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adrenaline bumping up another level as I nosed ahead, pressing down onto the gas with all my might. Cars screeched around the corner behind me, the sound cutting through the night air like a knife.
“Two more corners,” I muttered to myself, allowing myself another split-second glance in the mirror, seeing all three of them on my six and grappling to catch me. At the next corner, I left it slightly too late to brake, not realizing how sharp it was. I grunted, fighting with the steering to catch the skid before correcting and plummeting on down the straight road.
Suddenly Ellie’s face flashed in my mind, and just like that, I wasn’t as fearless as I liked to believe. All this time I’d been racing, I’d never once worried about being hurt or killed. I’d never had anything worth living for anyway. But as soon as that little girl’s face appeared in my mind, fear clutched my heart with its icy hand. If I were hurt or dead, then I wouldn’t be able to be there for her, and that was something that was extremely important to me. I did have something worth living for, even if I didn’t actually have her, so to speak.
I looked over to see the green kamikaze now in second place, almost at my side. I could see his determined look as he clasped his wheel tightly and gunned his engine. The next corner was within sight; the twin was not even yet thinking about applying the brakes. I gulped, thinking of Ellie having to lay her father to rest tomorrow. I needed to be there for that. I had to.
My foot eased off the gas, my car slowing, and almost instantly the green kamikaze and Dodger breezed past me and into the corner as I braked, staying fully in control this time. It wasn’t worth it, I couldn’t risk it.
Now on the home straight, I held my own, staying in third place as I crossed the finish line, seeing people videoing and applauding the cars as they stopped. When I came to a full stop, I closed my eyes and rested my head back on the headrest. Dodger had been right, I shouldn’t have raced tonight. My head was all over the place, and I’d almost lost control. If my reactions had been any slower, I would have rolled my car. At that sort of speed I probably wouldn’t have walked away from it.
A loud rap on my window made my eyes pop open. One of the twins stood there, his toothy grin splitting his face. I rolled down my window.
“Almost had you there,” I said, forcing a smile so he wouldn’t know anything was wrong.
He shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. “Almost. Until you pussied out going into the last turn.”
“Oh, whatever,” I replied, rolling my eyes with mock annoyance.
He grinned. “See you next time, buddy. Drive safe.” He held out his fist and I bumped mine against it.
“Yeah, next time,” I replied. But I wasn’t even sure there would be a next time; at least, not until Ellie was out of my life again and safely back in England with her Brit. As soon as I thought about it, I realized how much I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want her out of my life; I didn’t want her to marry someone else and have his British children; I didn’t want her to continue hating me, thinking I hadn’t loved her enough.
I didn’t want this life. Since I’d been released from prison, I’d just been fooling myself into thinking I was content with what I had, when in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. Maybe it was time I was honest, put myself out there, realized I was maybe worth taking a risk on. Maybe I still could be good enough for her. Maybe.
CHAPTER 14
ELLIE
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
The bedside alarm clock was loud and shrill and I instantly regretted setting it instead of the nice bird chirping or soft music I could have set on my cell phone alarm instead.
“Ugh, tell me it’s not morning and that thing is malfunctioning,” Toby grunted, throwing his arm over his face as I reached out to turn the alarm off.
“Nope, it’s morning,” I answered, rubbing at my tired eyes. A headache thumped at the back of my skull already. As if today won’t be hard enough. The headache was a by-product of another night of barely any sleep. I’d spent the wee hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling in the darkness going over everything that needed to be done today, things I needed to do or say, wondering how I was going to hold it together. Today we would lay my dad to rest, and I was supposed to be the strong one who was there for my family. How in the hell was I supposed to do that? I had no clue.
I turned to Toby, squinting down at him through blurry, puffy eyes from when I’d eventually cried myself to sleep silently so I wouldn’t wake him. He sent me a sad smile, his eyes still half-closed, and I lay back down, scooting closer to him and setting my head on his chest. His arms wrapped around me, surrounding me in his warmth as he placed a kiss on the top of my head. Wrapped in a little duvet-Toby cocoon, I felt safe and comfortable, and I didn’t just mean the sleeping position. Our whole relationship was like this: lazy and uncomplicated companionship.
“Okay, sweetheart?” he whispered.
I blew out a big breath and lifted my head, resting my chin on his chest so I could look at him. “Toby, how am I going to do this today? I don’t think I can,” I confided. My heart hurt, my whole body heavy with sadness.
His hands came up, cupping the side of my neck as his soft green eyes met mine. “You can do it. I’ll be right ’ere, and you’ll get through it. You’re stronger than you think.”
“Yeah,” I croaked, unsure if I believed it. Getting through today was going to be the hardest thing I’d done so far, and I’d barely managed to make it through some of the previous things.
How could I say good-bye? How could I stand there and listen to people talk about my dad and what a great man he was, how he had so much life left in him, and how on earth was I going to do it all without breaking down in front of everyone?
“Will you do me a favor today?” I asked.
“’Course.” He nodded sadly.
I smiled gratefully. “Watch out for my nana for me, okay? I’ll be fine, I’ll get through it, just stay close to her and make sure she’s all right. I know we’re all going through it, but she’s saying good-bye to her son today, and no mother should have to do that.”
Toby’s hand slid down my back, pulling me closer, hugging me tightly to his body. “’Course I will. I’ll watch out for all of you.”
“Thank you,” I muttered against his shoulder, clutching him closer to me, wishing I didn’t ever have to get out of this bed and I could just hide here, away from all my problems. Unfortunately, life didn’t work like that, so I pulled away, kissing his cheek softly before swinging my legs out of bed.
It was only seven a.m., but I had lots more preparations to do today before the funeral. To save on money, because I simply hadn’t realized how expensive these things were and was already struggling, Nana and I were catering the wake ourselves. We’d prepared a lot of the food last night, baking mini sausages, stuffing pastry shells with a variety of fillings, and cooking all manner of finger foods until well past midnight, but today we needed to make the sandwiches and deviled eggs, sort out the cold cuts selection, and chop vegetables. At least it will keep our minds occupied for a while, I thought, slipping on my robe and heading downstairs.
* * *
Hours later we were essentially done, and I was pretty ready to throw the hors d’oeuvres out the window. I didn’t want to see another teeny pizza or chicken nugget in my life. The table in the living room was all laid out like we were hosting some sort of party for little people or something. My nana kept saying how much my dad would have loved it and how partial he was to a bit of finger food. She was right; he’d always said there was something about miniature food that made it taste better.
While Toby and Kelsey tidied the house, Nana finished plating up the cold cuts and I gathered all the trash, tying the bag tightly. “You sure you don’t want to come to the hospital?” I asked, walking into the living room and raising my voice a little over the vacuum that Kelsey was pushing around.
“No. I’ll stay here and finish up,” she answered quickly, turning the
vacuum off. Kelsey didn’t visit Mom as much as I did. She wouldn’t talk about it, but I got the distinct impression that she didn’t like seeing our mother like that. I must admit, I didn’t, either.
“Okay. I’ll be back in a bit,” I told her before turning to Toby. “You’ll watch Nana for me while I’m gone?”
He smiled, walking to my side and bending to kiss my cheek. “Like an ’awk,” he replied.
“A what?” Kelsey questioned.
