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His smile was faint and tired, and it still warmed her.
“I guess we could have driven to my parents’ house to get my wheelchair,” he said, “but I didn’t want to put Kendall through that. Didn’t want to spend a couple extra hours in the car just so I could wheel around at crotch level while we got our soft pretzels. So I made the choice to walk through the mall all day and pay for it later.”
Nick turned and looked straight at her with a laser-beam focus that gave her butterflies in her stomach. What was she feeling now? Fear?
“I can bring doughnuts and sing and make everybody happy for a little while,” he said. “But I’m never going to really be a part of what happens in there, because none of you have to worry about walking through a goddamn mall.”
Hayley felt as if she were perched at the edge of a cliff, breathless, like Nick’s eyes were pools of clear blue water miles below her. She’d invited him to dance, and he’d accepted—he’d taken the first steps beyond safety, and now it was up to her to meet him where he stood. This was fear, absolutely; he was exposing a fervently protected part of himself that would be so easy to shatter. But there was a thrill here too, one that terrified her, a connection to an electric current between them. She wanted more.
Back away, Hayley Michelle. You’ll do more damage than you can fix.
She dove in.
“You’re right,” she said. “They’ve got different worries. There are people in there who worry about eating a cinnamon sugar pretzel. Girls and guys. They are watching everything they eat and every pound they gain. And instead of enjoying the party tonight, some of them are obsessing about a misstep they made onstage that we didn’t even notice. Not to mention all of the insanely talented people in there who wish they were you.”
Nick’s laugh was hollow. “Because I’m such an inspiration?” He slumped against the bench. “That’s why I work here, ya know. Any idiot can put tapes into a VCR, but I can walk into a room and make everyone feel better. Why? Because they’re all so damn glad they’re not me.”
Something clicked. “That’s why you were so pissed,” she said. “At the bar, when I asked you how you got the job. You think you’re a charity case.”
“Iknowit,” he said. “She said it right to my face.”
Hayley frowned. “She said it?”
“I mean, nobody says ‘charity case,’” he said. “But yeah, she said it, and I took the job anyway, and now I get to be exactly what everybody wants.” His voice rose as he gesticulated at the empty parking lot. “If you’re depressed, at least you’re not the cripple. Or maybe you can help the cripple and feel like a good person. I can be a plus one, I can do party tricks, I can be on call twenty-four hours a day. Just as long as I make somebody’s life easier.”
“Nick, shut the hell up.”
He turned, surprised. Hayley stared at him stonily.
“If you call yourself a cripple one more time, I will smack you in the face.”
Nick smiled weakly. “You wouldn’t dare.”
She was not amused. “I don’t know about Linda,” she said. “And you can shit on your friends in there if you want to. But don’t insult me like that again.”
Nick drew back a little. “I wasn’t …”
She moved with him, denying him the space. “I wanted you to join me tonight because Ilikeyou, Nick. Those people in there like you too, and you just reduced that entire room to a bunch of idiots so hard up for self-esteem that they invited some … I don’t know, some sort ofmascotto their opening night. And even if they did, what does that make me? Do you honestly think I use you as a party trick? You think I wanted you at my table so I could show everybody how fucking open-minded I am?”
She leaned closer.
“I’d be surprised if half the dancers in there are as sure of themselves as you are.” Her voice was soft and steady. “You have confidence, and you have talent, and you are the only person here who makes me feel more like myself. None of that has anything to do with your legs.” She sat back. “So don’t be an asshole.”
Nick stared at her for so long she wondered if she really would need to slap him to bring him back.
He finally said, “I am so sorry.”
“I know.”
“I never … that wasn’t …” He collected himself. “I didn’t realize what I was doing. I don’t hurt my friends. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“I know that,” she said gently. “That’s why I stopped you.”
He smiled. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
Hayley felt lighter, relaxed, maybe even a little giddy. They’d opened the door to anger and pain and danced right through it to the other side.
