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He crosses his arms over his chest. “Can I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“On your dad’s little ‘timeline,’ did he leave any room for you to get married?” He puts timeline in air quotes.
“It’s not my timeline, it’s his.”
“But he’s telling you to leave me so that you can be ten years ahead of him. Is that what you want?”
I open my mouth and shut it. “I don’t know.”
He nods, pouring another shot and downing it. “Funny, you don’t know that, but you do know that you aren’t interested in marrying me or having children any time soon. Nor do you want to live together. What you do want is to dictate how many times I see you in a week. You’re pretty fucking clear on where we stand, but not your career. The career you’re traveling miles away from everything and everyone you know for.”
“You told me if I took this job, it wouldn’t affect us. That we’ll be fine.” Hurt wars with anger in my chest.
“Yes, but I also think maybe you’re taking this job, using it as an out. Ever since we got together, something is keeping you one foot out, and I don’t know what it is. I love you, and I’ve loved you for a decade, but maybe your feelings for me aren’t the same, aren’t as strong.” He downs another shot and pushes it all away, going back to his chair and staring down at the floor.
“I love you. I am in this.” My voice is growing louder.
“With stipulations of how much I’m allowed to love you.”
I’m growing madder the more he talks as if I’m not in this. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been in this one hundred percent from the start. Yes, did I want to date you? I did because I wanted to know what it was like. And I’m not ready for marriage and kids. We’ve literally been dating for like two months.”
“And we’ve known each other for over ten years!” he shouts.
I sit down on the couch. “I’m not sure what you want from me.”
“Nothing.” He raises his head, and he looks at me. “That’s the thing, I never wanted one thing from you. Actually, no, strike that. All I ever wanted was your love. That’s it.”
“You have it, Cooper. I love you.”
“So much so that you can’t wait to get away from me.”
“You told me to take it!” I shout in frustration.
“The minute your dad brought it up, I saw it in your eyes. The excitement. The wanting to please him. Never once did you think how it might interfere with us. It’s not that I think I should be the basis for your decision, but it would be nice to think that maybe I factored in even a little.”
He’s implying something without actually saying it, and if we’re going to move forward, I want to hear it.
“Spit it out, Coop.”
He throws his hands up in front of him. “I don’t think you feel the same for me as I do for you. I think you got caught up in it all, and after we got together, you got scared. That’s why you suddenly wanted to put some rules down. But I’m a big boy, Elle. I can handle someone not loving me the way I love them. Ten years ago, when you asked to just be my friend because you always wanted me in your life, I wish you would’ve just told me the truth—that you didn’t feel the same way I did.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, my voice low because I don’t understand what he’s doing. He’s taking a wrecking ball and aiming it right at our relationship, but I don’t understand why.
“I’m talking about the sacrifices I would make for you. Anything, Elle, I’d do anything as long as you were in my life. Quit football. Done.”
“I’d never ask that of you.”
“Just like I’m not asking you to quit, I’m asking you to include me in your life and your life decisions. You’re my entire future. I see no one else, but to you, I feel like a fresh relationship. I want you to have everything you want, Elle, but your actions don’t say that you’re one hundred percent on board with us. Not to mention, all you do is complain about all the shit you have to take at work because of your dad, and now you’re following him when this could be your time to get out from under him.”
I blow out a breath and stare at him. “So what then? Where do we go from here?”
He sits up in the chair, resting his forearms on his legs, and stares at the floor. “I think we take a break.”
My heart stills in my chest. “Seriously?”
He lifts his head, and he stares at me for a moment. “You need time to think about what you want, especially from this relationship. You can’t control my feelings. I want marriage and kids with you. I want you to have it all, the career and the family and anything else you want in this life. But I’m not sure it’s what you want, and even if you do, whether I’m the one you want it with.”
