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Winnie laughs freely, and I can’t help but smile, despite my chagrin. “Excellent. That’s exactly the vibe I was going for. In my defense, you didn’t give the best first, second, or even third impression. And you were hooking up with any girl who batted her lashes at you back then, so I couldn’t feel too special.”
The cupcake turns to cement in my throat, and I choke, coughing until my sinuses run.
“Sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?”
I swallow, take a full breath, and swallow again. When I think it’s safe to speak again, I croak, “No, not a secret. Not my proudest moments, uh…”
“Relax, Case. I’m not trying to put you on trial here. I felt like it might be the elephant in the room or whatever, and I’ve been meaning to bring it up. But saying, ‘Hey, about that time you had sex with Christine…’ felt awkward.”
I relax at her tone. “I don’t regret what happened, mostly. Walker died before… well. Anyway.” I look to the back seat with an apologetic expression.Sorry, man.“It’s not an excuseor anything. It’s just for some reason I zeroed in on that. Like, it was this one thing I could take the reins on in my own life. I wasn’t going down like that.”
“A virgin?”
“Yeah. That said, I may have overcompensated.”
She lifts a shoulder and tilts her head toward me, pragmatic as always. “Having sex is a natural human… thing.”
“I know.”
“I haven’t had sex yet.”
“Okay.”
“Not that I don’t want to. Opportunities haven’t presented themselves.”
The silence settles around us. Not quite uncomfortable, but there. My brain scrambles to latch onto the right words. I definitely want to have sex with Winnie. But I don’t want her to feel pressured because I’ve already had sex. I don’t expect it. I’m okay without it. I like how things are, and any way I can be with her is great.
“I guess,oh my gosh,” she mutters, her face flaming pink and her fingers gripping the wheel so hard they turn white. “This is so embarrassing. Okay.” She glances at me out of the corner of her eye. “I guess I’m trying to say I’m open to having sex. With you. I’m notnotinterested. Just inexperienced.”
My blood rushes out of my head, and I shift in my seat. “I’m not experienced in being in a relationship. Just because I’ve had sex doesn’t make me an expert, anyway. I guess what I’m saying is, when we’re ready, we’ll be equal partners. Like everything else, right?”
She exhales, relieved. “Right. Good. I like that.”
“Me, too.”
Winnie pulls into a gas station before she leans over and kisses me.
“What’s that for?”
She smiles, taking off her seat belt. “Does there need to be a reason?”
After stopping to check into our hotel room, which turns into a detour for more kissing (some of which is on a very conveniently placed bed), we make it to the concert with minutes to spare. The venue is more crowded than I would have ever guessed, though we are the youngest people by at least a decade. Winnie forces me to buy two Whitesnake T-shirts we immediately put over our clothes. Apparently, of the hours and hours of songs we listened to this morning and afternoon, “Here I Go Again” is Winnie’s new-old favorite song. She’s also forced me to watch the music video twice. I’m not sure I understand how the lady dancing on the hoods of the cars fits with the lyrics, but I can appreciate the enthusiasm. I’ve already offered for Winnie to reenact on my Navigator whenever she wants.
Though I was raised on neon lights and loud crowds, this is another level. Screaming guitars, fried vocals, heavy bass you can feel in your bones. I have the time of my life. Winnie bangs her head and sings along to as many lyrics as she can, and I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s so light without responsibility weighing down her shoulders. The familiar piano chords of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” come on, and she screams. Straight up screams, jumping up and down.
That’s when I start to lose it a little. Because she’s so beautiful and fun, and I have this automatic thought like,Walker would be wild for herandthis entire night, and I’m suddenly imagininghow it would have been with the two of them, screaming along to Journey together and making fun of me for being boring and not knowing the lyrics. He’d have a matching T-shirt and would crash on the floor of our hotel room, happily cramping my style and—
And—he’s not. He won’t ever be here. For the rest of my life, I will want to show him things and experience things with him, and I can’t.
I don’t cry this time. For once, knowing all of this doesn’t ruin my night. It hurts, but the pain doesn’t suck me under the way it used to. Whether that is due to the passing of time or the girl singing her heart out next to me or something else, I don’t know.
All I know is by the end of the song, I’m singing along to the chorus and losing myself in the crowd just like everyone else and I think for a second I can see my best friend there, on the periphery, fist in the air, hair flopping around, smile splitting across his face. Ifeelhim next to us, and it’s enough.
Winnie is quiet in the hotel elevator after the show.
“Tired?” I ask.
She nods, pressing against me. “Long day. Long drive. But mostly just feeling extra quiet. Everything was so loud at the venue.”
