ever want to fall in love?”
I nod. One sharp movement—concise and clear.
Dad lets out a breathy laugh, all shock and bewilderment. “Why?”
“Because I…” Running a hand through my hair, I cup the back of my head and worry that I’ll hurt him. But he’s gonna keep pushing for the truth, so I make sure to keep my voice soft. “Because I saw how Mom’s death destroyed you, and I don’t want to be like that.”
A flash of pain crosses his face. He swallows, nodding a few times while staring down at his keys. “It didn’t destroy me.” His voice is gravelly, and I wonder how much of that lie he believes.
“You shut down… for months. And when you came back, you… It’s never been the same. You’ve never even dated again.”
He shrugs. “I’m a one-woman guy. I can’t ever love someone like I loved her.”
“So you’re just gonna spend the rest of your life alone?” I stretch my arms wide, giving him a pointed look that surely settles this argument. Love opens you up to a world of pain. Dad’s never been able to move on, and I don’t want to spend my life celibate and lonely. I’d rather have a ton of casual flings than have my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Dad lets out a soft sigh. “I’m not opposed to dating again one day, but until I find someone as cool as your mom, I’m happy on my own.”
I shake my head with a skeptical frown.
“Iamhappy, Ethan. I love my life.”
“So do I. Which is why I like to keep things casual. It’s easier. Way less complicated.”
“Yeah, but…” Dad’s expression crumples as he points down the road. “That girl. She’s one of kind. And if you do casual with her, she’s gonna walk out of your life and end up with someone else.”
The words are a fist to the face. A green haze blurs my vision as I imagine some other guy holding her, kissing her, making her moan.
I snap my eyes shut with a soft growl.
“Don’t do this to yourself.” Dad’s voice is a quiet lilt, a soft pleading for me to hear him. “You’ll regret it. Knowing you could have had her and chose to walk away…that’ll be on you for the rest of your life.”
“What if I lose her?” My voice is raw and trembling.
Dad pauses, his sad smile enough to tear my heart in half. “Yeah.” He nods, laying his hand on my shoulder. “What if you do?”
I stare down at him, shaking my head in confusion.
He sighs, patting me twice before dropping his arm back down to his side. “Do you want to know one of my biggest regrets that I will never get over?”
My eyes start burning. This is gonna be about Mom. I can tell.
“I never took your mom to Disneyland. She wanted to go, and at first it was a case of not having enough money, and then it was a case of not having enough time, and then she got sick and…” He swallows. “And we said we’d go when she got better.”
I blink and rasp, “And she never got better.”
Dad sniffs, his head bobbing in that way he does when the emotion is raw and painful. He squeezes the keys in his fist. “I couldn’t do it after that. Couldn’t go there without her.”
So that’s why he never took me. I had to go with my cousins instead. We did a family trip to Los Angeles, and Dad had to work. But maybe he didn’t really have to.
“I’ll never walk into that magical place… because she never got to. And that’s on me.” His eyes glimmer with unshed tears. “And I should have made it happen, because then I’d have this amazing memory of us being there together.”
My memories are still pretty fresh. It was only two and a half years ago. It was a big graduation celebration for me and my cousin Lacey. It bothered me a little at the time that I had to be there without Dad, but I got it. Now it bothers me a whole lot because the truth fucking sucks.
“Life is meant to be lived in the here and now.” Dad’s voice is still thick with emotion, but it’s clearing. His tears aren’t slipping free as he gains control and looks at me with that confident wisdom he carries so easily. “You can plan for the future, but life will always throw surprises at you. Some of them good. Some of them bad.” He swallows, clearing his throat before carrying on. “You only have this moment right here. We never know which one’s gonna be our last.” He shakes his head with a sad smile. “Money can always be found. You can always make the time, and I know you will hate yourself if you let fear stop you from having one-of-a-kind love. Even if you only get her for a short time, enjoy it. Turn it into a memory you can cherish, but don’t push her away because you’ve convinced yourself romance is too complicated. It doesn’t have to be. The right woman makes you a man. She brings out all the best things inside you, and it kills me that you want to deny yourself that. I’m sorry if I’ve made you think love will break you. Itmademe. And I will never regret giving my all to your mother. Never.”
Tugging on my hoodie, he pulls me into a hug, his solid arms wrapping around me and reminding me how strong he is.
