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sleep because her heart rate was all over the place again. Once she was asleep again for the night, we all headed out and piled into my car to make the short drive home.
The visit had taken its toll on everyone. Flicking my eyes to the rearview mirror, I saw that Kelsey had her head resting against the window, her eyes vacantly staring at nothing as she twisted her hands in her lap. She hadn’t spoken a word since we left the hospital.
When I pulled into the driveway, I saw a car roll to a stop at the curb, killing the lights. Jamie. As I climbed out of the car, I looked over to see that he’d parked more obviously outside my house this time, just at the curb at the end of the yard rather than a few houses down as the other car had. Maybe it was because I knew he was watching now, so he didn’t need to hide.
Kelsey’s eyes flicked in that direction and a small frown lined her forehead. I held my breath, hoping she didn’t recognize my ex-boyfriend or ask questions. I really didn’t need any more drama tonight. If I was honest, all I wanted was a stiff drink. Thankfully Kels didn’t say anything; Jamie’s car only held her attention for a second or two before she headed to the front door with Nana.
I held my hand up in a quick wave—acknowledging he was here was the polite thing to do, after all—before heading into the house.
“I’m going to make us a late supper,” Nana said, immediately walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge. At the mention of food, my stomach growled and I suddenly remembered that I never did bring home those groceries Nana had asked for. They were probably still smeared across the store parking lot where I’d left them. Thankfully, in the excitement of everything, Nana hadn’t mentioned it. I glanced at my watch and saw it was just after eight p.m. Today had been an extremely long day.
Kelsey and I sat in the living room, both of us pretending to watch TV so we wouldn’t have to make conversation, while Nana banged around in the kitchen. When she came in fifteen minutes later with three plates loaded with cheese-and-tomato quesadillas, my mouth watered. Eating them was a different story, though; I couldn’t concentrate and ended up just pushing most of the food around my plate while I replayed things my mom had said tonight. Eventually, I gave up trying.
“I’m going to take a bath,” I announced, standing and carrying Nana and Kelsey’s mostly full plates to the kitchen. After scraping the contents into the garbage disposal, I slinked upstairs and headed into the bathroom. I turned on the water, tipped in some of the bath salts that were in a jar on the side of the tub, and then sat on the edge, staring into space as steam swirled around me and fogged up the mirror.
I stripped off my clothes and sank down in the hot water, closing my eyes as it lapped around my neck and chin, the flowery scent of the bath salts tickling my nose. I lay there for a long time, the water turning lukewarm as my mind was on my mother and what her future held, and how that tied in with my own. Conversations with Toby infiltrated my thoughts, the unspoken words that had hung between us at the airport, the understanding in his eyes when he’d kissed me good-bye.
I sighed and sat up, pushing my wet hair off my face, staring up at the ceiling. I needed to speak to him; this uncertainty was weighing on me, and I couldn’t take much more pressure without breaking. I wanted to stay here with my family, and he needed to stay with his family, which left us in an impossible situation that just caused more pain than it needed to.
After quickly shampooing my hair and washing my body, I climbed out of the bath, wrapped myself in a big fluffy towel, and padded to my bedroom. After a quick dry and dragging a comb through my unruly red hair, I picked out my most comfortable pajamas, the ones with the sleeping panda bears on them, and then snagged one of my old high school team hoodies from the closet. As soon as I pulled it over my head, I realized it didn’t fit, but I went with it anyway, wriggling to get into it and tugging it down over my body. It was slightly too small now, especially across my tummy and breasts. I remembered a time when I was in high school that it would have flattered my toned stomach and sat perfectly on my hips. I wrinkled my nose and pondered going on a diet so I could drop the fourteen or so pounds I’d put on in the last couple of years, but then I remembered I liked chocolate cake too much and dismissed the thought. I wasn’t overweight, I just wasn’t the perfect lithe cheerleader I used to be.
I smiled to myself and picked up my damaged phone, carefully scrolling through to find Toby’s number. It wasn’t until it started ringing that I remembered the time difference. Wincing as he answered in a croaky, sleep-filled tone, I looked at the clock. It was almost ten here, which meant it was nearly three in the morning there.
“I’m so sorry! I forgot about the time difference,” I said quickly, perching on the edge of my bed.
He cleared his throat and I heard bedcovers moving and rustling in the background. “S’okay, don’t worry.”
“Sorry, Toby,” I whispered.
“’Onestly, it’s fine, I love speaking to you so it’s all good,” he replied, his voice soft and sensual since he’d just awoken. “’Ow are ya?”
“My mom woke up.” I smiled.
“Bloody ’ell, that’s great news!”
“Yeah.” I nodded, and even I heard the sad tone to my voice, so I wasn’t really that surprised that he picked up on it, too.
“What’s wrong, then? You don’t sound like your usual cheerful self.”
I sighed and leaned forward, resting my head on my hand and my elbow on my knee. “It was just hard, that’s all. She didn’t know about my dad, so I had to tell her and stuff.” I chewed on the inside of my mouth, trying not to picture her crushed expression again.
“Damn, that’s rough,” he answered, his tone sympathetic. “You all right?”
I have to be. “I’m getting there.” We would all get there together.
“So if she’s awake that means she’ll be ’ome soon, right?” Toby asked.
I closed my eyes. This was the start of the conversation; this was my in to telling him I wasn’t coming back. Although I knew I had to say the words, I didn’t really want to. I’d just never expected it to end this way. In fact, I hadn’t expected it to end at all. If none of this had happened, I would have lived out the rest of my life with him, content to be a mother to his two boys when they came to stay on the weekends, running the pub with him, and crawling into bed with a good man every night. Fate had other ideas, though.
“They said she’ll be in the hospital for a few more days, and then when she’s out she’ll need extensive support to rehabilitate after the accident.” I cleared my throat and then took a deep breath. “Toby, we need to talk about something,” I started, struggling to find the words. “I...I...” Oh God, why is doing the right thing always so hard?
He sighed deeply, his breath making static down the line. “I know what you’re going to say.”
My breath caught. “You do?” My voice was barely above a whisper.
He sighed again. “Yeah. I saw it in your eyes. You don’t want to leave your family. You want to stay there and not come ’ome.”
I nodded. He had it right apart from one thing—I was home here. London had never really been my home, and neither had he. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself. “I’m so sorry,” I croaked. And I was. I never wanted to hurt him, but there was no way around this. We were from opposite sides of the world.
“It’s okay, Ellie. I understand, ’onestly I do. I’m gutted, don’t get me wrong, but I get it. I know ’ow much your family means to you, and after everything that’s ’appened, I can see why you’d need to make this decision.”
“I never wanted to hurt you,” I said solemnly.
“I know that, sweetheart. It’s just geography, it fucked us up. We never stood a chance, not really.” He was putting on a brave face, forcing cheer into his tone, but I could hear the underlying sadness there. He understood, but it still hurt him. “I love you. I wish things could be different, but you know, once geography speaks, everyone listens,” he joked.
“I love you, too.” The words were true, I meant them with all of my heart. In a way, he’d saved me; I’d been a different person when we first met, and he’d helped me back onto my feet and supported me while I found myself again. I owed him more than I could ever repay for that. I’d always thought that was enough to base a relationship on, but now I realized that wasn’t true. “I’m going to miss you so much.” I’d miss his jokes, his infectious laugh, his errant goodness, and the whole cheeky-chappie easygoing Londoner thing he had going on.
“We can stay in touch and stuff, talk and catch up. I don’t want to lose you altogether.” His words were heartfelt, and I could hear the sadness in his tone that he was trying to mask.
